Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I couldn’t have been happier that this burger was, “in the buff” because it made it so much easier for it to perform intercourse on my taste buds. This monstrously, sexy burger not only dwarfs the bun it was served on but previous burger experiences as well. As someone whose love of condiments might only be paled by that of the X-Mark himself, I was surprised to find this burger was delicious without extras. The body warming buffalo sauce infused burger was delightfully complimented by a blue and cream cheese explosion stuffed inside the burger. I want to sincerely thank the creators of Sexy Burger for this masterful meat concoction for the only downside to my intimate burger experience was how quickly it left me in the morning.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The other day, X Mark and The Spot had one such debate. They decided to take it to the blog to make their points. X Mark holds a special place in his heart for the Mafioso Special (the spaghetti and meatball burger) while the Spot may have found her one true love in the Peter Brady Burger (the porkchops and applesauce burger).
Things got a little strange as each tried to convince the other exactly how much they loved the burgers. Eventually they abandoned logical thought and just went batshit crazy with examples.
"I want to replace all of my childhood memories with this burger."
"I want to go to medical school and invent the surgery to turn myself into a hamburger, move to Vermont and gay marry this burger in front of my disapproving parents."
"I want to go back in time and kiss the pig on the mouth (we used ground pork) to let him know his death wasn't in vain."
"I want to plant the mafioso special in the ground and grow a burger tree so all the children can enjoy the sweet meaty fruits til the end of time, or until someone cuts it down"
"I want to hurl myself in front of a bus and enter into a 50 year coma so I will dream of nothing but this burger until you inevitably pull the plug."
"I want to cryogenically freeze this burger for 35 years so it can run for president on the platform of ending world hunger and vegetarianism."
"I want to form a constellation of this burger and wait til the sun burns out so the world will forever remain in darkness. Then I want to build a tiny hut on a mountain away from any light pollution where I will spend the rest of my life gazing at the great burger in the sky."
"I want to spend my final days alone in a dimly lit room drifting in and out of insanity as I pen my final masterpiece entitled Requiem for a Mafiosa Special."
After about an hour or so of pointless arguing, X Mark and the Spot realized there was no way they could convince the other their burger was better. Plus they were out of examples. And booze. They eventually agreed to disagree then drunkenly passed out on the kitchen floor only to wake up and forget the whole thing. Thank god for the internet to keep track of these things.
What's the point of all this you may ask? Everyone of us in the Sexy Burger 6 has our favorite burger. Mr. Lickle Tickle loved the Devil's Threesome burger while The Spot almost threw up after eating it. If each of us loved every single burger how much fun would that be?
What is your favorite burger?
This past weekend, Mr. Lickle Tickle and I turned 26. Closer to 30 than 20. Adults. Men. Fiscal responsibility. Old. Balls.
But we went out Friday night. Black River Sound show. Partied our sagging asses off. We pounded beers. Ripped shots. Danced to the hip hop music those kids seem to like so much nowadays. We had a great time.
And boy did we pay for it. Neither of us got out of bed until 4 PM the next day. It felt like I had pre-Subway Jared sitting on my head and 13 drunk children throwing an all night rave in my stomach. It was one of those hangovers that makes you want to quit drinking altogether. At 26, I felt like my time as a legitimate party animal was finished.
At burgers that night (In the Buff Burger stay tuned...) we were trying to come up with a name for the previous week's baked potato style burger, when from God's brain to the Revolutionary Man's lips, a burger name and an epiphany were uttered all at once:
Spuds Mackenzie: The original party animal.
Capturing potatoes with his first name, and the true essence of Sexy Burger with his attitude, Spuds Mackenzie (who is really a girl dog named Honey Tree Evil Eye, which is equally awesome) was the perfect fit for this burger.
He was also the perfect fit for my Phoenix like rise out of the partied out old man ashes. Not only was he a schill for my favorite beer brand, but he was a beacon of hope for all of us old party animals out there. No matter how tough times can be, we all must take a cue from Spuds: ignore the aches and pains of old age, always look your best, and let the good times roll.
So we salute you, Spuds Mackenzie: This burger's for you.
- Bison patty: This is going to be used a lot more, especially when the option is between this badass animal and it's more docile cousin, the cow. There is a lot more flavor with this meat, it's just as cheap as beef, and, as I'm sure Spuds could attest to, has a lot more cache.
- Potato bread buns: Just like the bison meat, this is going to be featured a lot more often on Sexy Burgers that call for standard buns. These golden burger tops and bottoms are a favorite of the Sexy Burger Six and have pretty much kicked standard sesame seed buns back to the dirty curbs they came from. Also made with potatoes, so it fits the Spuds burger just right.
