Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"I swear this has never happened to me before"

A phrase that men know all too well. The older we get the more prevalent it becomes. The more we try, the harder it gets. Or doesn't. Time and time again, we just cannot seem to control our meat.

This Sunday it struck a little too close to home. "I swear this has never happened to me before."

With business discussions on the agenda and a potential slew of guests (although it turned out Sister Sister and Jill "I need a nickname please help" Nanof had to bail on us; not a good way to leave a second impression guys), the Sexy Burger Six decided to repeat an old favorite, the Peter Brady Burger. A delicious marinated pork burger, topped with X-Mom's famous applesauce, apple smoked cheddar, served on our favorite potato buns. What could go wrong?

"I swear this has never happened to me before."

Let's look at some possible causes before we get to the actual disaster:
  • I was really tired: I did not get a whole lot of sleep the night before. It was the first really nice weekend of the year in New England (Halter Top weekend according to the Sports Guy), which I would usually love. Unfortunately the one downside to this is a bunch of uppity birds talking about how much they enjoy the weather at 6 in the morning. F U you winged rats.
  • I had a lot on my mind: The Terps had just lost a devastating March Madness game. After a furious comeback in the closing minutes, my alma matter lost on a heartbreaking 3 with no time on the clock. My mind was definitely elsewhere.
  • I was very nervous: On this night we had first time attendee and my former boss, CEO of Boyce Property Maintenance, Adam "Big Bossman" Boyce attending. I spent years trying to earn his respect as his employee, but tonight was my first opportunity to show him how talented I have become. It was a lot of pressure.
  • My meat was over-marinated: Sometimes it all comes down to imbibing a little too much liquid. The sweet nectar can be a little too delicious and a little too tempting and you just cannot control yourself. Due to my lack of discipline, I let my meat drown in the marinade. As we say in Sexy Burger world, I had whiskey meat.
Whatever the root, the result was failure. The over-marinated meat was much too heavy and was impossible to form into a firm patty. I should have known when I couldn't even get the meat to it's warm resting place that this just wasn't my night. As the patties just laid there lifeless on the grill my heart dropped. I had heard about this before. The time in a man's life when things just do not go his way. When the stars do not align and the cocks do not come home to roost. The night when a man's meat does not cooperate.

"I swear this has never happened to me before."

When I tried to flip the burgers they completely fell apart, limp as a dying flower. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! What's happening to me?!? How could this be? I have been riding such a powerfully thrusting wave of success for so long and now this. Embarrassment. Shame. Tears. Sadness. Would I ever recover? Would I ever reclaim my thrown as the meat master?

And in that moment as I stared at my wilted extension of self I was forced to make a decision: Would I let this one, tiny, rare, little incident affect the rest of my burger making life, or would I collect my manhood, flex my biggest muscle (my brain; get your minds out of the gutter), and prepare for the strongest comeback this world has seen since a former school girl declared "It's Britney, Bitch!"

Stay tuned 'til next week and you will discover what I chose.

See ya next burger.


  1. Nice ! stiff upper lip mate you'll be right !:)

  2. Premature eflipalation, a guy's worst nightmare, a girl's biggest turn off.