Thursday, January 21, 2010

Onions: The Bane of My Existence














Today, in a scene (ok it was an e-mail exchange) straight out of Jake Gyllenhaal's new movie, just hours away from their 26th birthday, two brothers nearly came to blows. Over onions.

I hate onions. They along with mushrooms are my absolute least favorite foods, and are the only foods I will never voluntarily eat. They taste terrible to me. Their texture is awful in my opinion. And they make people have horrible breath. Worst of all, I just don't get it. What do you people see in these horrible vegetables?

Who was the first asshole to come across an onion, pick it up, peel the paper like skin off the outside, smell it, shed tears, and think: "wow, I should really eat this!" What the hell had to be wrong with that man for him to be the pioneer of the onion? If you were an alien from another planet, and had no idea what an onion was and nobody suggested that you should eat it and that it was delicious, how could you possibly say you would eat this?

People may say that I am not adventurous and that I am wicked picky, and mostly those are both true. But I am working on trying more things, I did eat cucumbers and olive spread on the Uncle Jesse, both of which I don't like, and at the Spot's 23rd birthday dinner, which was lovely, I tried cow tongue. And as far as being wicked picky, of my least two favorite foods (onions and mushrooms) one makes people cry, a bodily function usually signaling pain or sadness, and the other is a fungus, something that can also be found on dirty feet and spoiled food.

The onion to me is the Britney Spears of the food world. Pre-crazy and chubby Britney was considered gods gift to men by probably 99% of the world. And yet I never saw it. She did nothing for me at all. Sure she had a great body, but her face was aquatic in nature and she seemed like a huge douche. My point being, it seemed almost like group think to find her attractive. Everybody else thought that way so you should feel that way too. That's what I think is going on here with the onion. I cannot wait til the day the onion shaves its head and flashes its vagina to the paparazzi so people will finally see what I see.

I fear I am going to have fewer followers on this than Jerry Maguire. Maybe these are the rantings of a mad man. But onions are my enemy and I will not let them taint my life any longer.

Now who's coming with me?

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