Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Always Sunny Burger

















"It's Seinfeld on crack"

This was the tagline from the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Always Sunny follows 4 extremely self-centered ("Dennis you're not gay, you're just really, really vain") Philadelphian bar owners through their mostly pointless lives. In season 1 the "gang" tackles some serious hot button issues including:
  • racism ("Now when you say sister, do you mean your actual sister, or like your sistah")
  • abortion ("'This is the list of all the doctors I'm going to kill', 'There's two names crossed off', 'I know'"),
  • child molesting ("Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while."),
  • underage drinking ("Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!"),
  • cancer ("Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!"),
  • the second amendment ("Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!"), and
  • the elderly ("I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business").
If all this wasn't enough, in season 2 the show adds 3'7'' whirly dirvish Danny Devito as Dennis and Dee's father to provide the gang with life lessons and words of wisdom ("You never hunt a man").

As you can see, this show clearly needs a burger. So, in the spirit of FX's marketing campaign we bring you the Philly Cheesesteak on crack:

The Always Sunny Burger.

Components:
  • Toasted hoagie: The longest and most fallic bun we've used, just seeing this bread elicits thoughts of a classic Philly Cheesesteak.
  • Bison patty: We tried to use human meat but we don't have a guy for that. The bison was used as a change of pace from the typical beef. It was juicy and flavorful, but a little difficult to work with. We tried to stretch the patty to fit the bun, but the little shits would not cooperate. So we just made regular patties and cut them in half. This is a work in progress. I want my meat fallic like my buns.
  • Peppers, onions, mushrooms: Sauteed to perfection by Professor Purple, these toppings are optional but encouraged. Personally I don't like to ruin this little piece of heart attack heaven with veggies, but hey that's me.
  • Waffle fries: Fries on a burger is one of my favorite things to do in this world, up there with watching baseball, drinking beer, and beating up hoboes. I am known to abuse my condiments so for those who do the same, putting fries on your burger soaks up all the extra condiments and keeps your beard free of spillage.
  • Sexy Secret Sauce: Prof. Purple whipped up this spicy delight on a whim. What was supposed to be an easy spicy ketchup morphed into what I'm sure will be Sexy Burger's most requested condiment. I keep a bottle of it under my pillow when I sleep just to know I'm safe at night.
  • Whiz: WTF X Mark? Whiz? If you have never had Whiz then you have never had a real Philly Cheesesteak. Cheez Whiz (not the spray can shit, don't worry) is the OG Philly topping. This is the stuff that really seeks out your right and left ventricles and tries to grind them to a screeching halt. That's how you know it's good.
I'm relapsing into a food coma just thinking about this burger again. And I'm running out of steam. So I'm going to leave you all with this nugget from breakout Always Sunny star Charlie Kelly:

"I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!"

See you next Burger.

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