- Potato skins: Homemade is the only way to go here. I baked potatoes with salt and olive oil on the skin for about an hour. Then I cut the potatoes in half and scooped out most of the insides, but left a decent coating of potato. Then I returned to the oven for 10 minutes on each side to crisp the shit out of them. Then I topped with cheese and bacon bits and broiled just for a couple minutes to melt the cheese. Then we added sour cream and chives to complete the baked potato effect and threw those bad boys right on top of the burgers. Now for the bombshell: the Revolutionary Man discarded the potato bread buns and used 2 POTATO SKINS AS HIS BUNS!!! What a visionary. What a genius. What a party animal. I know how I'll be serving this burger in the future.
See you next burger, you party animals.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sexy Burger back again
check it to eat it
Sexy Burger people let me hear some noise
Burgers in the house jump jump rejoice
There's a burger over here
a burger over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake your deriere
These three words mean you're gettin' Sexy
Whoomp there it is
Now that we are all warmed up....
The following is a photo montage of the Always Sunny burger. Words are not needed:
For the South of the Border (remix) burger, we all assembled our burgers differently:
Prof. Purple wrapped her's snugly wrapped in a tortilla.
I went with a different, but similar approach. Keep the bun and wrap in a tortilla. It is not recommended but still totally delicious.
Or you can do it classic style, like the rest of the Sexy Burger crew.
Mmm mmm! Looking Sexy!
Now up, the Baked Potato Burger:
Yup, that equation works.
Math is fun :)
It's delicious and a helleva lotta fun being Sexy!
Today, in a scene (ok it was an e-mail exchange) straight out of Jake Gyllenhaal's new movie, just hours away from their 26th birthday, two brothers nearly came to blows. Over onions.
I hate onions. They along with mushrooms are my absolute least favorite foods, and are the only foods I will never voluntarily eat. They taste terrible to me. Their texture is awful in my opinion. And they make people have horrible breath. Worst of all, I just don't get it. What do you people see in these horrible vegetables?
Who was the first asshole to come across an onion, pick it up, peel the paper like skin off the outside, smell it, shed tears, and think: "wow, I should really eat this!" What the hell had to be wrong with that man for him to be the pioneer of the onion? If you were an alien from another planet, and had no idea what an onion was and nobody suggested that you should eat it and that it was delicious, how could you possibly say you would eat this?
People may say that I am not adventurous and that I am wicked picky, and mostly those are both true. But I am working on trying more things, I did eat cucumbers and olive spread on the Uncle Jesse, both of which I don't like, and at the Spot's 23rd birthday dinner, which was lovely, I tried cow tongue. And as far as being wicked picky, of my least two favorite foods (onions and mushrooms) one makes people cry, a bodily function usually signaling pain or sadness, and the other is a fungus, something that can also be found on dirty feet and spoiled food.
The onion to me is the Britney Spears of the food world. Pre-crazy and chubby Britney was considered gods gift to men by probably 99% of the world. And yet I never saw it. She did nothing for me at all. Sure she had a great body, but her face was aquatic in nature and she seemed like a huge douche. My point being, it seemed almost like group think to find her attractive. Everybody else thought that way so you should feel that way too. That's what I think is going on here with the onion. I cannot wait til the day the onion shaves its head and flashes its vagina to the paparazzi so people will finally see what I see.
I fear I am going to have fewer followers on this than Jerry Maguire. Maybe these are the rantings of a mad man. But onions are my enemy and I will not let them taint my life any longer.
Now who's coming with me?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So without hesitation, I present some pictures from two of our last five burgers: the Uncle Jesse and the Egg's Washington.
I'll be honest, I hated this burger. But the ingredients sure are awesome looking. It's when they are all combined that I get sick to my stomach.
X Mark looking sexy with two giant balls of meat.
We had about 16 of our dearest friends join us for this burger. Just look at this production line! It makes you wonder how awesome our kitchen is going to be once we open our first restaurant!
Holy Greasy Uncle Jesse Hair is this thing loaded with flavor (most of which make me gag)!
Below are some shots of our friends who joined us that night:
Thanks to everyone who came out!!
On to the Egg's Washington, one of my favorites:
Mmmmm home fries and hollandaise sauce!
Here I am, poaching the shit out of them eggs! I'll be honest, for my first time, it was very easy.....and fun!
Just two brothers preparing a delicious morning burger for their friends.
Yo! Sauce me fool!
Mr. Lickle Tickle, X Mark and Prof. Purple making food that makes people smile. Oh how cute, we are all smiling too!
One bite out of this hamburger feels like you've died and gone to heaven!
Stay tuned for another picture loaded post of our last three burgers: the Always Sunny, the South of the Border remix and the Baked Potato Burger.
