Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Luck O' The Irish Burger

St. Patty's Day: The day when gingers are our equals (sorta...not really...ok not equals, but at least allowed out of their rooms)

St. Patty's Day: The day when heroes are born.

St. Patty's Day: The day when everyone is Irish (meaning we get blind drunk on stout beer; march in cold rainy weather; wear shamrocks and green, the traditional Irish garb; and pass out at 5 PM)

St. Patty's Day: The day when we eat delicious Irish food (salty dry meat and boiled flavorless vegetables that make you fart. But seriously, not to go all Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with Irish food?  Before I got drunk on St. Patty's day, when I was 21 of course, I used to dread this holiday because X-Mom was making corned beef and boiled vegetables.  X-Mom is an incredible cook.  Having her cook this meal would be like the Spot singing Happy Birthday to a 1 year old.  Just a waste of incredible talent.)

St. Patty's Day: The day of ultimate camaraderie (including drunken brawls because some bitch took the last green plastic hat that you had your heart set on and throwing parties at chain restaurants where you charge your friends $10 to get in the door to fund your Men's softball team instead of putting the money towards charity, or even better, beer)

Whatever your reason to celebrate this magical holiday, the central theme seems to be fun for all.  For children there is a loveable mascot.  For American college kids it is a chance to prove your worth to your friends.  For American 20 somethings it is a chance to recapture the glory days (my old routine was a 6 pack of Smithwicks, a 6 pack of Mickey's grenades, and 6 Irish Car Bombs; this year I'll be lucky to do 3 Smithwicks, 1 Car bomb, and a long nap).  For adults with Irish blood, a chance to sample their native food and thank Cheesus that their ancestors came to Ellis Island and discovered spices and refrigerators.  For the Irish, they get to snicker at our weak attempts to drink as well as they do.  And for the aforementioned gingers, an opportunity to be among the drunken masses and be only mildly ridiculed and feared.

For Sexy Burger, St. Patty's Day is an opportunity to put a spin on a "classic" meal (and get blind drunk).  When we approach a meal, we do not look at it for its obvious flaws (really Ireland? Boiled, unseasoned vegetables?  It's 2010.  The British have been to China and India.  The western world now have spices at our disposal), rather we look for its tremendous opportunities.  The good fortune to grind a meat that has never been ground before (literally never, we had to search far and wide to find a butcher who would grind corned beef for us; on the bright side, now we have a "guy").  The chance to use soft, spreadable vegetables that can be blank flavor slates.  The ability to use a hearty, flavorful beer as marinade.  And the luck to use our favorite buns once again.

The Luck O' The Irish.

  • Ground CORNED beef:  As I mentioned above, we now have a "corned beef guy."  He does other stuff too, but our boy Mike at O'Driscolls really came through for this burger.  Every other butcher scoffed at our request, fearful that the salt and nitrates would ruin their precious little grinders.  Not Mike.  He said "F U science, I will not be stopped!"
  • Guinness: No Irish meal is complete without Guinness, but usually its just the drink in a complete nutritious meal.  We decided to put it in the meat because we're cool like that.  It cut the salt a bit, but otherwise the flavor did not come through too much.  But it warmed our little green hearts just knowing it was with us.
  • Boiled potatoes:  Spreadable and mostly flavorless, this is what the Irish survived off of for 2,000 years before a lack of them nearly killed off the entire Irish population, leaving us with the roachian gingers we have today.  What a strange group of people.
  • Boiled carrots: Since I discovered recently that I am allergic to raw apples and carrots, I haven't been able to eat carrots in a while, which is a shame because there are so few vegetables I can actually stomach.  So this was a nice return to one of my favorite vegetables.  The carrots remained sweet and cut the saltiness of the ground corned beef.
  • Boiled cabbage:  Whoever the lyrical genius was that created the song "Beans, beans the musical fruit..." clearly never ate boiled cabbage.  Woah nelly have I been farting up a storm since I had this burger.  It tasted kinda gross and was pretty waxy, but the gas made it allllll worth it.
  • Potato bread buns: Ahhhh.  Our favorite.  Again, an homage to the Irish staple (a potato famine?  Really?  I just don't get it!  America has been in the middle of an Eggo famine for the last 5 months and we are doin alright).
With some provolone cheese and assorted condiments, this was yet another pleasant surprise.  We just keep kicking serious ass on these burgers.  I challenge you all to show us a burger we cannot dominate.  And I have to admit, in true Irish spirit, I was pretty drunk from the start to the finish of this burger.

So as this fantastic drunk holiday ascends upon us, I ask you to raise your green beer, put your arm around a ginger, keep the puke bucket close by, do a little jig, and scream at the top of your lungs:


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