Thursday, February 4, 2010

In the Buff Burger

Ah the human body...

Some would say it's God's masterpiece. Sleek and utilitarian all at once. Not a one is unique. All from the same species and yet each body is wildly different (as you may be able to tell with the examples above). Even the same body can cause different feelings in different people.

So I pose the question, what is Sexy?

To some people (men), Sexy is having a great body. It's having curves in all the right places. Firmness is a major plus. Each person has different opinions about the finer points of Sexy, but these people all have a general jumping off point.

To others (women), Sexy is confidence. It is being comfortable in your own skin. Sexy is a great personality and a sense of humor. Of course a sweet set of pecs and a square jaw don't hurt.

Well we here at Sexy Burger feel we know a thing or two about Sexy. In our opinion, we are all Sexy (except for the entire cast of Jersey Shore). We are miracle creations. We each have something unique to offer to somebody. For every Roseanne there is a Tom Arnold. There is hope for all of us to be Sexy to someone.

So for all you Sexy m'fers out there, we offer a burger that pays tribute to the Sexiest presentation of the human form:

In the Buff Burger.


  • Ground chicken patty: If you can't tell from the name, this is our take on buffalo chicken wings. So obviously we had to give ground chicken a try. This was the first time we ever used it and it was interesting. It must be cooked thoroughly, we don't wanna get no sasparilla or nothin (Trailer Park Boys, watch it!). With all the fixins it worked very well and I'm itchin to use it again.
  • Potato bread buns: Our love affair continues. I goofed a little and made the patties huge (ok I did it on purpose) so they dwarfed the buns but it was delicious either way.
  • Buffalo sauce: Frank's Red Hot is my friend. He has a great slogan (I put that shit on everything). And he makes a great buffalo sauce. This is not just hot sauce Burger Minions. It is thicker and creamier and way more flavorful. We loaded up the ground chicken with this gem (and used breadcrumbs to make sure the meat stayed together) and it still did not get too spicy...which sucked. So while I cooked the patties I added more sauce...which was awesome.
  • Blue cheese and cream cheese: We Jucy Lucy'd the shit outta these burgers. Mixing blue cheese and cream cheese, we put a big spoonful between two patties and sealed them up. Upon first bite we all were awarded with a flavorful shot of blue and cream in the mouth, coupled by an amusing flatulence sound. Fun for the tongue AND ears.
  • Blue cheese dressing: Some thought this was overboard. Not I. I love blue cheese. I love salad dressing (especially when there is no salad underneath). I love condiments, as you all well know. So this was just the cherry on top of a spicy sundae.

I know it's hard to feel Sexy all the time. I'm carrying a little extra holiday weight still (my holiday season runs from Halloween to Patriot's Day so I've still got time to add more pudge). But I know whenever I am feeling down about my incredible Sexiness, I can always turn towards the hottest trend sweeping the nation, Sexy Burger.

Because, as a great friend of mine, the Kid, once said, "If you are what you eat, then I am Sexy!"

Truer words were never uttered.

So whenever your love handles are getting you down, or your female mustache keeps getting in your food, or your back hair is protruding from your white t-shirt, have a Sexy Burger and recapture the Sexiness.

See you next burger!

Here is The ToddSmith's take, and the very first guest post at Sexy Burger


  1. why isn't that picture of tom brady photoshopped to have mark's face on it? spot?

    great write up dude!

  2. A great back and forth from Seinfeld on the naked human body:

    Jerry: "Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--"
    Elaine: "Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for a
    George: "Why not? It's a good look for a woman."
    Elaine: "Well, the female body is a... work of art. The male body is
    utilitarian, it's for gettin' around, like a jeep."
    Jerry: "So you don't think it's attractive?"
    Elaine: "It's hideous. The hair, the... the lumpiness. It's simian."
    George: "Well, some women like it."
    Elaine: "Hmm. Sickies."