Sunday, February 28, 2010

The D3 Part 2

"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!"

"Tonight we spell redemption: R-O-N."

I had to look to the Farrelly Brothers and Will Farrell to properly express my feelings on this one.

Redemption is a funny thing. It starts with disappointment, and for a lot of people this is not something that is easy to handle. Sometimes you almost have to hit rock bottom. About 2 and a half months ago, the Sexy Burger Six found that cold, jagged bottom. Hungover, tired, and lazy, we half-assed our way through a breakfast burger loaded with potential and were smacked in this face with a hard dose of reality: you can't be in the burger game unless you are going to give it your all each and every time out.

Well, I am happy to inform you my Burger Minions, tonight was different. The SBS experienced the back end of sweet sweet redemption. You see for every valley there is a peak and we peaked all over the place tonight. We totally redeemed ourselves.

With the Revolutionary Man and the Kid tasting inferior food in Disney World for the weekend, the remaining four of us set out on a reclamation project this evening. Without the aid of a giant bus and d-bag host, the crew put together our own Extreme Home Makeover: Sexy Burger edition. Fresh sausage. Home made french toast. Aunt Jemima waffles. Fried eggs. Muenster cheese. Syrup. Powdered sugar. At the risk of using too many redemption metaphors I have to say that this was the Breakfast Phoenix rising from the frozen food ashes.

  • Sausage patties: This was the key to the previous failure. We used frozen sausage patties. They were tiny shit discs. This time we bought a roll of uncooked Jimmy Dean sausage. Sliced those sumbitches up myself and threw them on the grill. Made my apartment smell like a sweet greasy diner. They were juicy, tasty, and cooked to perfection. Don't ever use frozen meat. Please. For me.
  • Aunt Jemima waffles: With the Eggo shortage in full effect still, we turned to everyone's favorite Aunt (wife of Uncle Jemima). I know what you are thinking: if you are railing against the use of frozen ingredients in your burgers then why would you use frozen waffles? Well my answer is simply that they are delicious and they work perfectly with this burger. I used 2 for my outer buns. The Spot used one as her middle bun. I guess opposites really do attract.
  • Home made french toast: Another one of our previous f ups. Mr. Barneby Jones took the rains on this with the aid of his mother's recipe. We used Pepperidge Farm Cinnamon Swirl bread, dipped it in a combination of milk, eggs, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg, and tossed it in a fry pan. Some used these as the buns, some as the center piece. This was my favorite part of the burger. Cinnamony bliss.
  • Syrup: Every good burger needs an even better condiment. This is the king of all breakfast condiments and it ruled over this burger like noone since King Henry the 8th (I don't really know my monarchies. Was Henry the 8th any good?)
Now, for $2.00 extra, turn your Devil's Threesome into a Breakfast Orgy! Add a fried egg, bacon, cheese, and powder sugar and turn this intimate gathering into a wild, memorable party. I went the conservative route, probably because of my upbringing. But the Spot, Professor Purple, and Mr. Barneby Jones went the extra mile and all came out of the experience with massive, satisfied smiles on their faces.

Things looked grim after the original D3. And while we have had other major successes since then, this one hung over our head like a dark cloud. So when first bite happened tonight we were understandably elated. Redemption was upon us.

Now if only I could say the same for my beloved Celtics.

Anyway, see you next burger!

Meat Heroes

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

$200 for burgers!?!? No sir

This week the world (or probably about 50 richies) ascend on Miami for the Amstel Light Burger Bash hosted by Rachael Ray.  General admission is $200!  There are 28 burger stations and some pretty sweet looking restaurants participating, but $200?  I will make this vow to you Burger Minions: You will never find a $200 burger at Sexy Burger.  Unless Rachael Ray is the actual burger.

Friday, February 19, 2010

A Non-Burger Quickie

Holy shit Stevie Ray is good.  And holy shit did he die too young.

I'm wondering whether it's a good idea for The Spot to get into this industry.  All the greats die young.  And she is one of the greats.  I don't know if I want to be widowed in my early 30's.  Although I do look great in black.

One last parting thought: Is it inappropriate for a mid-20's white guy with supportive parents, a great girlfriend, a burgeoning career as a writer and burger maven and a full time job to love the blues so much?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

A Burger Quickie

Since Sexy Burger is not an official restaurant yet, our Burger Minions may have to look elsewhere for delicious meats. Here is a Sexy Burger approved article from the Boston Herald two weeks ago on 8 burger recommendations in Boston. Enjoy.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Cheesus Christ Burger

(Image courtesy of the Spot)

Religion is a touchy subject. Wars are waged over it. Marriages are forbode and arranged in the name of it. Laws are forged on the premise of it.