Monday, January 18, 2010
From Wikipedia (shut up, I know this is a cliched opening): Anticipation... is an emotion involving pleasure in considering some expected or longed-for good event.
Pleasure and longing for and good. All great words and emotions. But how to elicit such feelings in your customers? Well, maybe we can turn to the masters of anticipation, the mavens of hope, the practitioners of enthusiasm:
The marketing geniuses behind the South of the Border billboards.
Anyone who has driven I-95 through South and North Carolina knows of these little monotony breakers. At first glance (which occurs about 150 miles north and south of the border) the billboards are curious and amusing (albeit a little racist). As you continue your trek, the billboards continue almost every mile, and the curiosity becomes genuine wonderment. Then you start noticing the mileage countdown in the bottom right-hand corner: 58, 47, 43, 36. The excitement builds. What is South of the Border? Who is this inappropriate caricature spewing these catchphrases and why am I so drawn to him? I MUST KNOW WHAT THIS PLACE IS!!!
No one does it better. Not the writers of Lost. Not Santa Clause and his holiday. Not even strippers. None of these anticipation pushers uses 150 miles of otherwise barren highway to tickle the hope bone of road weary travelers stuck in the middle of the banality of the family vacation.
So in honor of Pedro, anticipation, and the ad wizards behind these billboards, we created a burger that we hope when our customers see the ingredients exploding off the page of our menu they will be transported to their Dodge Stratus on I-95, 5 miles from the border. Pleasure. Longing for. Good.
South of the Border Burger.
- Taco seasoned beef patty: Hay dios mio! So flavorful. So juicy. So spicy. The aim of this burger was to take the mexican classic and turn it into a burger. So what better way to start than by taking the typical taco filler and mold it into a patty? A spicy, deliciously sexy patty. Just get some store bought taco seasoning and mix it in with the ground beef with a little bit of water pre-cooking.
- Burger buns/tortilla wrap/tortilla chips: My idea for this burger was to just use regular burger buns and serve the burger on-top of a bed of cheese covered tortilla chips, so when you took a bite of the overloaded burger, the excess condiments would drop to the chips creating nachos. Prof. Purple and Mr. Lickle Tickle went another direction and wrapped the burger in a tortilla creating a burrito style package. Los dos fueren magnifico.
- Sour cream/salsa/guac/hot sauce: The classic taco toppings. The sour cream, salsa, and guac combine to form a sweet, savory, and creamy Three Amigos like tag team, while the hot sauce plays the role of El Guapo, fiery and handsome. Los juntos, fueren increible.
- Shredded Mexican style cheese: If you wait to add the cheese to the burger until after it is removed from the grill, you get a less melted cheese that provides a lot more flavor. Even with the gargantuan combination of toppings listed above, a good shredded, slightly melted cheese can shine through and salsa dance all over your taste buds.
Hasta la proxima hamburguesa.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
"It's Seinfeld on crack"
This was the tagline from the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
Always Sunny follows 4 extremely self-centered ("Dennis you're not gay, you're just really, really vain") Philadelphian bar owners through their mostly pointless lives. In season 1 the "gang" tackles some serious hot button issues including:
- racism ("Now when you say sister, do you mean your actual sister, or like your sistah")
- abortion ("'This is the list of all the doctors I'm going to kill', 'There's two names crossed off', 'I know'"),
- child molesting ("Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while."),
- underage drinking ("Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!"),
- cancer ("Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!"),
- the second amendment ("Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!"), and
- the elderly ("I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business").
As you can see, this show clearly needs a burger. So, in the spirit of FX's marketing campaign we bring you the Philly Cheesesteak on crack:
The Always Sunny Burger.
- Toasted hoagie: The longest and most fallic bun we've used, just seeing this bread elicits thoughts of a classic Philly Cheesesteak.
- Bison patty: We tried to use human meat but we don't have a guy for that. The bison was used as a change of pace from the typical beef. It was juicy and flavorful, but a little difficult to work with. We tried to stretch the patty to fit the bun, but the little shits would not cooperate. So we just made regular patties and cut them in half. This is a work in progress. I want my meat fallic like my buns.
- Peppers, onions, mushrooms: Sauteed to perfection by Professor Purple, these toppings are optional but encouraged. Personally I don't like to ruin this little piece of heart attack heaven with veggies, but hey that's me.
- Waffle fries: Fries on a burger is one of my favorite things to do in this world, up there with watching baseball, drinking beer, and beating up hoboes. I am known to abuse my condiments so for those who do the same, putting fries on your burger soaks up all the extra condiments and keeps your beard free of spillage.
- Sexy Secret Sauce: Prof. Purple whipped up this spicy delight on a whim. What was supposed to be an easy spicy ketchup morphed into what I'm sure will be Sexy Burger's most requested condiment. I keep a bottle of it under my pillow when I sleep just to know I'm safe at night.
