Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Cheesus Christ Burger

(Image courtesy of the Spot)

Religion is a touchy subject. Wars are waged over it. Marriages are forbode and arranged in the name of it. Laws are forged on the premise of it.

Personally, I look elsewhere for my answers. I believe in myself and my burgers. And the Spot. And the Red Sox.

Normally the Sexy Burger Six avoids such testy fare. We tend to steer towards beer drinking dogs, Grecian heart throbs, and inappropriate trysts...

But tonight. Tonight was unavoidable. Tonight our own Professor Purple experienced divine intervention.

A little background on the good Professor: Professor Purple loves cheese the way most of us love oxygen. It speaks to her. She slips into a hot bath of it with a fine Chardonnay to get away from it all. She takes long Sunday drives with it throughout the New England country side with it because cheese is the only one who truly understands her. The woman is a cheese fanatic.

So when the crew decided to do a double grilled cheese burger (originally entitled the Cheeeeeeese Burger), naturally, the Professor's interest was piqued. In the final minutes leading up to the consumption of this gluttonous creation her anticipation was, fittingly, that of a 5 year old on the eve of Christ's birthday. Finally, when her two grilled cheeses were removed from the pan and the burger snatched from the grill, it was time for first bite. Time for Prof. Purple to meet her maker.

"Cheesus Christ Almighty!!!"

A burger messiah was born.

  • Burger patty: Jesus was a simple man. To wit: In the closing scenes of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indy and the hot Nazi girl are forced to find the Holy Grail, Jesus' pimp chalice. Like the stupid demon she is, Nazi girl chooses the shiniest and most be-jeweled cup on the cobwebbed shelf. Equally evil, egomaniac Nazi guy snatches the cup from her and he drinks. Boom. Death by Jesus. Indy's turn. Our fedora'd hero peruses the merchandise, until settling on the dirtiest, most unassuming piece. The cup looked more worthy to be your roommate's dip cup than to be the receptacle where Jesus stored his final drink. Indy sipped. Eternal life. He gave it to James Bond. Eternal life. The cup was simple and did what it was supposed to do. It was good enough for Jesus. This is why we used plain old ground beef, the Holy Grail of ground meat.
  • Grilled cheese buns: That's right. Grilled cheese buns. This is Jesus' turning water into wine moment. We took a really good grilled cheese sandwich (water) and through our heavenly touch, doubled it and turned it into the best buns ever (wine). Jesus may be a little peeved at our decadence with these grilled cheeses (we used tomatoes and 4 different types of cheese on each sandwich for 8 total slices), but at the end of the day I don't think he could argue with our methods.
  • Baked brie: If double 4 cheese grilled cheeses weren't crazy enough, we used baked brie as the lone burger condiment, and in the process essentially walked on water.
I hope this article did not offend anyone, but honestly when you delve into this subject matter you walk a thin line. I can truly say that this burger was a total tribute to J.C. and you cannot fault Professor Purple for her religious experience. The Lord acts in mysterious ways and I don't think any of us anticipated him to speak to us through a burger, especially a relatively simple one such as this. But this is what separates most of us from Indiana Jones and Jesus. A lot of us get lost chasing flash and bling, but sometimes when hunger strikes, the best cure is a twist on a simple, old standby.


See you next burger

1 comment:

  1. hilarious and glutenous all at the same time, keep them coming you freaks of nature!!