Personally, I look elsewhere for my answers. I believe in myself and my burgers. And the Spot. And the Red Sox.

Normally the Sexy Burger Six avoids such testy fare. We tend to steer towards beer drinking dogs, Grecian heart throbs, and inappropriate trysts...

But tonight. Tonight was unavoidable. Tonight our own Professor Purple experienced divine intervention.

A little background on the good Professor: Professor Purple loves cheese the way most of us love oxygen. It speaks to her. She slips into a hot bath of it with a fine Chardonnay to get away from it all. She takes long Sunday drives with it throughout the New England country side with it because cheese is the only one who truly understands her. The woman is a cheese fanatic.

So when the crew decided to do a double grilled cheese burger (originally entitled the Cheeeeeeese Burger), naturally, the Professor's interest was piqued. In the final minutes leading up to the consumption of this gluttonous creation her anticipation was, fittingly, that of a 5 year old on the eve of Christ's birthday. Finally, when her two grilled cheeses were removed from the pan and the burger snatched from the grill, it was time for first bite. Time for Prof. Purple to meet her maker.

"Cheesus Christ Almighty!!!"

A burger messiah was born.

  • Burger patty: Jesus was a simple man. To wit: In the closing scenes of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indy and the hot Nazi girl are forced to find the Holy Grail, Jesus' pimp chalice. Like the stupid demon she is, Nazi girl chooses the shiniest and most be-jeweled cup on the cobwebbed shelf. Equally evil, egomaniac Nazi guy snatches the cup from her and he drinks. Boom. Death by Jesus. Indy's turn. Our fedora'd hero peruses the merchandise, until settling on the dirtiest, most unassuming piece. The cup looked more worthy to be your roommate's dip cup than to be the receptacle where Jesus stored his final drink. Indy sipped. Eternal life. He gave it to James Bond. Eternal life. The cup was simple and did what it was supposed to do. It was good enough for Jesus. This is why we used plain old ground beef, the Holy Grail of ground meat.
  • Grilled cheese buns: That's right. Grilled cheese buns. This is Jesus' turning water into wine moment. We took a really good grilled cheese sandwich (water) and through our heavenly touch, doubled it and turned it into the best buns ever (wine). Jesus may be a little peeved at our decadence with these grilled cheeses (we used tomatoes and 4 different types of cheese on each sandwich for 8 total slices), but at the end of the day I don't think he could argue with our methods.
  • Baked brie: If double 4 cheese grilled cheeses weren't crazy enough, we used baked brie as the lone burger condiment, and in the process essentially walked on water.
I hope this article did not offend anyone, but honestly when you delve into this subject matter you walk a thin line. I can truly say that this burger was a total tribute to J.C. and you cannot fault Professor Purple for her religious experience. The Lord acts in mysterious ways and I don't think any of us anticipated him to speak to us through a burger, especially a relatively simple one such as this. But this is what separates most of us from Indiana Jones and Jesus. A lot of us get lost chasing flash and bling, but sometimes when hunger strikes, the best cure is a twist on a simple, old standby.


See you next burger

Monday, February 15, 2010

A Math Equation

CCA = [(b( c + c ) + b( c + c )] + B 
+ [(b( c + c ) + b( c + c )]

Where as,

CCA = Cheesus Christ Almighty
b = bread
c = cheese
B = burger


Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Sexy Burger Takes Manhattan

Once Upon A Time, the Sexy Burger crew packed up their condom(ent)s and underoos and drove out to New York City! As a group that leans towards meats rather than fruits, the Big Apple sounded like a very scary place. The journey however, was a necessary one because The Spot had a gig booked with her band, the modern day Partridge Family known as Black River Sound. Fortunately, The Sexy Burger Six has a regular Burger Mob (BM) that follows The Burger Movement (The BM), and we sought out the hospitality of two hipsters in Brooklyn willing to take us in. Of course we didn't call them hipsters to their face because that is the most offensive term you can call a hipster! We would just say things like, "your aviator cap with rainbow flaps is so unique" or "it's so nice to see that 80's fashion is still alive and well!". Their names were P. Mombi and Leibovitz, and they welcomed us with cupcakes, local brews, and faerie tales. We found bovine inspiration in another blogger's quest to find the greatest burger in the Empire State, only to be derailed by brisk weather and overzealous day drinking, a favorite past time of the Sexy Burger Six.

