Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Dante's Inferno (Part 1 of 2)

As I sank into my plush blue leather couch, fresh off our spiciest burger to date, a huge grin appeared on my face. That was a wicked tasty burger and all my guests loved it. Boy was I proud. I was the king of the castle, the cock of the walk, the finest man alive. Then upon my magnificent television appeared a man many of us consider the voice of reason and even the voice of God: Morgan Freeman. I was snapped from my moment of self-appreciation and taken back to one of my favorite movies, starring the Wise Mr. Freeman and the Hunky Mr. Pitt.

The movie was Se7en. For those who have not seen it, the movie is about two detectives (Freeman and Pitt) who are trying to apprehend a serial killer who, like most serial killers, is jaded by today's human race. To show his displeasure with mankind, the killer attacks people who perfectly exemplify one of the seven deadly sins (listed in the picture above).

So as I was thinking of this terrifically thrilling movie, I got to thinking that the seven deadly sins are a little bit outdated. And, not only are they outdated, but they are actively practiced by me every time I craft and eat a Sexy Burger! The following is my sinful trip through each of our incredible morsels of heaven (or should I now say hell?).

Lust: Since women do not allow us to treat them like a piece of meat, I now treat pieces of meat like women. At the start of every Sunday, I lust after the night's Sexy Burger like a nerd from a classic 80's comedy lusts after the hot chick.

Greed: As grillman and head chef I control which burger goes to each lucky customer. And while every chef wants his customers to have a great meal, I allllllways make sure I get the best. The medium rarest. The finest slice of cheese. The freshest buns. I want it. I want it ALLLLLLLLL!!!! I fear the power has gone to my head. And I like it.

Gluttony: Despite our best efforts, Sexy Burgers will never be confused with a side salad. We are children of America, where if you are not obese you are probably poor and cannot afford to be (like me). So as soon as my precious (Cheesus Christ did I just make a Lord of the Rings joke? The Spot is clearly rubbing off on me) comes off the grill, I glutton the shit out of it, from first bite to final bite.

Envy: I have a huge mouth. For some context: I wear size 14 shoes and have hands to match. I am able to fit my entire massive fist in my equally massive mouth. It's a fun party trick. Unfortunately, having this gaping hole at the bottom of my face forces me to eat much quicker than everyone else. Even though I usually serve myself last, I always finish first, and thus am constantly envious of my surrounding compatriots for still having Sexy Burger on their plates.

Anger: When we are all done and left staring at a plate of oozed condiments, a wave of wrath washes over my gluttoned body. Our Sexy Burgers have become so amazing that I sometimes hate my normal sized stomach and tiny income for restricting my consumption. Luckily for me (and unluckily for porcelain) I get to take that wrath out on the toilet. Sorry buddy, that's the way it's gotta be.

Pride: As I mentioned earlier, after I calm down and properly assess my feelings, the pride kicks in. I am a very modest man, but...well what my friends and I are doing is nothing short of a miracle. We are taking ourselves and our lucky Burger Minions to a place rarely visited by mere mortals. One taste of our Sexy Burgers and you will surely want to name your first born X-Mark. Or if you are really lucky, X-Mark Jr (ouch, I just got pistol whipped by the Spot).

Sloth: The best feeling of all. With a drink in my hand, a belly full of burger, the beautiful Spot to my left, and something fantastic on the tube, I can enter blissful slothiness with the best of them. If pure relaxation is bad, then I do not want to be good. And how can such an adorable animal be a messenger of Evil?

Well this post has gotten quite out of hand and I haven't even mentioned the incredible creation of this past weekend or the even better company bestowed upon us. So I am going to take a brief respite and continue this post tomorrow where I will explain one of our best burgers yet, Dante's Inferno.

See ya next post!


  1. I just envisioned you sitting on the toilet and screaming to Cheesus at the top of your lungs. Of course I've heard this before, but now I can truly see it!

  2. tears of laughter streaming down my face right now!! cant wait for pt. 2!