Sunday, January 3, 2010

Sexy Burger Field Trip Part 2: A Green Cookie Monster, A Nacho Cheese Disappointment, and X-Marketing

A little delayed, but this is Part 2 of the Revolutionary Man's Recliner I Hardly Knew Her post.

In 3 parts, here is what I took from the non-Avatar portion of our trip to Jordan's in Reading.

A Green Cookie Monster
Walk in the front door of the Reading IMax and what do you see? A giant Wally the Green Monster with a mechanical arm eating a Yankees player (unfortunately this player is just a mannequin). If anyone has read Sexy Boston Sports (anyone? anyone?), you would think that I would love this display of cartoon dominance.

You would be wrong. You see, in another display of my Boston Sports Loyalty, I was present for the debut of Wally the Green Monster on Kid's Opening day in 1997 (this was back when the Red Sox marketing geniuses kept trying to push "Friendly Fenway" on us as Sully vomited on the back of a 83 year old woman and Murph punched a 7 year old in the face for mispelling "Yastrzemski").

Oh man. What a huge mistake. Yes, 13 years later and Wally still exists. But good lord was he hated in his debut.

From his Wikipedia page: " Wally debuted in 1997 to the chagrin of many older Red Sox fans...He also threw the ceremonial first pitch and was lustily booed by many fans."

I was there. Lustily may be an understatement. I was only 13 at the time, but even I knew he sucked. This Sesame Street reject was a massive departure from everything the Sox stood for. He sucked so bad and despite Jerry Remy's best efforts he still sucks.

Coincidentally enough this was the first game X Dad introduced me to the Yankees Suck chant. I think we were playing the Orioles. Good times.

A Nacho Cheese Disappointment
Nacho Cheese and Cheese Sauce are totally different. They are like apples and bow staffs.

Nacho Cheese (besides being the kind of cheese that isn't yours) is flavored in a jalapeno manner. A little spicy. A lot delicious. My favorite condiment. And I know condiments like Hammacher Schlammer knows combination clock/massagers.

So when my buddy Feeney told me I had to go to Fudruckers (knowing full well my love for this majestic condiment) because they had a condiment bar with Nacho Cheese that you serve yourself, I damn near left a smoke cloud behind me like the Roadrunner to get there.

What a waste of a smoke cloud.

Fudruckers has no Nacho Cheese. NO NACHO CHEESE. They have cheese sauce. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I have never been back to Fudruckers out of protest, Feeney and I are no longer friends, and every night I brush my teeth with Nacho Cheese to recover from this disappointment (only one of those things is true).

X-Marketing
Barry and Elliot (or now just Barry...or Elliot, who knows I can't tell, the fatter one) are marketing geniuses.

I won't bore you too much with this business stuff, but boy do my nipples get hard about some good solid marketing.

For those out of town readers (yes we have them, Sexy Burger is exploding) Barry and Elliot are twins who founded Jordan's Furniture stores. A furniture store first and foremost, is now home to IMax Theaters, Fudruckers (covered above, F them), candy stores, flying trapeze acts, roast beef restaurants, etc. They also had one of the best promotions ever, which on its surface looks like a failure, but actually was a monster success.

In 2007, Jordan's ran a Red Sox related promotion (baseball and good marketing, Hammer don't hurt em!): if the Red Sox won the World Series, Jordan's would refund everybody's money who bought furniture in April.

Of course my friends did win the World Series that year, sweeping the Rockies, and Jordan's refunded everybody's money who bought furniture in April. Ouch, right?

Wrong. Jordan's first purchased a shiiiiiiiiit load of insurance meaning their losses were minimal. It also was a huge media story and further added value to their sponsorship of the Red Sox.

So what do you think Barry or Eliott (whoever the fat one is) did in 2008? That's right, they did it again (although at the insurance company's insistence tweaked the deal to the Red Sox sweeping the World Series). Sadly for us in the Nation, the Sox did not win it in 08, taking the Rays to 7 games in the ALCS and watching my friend Can't Stand Ya's Phillies win it instead.

But happily for Jordan's, they sold 5 piece bedroom sets and end tables like gangbusters. $20 billion in sales in April alone (figures are estimated).

These two promotions on top of the 3 ring circuses at Jordan's in Reading and Natick earns X Mark's X-Marketing Genius award for the 2000's. Well done Barry. Or Eliott.

Stay tuned for Part 3 of the Sexy Burger Field trip...

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