Thanks to the advice of our hostesses we found "Paul's Da Burger Joint" close to the venue where The Spot's show was going to be. We chose this restaurant not only because of its location and references but because of the variety of toppings on the menu. I, The Revolutionary Man, was fully prepared to play 7 minutes in Heaven with the sexiest burger on the menu, but I am sad to say that I had performance anxiety. You see, the most outrageous item on the menu turned out to be the "Beef Burger Tar Tar". This consisted of raw beef covered with a raw egg. My belly full of whiskey demanded that something solid go into it, in other words, no tar tar or I would go blah blah. I don't know if such a burger would even be legal anywhere other than the city of loose morals, but I assure you, faithful Burger Mob, that I will never let you down like this again! After Leibovitz told me that NYC meat standards were different from everywhere else (not hard to believe considering their milk has a different expiration date from the rest of the state) and the waitress flat out told me "If you gotta ask you don't want it", I eventually conformed to splitting two burgers with XMark. These were the El Paso (jalapenos and cheddar) and the Chili Burger (take a guess). Each burger hit the spot in it's own unique way, and carried the diner vibe with which the restaurant was resonating.

We left Paul's that night with very happy stomachs full of the means to prevent full on blackouts for at least another hour. Black River Sound rocked our buns off and left the crowd screaming for more, especially XMark. [For those of you who are new to the blog, XMark is The Spot's #1 fan and man]

Eventually your Burger Maniacs stumbled home in the city that never sleeps. They said their final goodbyes to the remnants of Paul's so there would be room for the Super Bowl Medley the next day. They tucked their princesses into air mattresses that immediately began to deflate, and fell asleep to the soothing, yet simultaneously scary, images of Faerie Tale Theatre.

And They Lived Happily Ever After.

Things Will Never Be the Same

Music Videos - 2pac - Changes @ Yahoo! Video

(It was a three horse race for the "Change" song to top this post: Tupac, Bowie, and Sam Cooke.  With all due respect to the old guys I decided to go slightly more current, although it's pretty funny how dated this song has become: "Although it seems evident, we ain't ready to see a black president".  Plus, I met Tupac a dozen times when I was at Maryland.)

For those of you who are reading Sexy Burger for the first time, a warm and juicy welcome.  Prepare to have your lives forever altered.

For those of my faithful Burger Minions who are frequent visitors to this space, you will notice several changes 'round these here parts.  In case you are too daft to notice, I will lay them out for you right here:
  1. Colors:  The sidebars are gray (the color of spoiled meat).  The text is black (the color of vegetarian's hearts).  The background is white (the color of mayo, my 3rd favorite condiment).  The borders and title bars are blue (the color of sadness, the opposite of what you feel when you eat one of our burgers).   So maybe they aren't very exciting colors, but this is a work in process so for now at least it is easy on the eyes (although now I'm sure I've ruined the gray sidebars for everyone).
  2. Links under the Logo: Don't be alarmed.  These aren't advertisements (well they are, but it's all shameless self promotion).  Go ahead.  Click on them.  You can trust X-Mark.  One sends you to a page that tells you what we are all about and closes with a fantastic video from award winning Producer the Spot.  The other is a link to our Facebook fan page, which launched last night (2/9/10) and as of this writing (4:00 PM on 2/10) has 131 fans!!!
  3. New Poll: To the right of our posts you will see a whole bunch of stuff.  The top thing is a poll, which at the moment asks for your opinion on where we should locate our potential restaurant.  We hope to change these polls once every two weeks and we actually really value the results.  It is our way of doing some initial market research.  So please vote often (and when you vote for this poll, please vote for Some Place else, the bottom option.  X-Mark hates New England and doesn't want to spend another GD winter here.  Help me out!).
  4. Previously on Sexy Burger...: What once was just a static, yet holy, list of the burgers we have made, is now a dynamic list of links to the original, official posts of each very special, verrrrrrry Sexy Burger.  In the future, when you click on the links and go to the original posts you will also be able to find links to pictures and any associated post about that burger.  Hopefully this will make it easier for our Burger Minions to find a burger they want to try, read about the experience, and make it from the Components section.
  5. Sexy Burger Blogroll: This is a list of all the blogs us bloggers like to read.  They will contain other burger blogs (the Burger Movement is a community effort, you need the masses when you are starting a revolution), but also blogs about other things that we care about (sports, rollerblading, comics, art, music, funny stuff) because we know you care what we are into.  You live for it.  You thrive off of it.  It's also a great way to get more traffic to our website, because at the end of the day, it's all about spreading our Burger Gospel to as many willing listeners as possible.
Well that's about it for now.  This is an ever evolving website, so next week it could look totally different, but there was some pretty exciting updates I was just itching to share with you all.