- Whiz: WTF X Mark? Whiz? If you have never had Whiz then you have never had a real Philly Cheesesteak. Cheez Whiz (not the spray can shit, don't worry) is the OG Philly topping. This is the stuff that really seeks out your right and left ventricles and tries to grind them to a screeching halt. That's how you know it's good.
"I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!"
See you next Burger.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Sexy Burger Field Trip Part 2: A Green Cookie Monster, A Nacho Cheese Disappointment, and X-Marketing
In 3 parts, here is what I took from the non-Avatar portion of our trip to Jordan's in Reading.
A Green Cookie Monster
Walk in the front door of the Reading IMax and what do you see? A giant Wally the Green Monster with a mechanical arm eating a Yankees player (unfortunately this player is just a mannequin). If anyone has read Sexy Boston Sports (anyone? anyone?), you would think that I would love this display of cartoon dominance.
You would be wrong. You see, in another display of my Boston Sports Loyalty, I was present for the debut of Wally the Green Monster on Kid's Opening day in 1997 (this was back when the Red Sox marketing geniuses kept trying to push "Friendly Fenway" on us as Sully vomited on the back of a 83 year old woman and Murph punched a 7 year old in the face for mispelling "Yastrzemski").
Oh man. What a huge mistake. Yes, 13 years later and Wally still exists. But good lord was he hated in his debut.
From his Wikipedia page: " Wally debuted in 1997 to the chagrin of many older Red Sox fans...He also threw the ceremonial first pitch and was lustily booed by many fans."
I was there. Lustily may be an understatement. I was only 13 at the time, but even I knew he sucked. This Sesame Street reject was a massive departure from everything the Sox stood for. He sucked so bad and despite Jerry Remy's best efforts he still sucks.
Coincidentally enough this was the first game X Dad introduced me to the Yankees Suck chant. I think we were playing the Orioles. Good times.
A Nacho Cheese Disappointment
Nacho Cheese and Cheese Sauce are totally different. They are like apples and bow staffs.
Nacho Cheese (besides being the kind of cheese that isn't yours) is flavored in a jalapeno manner. A little spicy. A lot delicious. My favorite condiment. And I know condiments like Hammacher Schlammer knows combination clock/massagers.
So when my buddy Feeney told me I had to go to Fudruckers (knowing full well my love for this majestic condiment) because they had a condiment bar with Nacho Cheese that you serve yourself, I damn near left a smoke cloud behind me like the Roadrunner to get there.
What a waste of a smoke cloud.
Fudruckers has no Nacho Cheese. NO NACHO CHEESE. They have cheese sauce. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
Needless to say I have never been back to Fudruckers out of protest, Feeney and I are no longer friends, and every night I brush my teeth with Nacho Cheese to recover from this disappointment (only one of those things is true).
Barry and Elliot (or now just Barry...or Elliot, who knows I can't tell, the fatter one) are marketing geniuses.
I won't bore you too much with this business stuff, but boy do my nipples get hard about some good solid marketing.
For those out of town readers (yes we have them, Sexy Burger is exploding) Barry and Elliot are twins who founded Jordan's Furniture stores. A furniture store first and foremost, is now home to IMax Theaters, Fudruckers (covered above, F them), candy stores, flying trapeze acts, roast beef restaurants, etc. They also had one of the best promotions ever, which on its surface looks like a failure, but actually was a monster success.
In 2007, Jordan's ran a Red Sox related promotion (baseball and good marketing, Hammer don't hurt em!): if the Red Sox won the World Series, Jordan's would refund everybody's money who bought furniture in April.
Of course my friends did win the World Series that year, sweeping the Rockies, and Jordan's refunded everybody's money who bought furniture in April. Ouch, right?
Wrong. Jordan's first purchased a shiiiiiiiiit load of insurance meaning their losses were minimal. It also was a huge media story and further added value to their sponsorship of the Red Sox.
So what do you think Barry or Eliott (whoever the fat one is) did in 2008? That's right, they did it again (although at the insurance company's insistence tweaked the deal to the Red Sox sweeping the World Series). Sadly for us in the Nation, the Sox did not win it in 08, taking the Rays to 7 games in the ALCS and watching my friend Can't Stand Ya's Phillies win it instead.
But happily for Jordan's, they sold 5 piece bedroom sets and end tables like gangbusters. $20 billion in sales in April alone (figures are estimated).
These two promotions on top of the 3 ring circuses at Jordan's in Reading and Natick earns X Mark's X-Marketing Genius award for the 2000's. Well done Barry. Or Eliott.
Stay tuned for Part 3 of the Sexy Burger Field trip...