If you have any suggestions or comments or know any cool new features that Blogger offers, please please please share with us in the comments below, on our brand new Facebook fan page, or you can email us at

And before I go, I want to give big ups to the other 5 of the Sexy Burger Six for their recent efforts: to Mr. Barneby Jones (formerly Mr. Lickle Tickle) for learning HTML code and being a great IT guy; to the Sexy Spot for all her picture and video work, which I think is really gonna set us apart from other websites; to Professor Purple for being a great Sous Chef, even though it is starting to get a little unfair to not just call her my Co-Chef with all she's been doing lately; to the Kid for putting together a great initial draft of our Company Description and Business Plan, I can't wait to share that with the Minions; and finally to the Revolutionary Man for being our Social Network expert and getting Facebook up and running, because as much as I sometimes hate Facebook, I think this is our shot to really grow the Sexiest following on the internet.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The Super Bowl Medley

Look at that face.  What an arsehole.  For some reason the X-Sister thinks this arsehole is cute.  I'm not into dudes or anything but I just don't get it.

But regardless of who thinks who is cute, this man is once again a loser.  Which means that America's team (and thank god that moniker doesn't go to the Cowboys for now) was victorious last night, 34-17.

Since this is a crossover post, I did not follow football much this year, and I was elbow deep in ground beef for much of the first half, I will spare you all of hardcore football analysis, especially since Phil Sims did such a good job explaining things during the game (oh, wait, that's the opposite of what he did; the Spot's 4 year old nephew would have brought just as much to the table as Sims did yesterday) and instead share a few basic insights:
  1. Thank heaven for Peyton Manning.  Since last June, Kobe Bryant and Alex Rodriguez have shed their selfish loser images and gotten over the hump.  It's true that Peyton accomplished this three years ago when the Colts beat the Bears, but I think it's safe to say now that that season was the exception rather than the rule.  To have my three sports arch nemesises win the championship all in the same year would have made me feel like Peyton looks. 
  2. Sean Payton has some serious brass ones.  Alec Baldwin would be proud.  The onside kick was sexy.  Very sexy indeed.
  3. Why would any company ever buy a Super Bowl commercial?  Even huge companies like Budweiser (this is the only time you will ever hear me hint at a negative thing with the King).  So expensive.  Best case scenario people will laugh at the commercial and remember it for a couple weeks, but usually not remember the brand.  Worst case scenario it leaves no imprint and nobody talks about you at all.  $3 Million down the tube.  There's gotta be a better way to spend your money.  Like maybe free beer for everyone!!!
  4. The commercials themselves this year were nothing special I thought.  Too much naked dude.  Don't get me wrong, showing skin is one of my go to jokes, a trademark even.  But it's kind of ridiculous when probably 5 different commercials are all using the exact same joke.  The Betty White commercial was my favorite.  That broad must have some agent.  Star of a show about 4 retired old women over 20 years ago and she is still relevant.  Bravo Betty.
Onto the food, this is a Burger Blog right?

Well the Super Bowl is one of our country's unofficial holidays like Arbor Day and Flag Day.  If Obama was really the sports president he would do the right thing and give us Monday off, but that's another post for another blog.  But like all good holidays, the Super Bowl is a great day for food.  Wings.  Chips.  Dip.  Beer.  Sausages.  Burgers.

Mostly it's about a big spread of wicked healthy, clean food, appetizer style.  So the Sexy Burger Six decided it was best to stick to this format for Sexy Burger Sunday.  We created the Super Bowl Medley (at least it will be called that until the NFL shuts us down for copyright infringement, those basterds).  A collection of six delicious and adorable sliders with a Super Bowl Sunday app theme.

  • French Onion Dip and Potato Chips:  Even though the French are the most Un-American things in the world and I hate onions, this was a really good burger topping.  Condiment man approved.
  • Creamy Spinach Dip and Potato Chips:  If Popeye were alive today (in 2005 his forearms burst from too much spinach and he bled out) he would be alllllll about this burger.  That is if Whimpy didn't get to them first.
  • Salsa, Guac, Cheese, Tortilla Chips:  A mini South of the Border.  What more can I say?
  • Chili, Cheese, Tortilla Chips:  This was my favorite.  I love chili.  If only it loved me more I would eat it every day.  And if Matt Travis is reading this, GET YOUR DAD OUR INFO!!! I WANT TO DO THE OFFICIAL CHILI BURGER WITH THE OFFICIAL MASSACHUSETTS KING OF CHILI!!!  Hormel is pretty good though if you would rather spend 2 minutes on your chili instead of 2 hours.
  • BBQ: Honey Chipotle BBQ sauce slathered all over our tiny friends.  Spicy and sweet just like Jennifer Lopez, Charo, and Enrique Iglesias.
  • Buffalo and blue cheese dressing:  The master of the Super Bowl appetizers.  We were lazy enough to wait until the day of to go shopping only to find our favorite Stop and Shop all out of our favorite buffalo sauce.  That's when we were saved by an old friend, my good buddy Texas Pete.  If you've ever had Pete you know what I am talking about.
All in all a pretty damn good Super Bowl.  As good as can be without the Pats and the Golden Boy playing.  Inspiring story.  Betty White.  Peyton "Manning Face" Manning showing his stripes. Tiny, beefy, slices of pure burger heaven.

See you next burger!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

In the Buff Burger

Ah the human body...

Some would say it's God's masterpiece. Sleek and utilitarian all at once. Not a one is unique. All from the same species and yet each body is wildly different (as you may be able to tell with the examples above). Even the same body can cause different feelings in different people.

So I pose the question, what is Sexy?

To some people (men), Sexy is having a great body. It's having curves in all the right places. Firmness is a major plus. Each person has different opinions about the finer points of Sexy, but these people all have a general jumping off point.

To others (women), Sexy is confidence. It is being comfortable in your own skin. Sexy is a great personality and a sense of humor. Of course a sweet set of pecs and a square jaw don't hurt.

Well we here at Sexy Burger feel we know a thing or two about Sexy. In our opinion, we are all Sexy (except for the entire cast of Jersey Shore). We are miracle creations. We each have something unique to offer to somebody. For every Roseanne there is a Tom Arnold. There is hope for all of us to be Sexy to someone.

So for all you Sexy m'fers out there, we offer a burger that pays tribute to the Sexiest presentation of the human form:

In the Buff Burger.


  • Ground chicken patty: If you can't tell from the name, this is our take on buffalo chicken wings. So obviously we had to give ground chicken a try. This was the first time we ever used it and it was interesting. It must be cooked thoroughly, we don't wanna get no sasparilla or nothin (Trailer Park Boys, watch it!). With all the fixins it worked very well and I'm itchin to use it again.
  • Potato bread buns: Our love affair continues. I goofed a little and made the patties huge (ok I did it on purpose) so they dwarfed the buns but it was delicious either way.
  • Buffalo sauce: Frank's Red Hot is my friend. He has a great slogan (I put that shit on everything). And he makes a great buffalo sauce. This is not just hot sauce Burger Minions. It is thicker and creamier and way more flavorful. We loaded up the ground chicken with this gem (and used breadcrumbs to make sure the meat stayed together) and it still did not get too spicy...which sucked. So while I cooked the patties I added more sauce...which was awesome.
  • Blue cheese and cream cheese: We Jucy Lucy'd the shit outta these burgers. Mixing blue cheese and cream cheese, we put a big spoonful between two patties and sealed them up. Upon first bite we all were awarded with a flavorful shot of blue and cream in the mouth, coupled by an amusing flatulence sound. Fun for the tongue AND ears.
  • Blue cheese dressing: Some thought this was overboard. Not I. I love blue cheese. I love salad dressing (especially when there is no salad underneath). I love condiments, as you all well know. So this was just the cherry on top of a spicy sundae.

I know it's hard to feel Sexy all the time. I'm carrying a little extra holiday weight still (my holiday season runs from Halloween to Patriot's Day so I've still got time to add more pudge). But I know whenever I am feeling down about my incredible Sexiness, I can always turn towards the hottest trend sweeping the nation, Sexy Burger.

Because, as a great friend of mine, the Kid, once said, "If you are what you eat, then I am Sexy!"

Truer words were never uttered.

So whenever your love handles are getting you down, or your female mustache keeps getting in your food, or your back hair is protruding from your white t-shirt, have a Sexy Burger and recapture the Sexiness.

See you next burger!

Here is The ToddSmith's take, and the very first guest post at Sexy Burger

Behold, New Ketchup Packets!

I can envision these new ketchup packets that Heinz designed pairing nicely with some of our SexyBurger to-go meals.

"The new design has a base that's more like a cup for dipping and also a tear-off end for squeezing, plus it holds three times as much ketchup than a traditional packet."

Give it a read!

After 40 years, Heinze revamps ketchup packets