Tuesday, April 27, 2010

We Suck And We Owe You

A huge huge huge apology to all our Burger Minions out there.  We f'ed up big time.  It has been far too long since our last substantial post, and unfortunately this still is not one of those.

I assure you this has not been time wasted though.  For those of you attending Halfway to Halloween in 2 weeks (holy shit I can't believe it's almost upon us) you will definitely see what I mean.  For those of you not attending, well I guess this is just a tiny consolation.

GIANT F'N BURGERS!!! (Hat tip to Curty Bram Bram on the link)

No.  These are not exactly Sexy Burgers.  Our burgers aim to harden your members as they harden your arteries.  These monstrosities skip the foreplay and head straight for the left ventricle.

But the mounds of bacon, doughnut buns, fried egg toppings, and overall size of these bad boys make each and every one of them Sexy Burger approved.

I know this doesn't make up for our lack of posts lately, but stay tuned for a little field trip write-up this week, a brand new burger at last, and yet another Black River Sound show staring the Sexy Spot this Saturday at Harpers Ferry (Alliteration bitches!).

Hopefully all our Halfway to Halloween attendees are working their fingers to the bone getting their awesome costumes ready!

See ya next burger!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Chickens Came Home to Roost

"You guys want to dine and ditch?" - Joe

"Absolutely not. There is no way we could get our fat asses outta here fast enough" - Kati

Mullets. Chicken farts. 4 fully stocked bars. Cocks (roosters you pervert). Bomb ass gift store. Bread, salad, french fries, shells with red sauce and chicken. Obese people. Super obese people. Morbidly obese people. This is Wright's Chicken Farm.

But Wright's Chicken Farm wasn't always the medieval-style dining hall slop-fest that has solidified its place in Rhode Island folklore.

The story started many years ago....

Wright's Chicken Farm was founded by C. Horndish Wright in 1901. It started as a quaint farm consisting of chickens, cows and assorted crops that provided food for the local area. The farm's supply of chickens skyrocketed by the 1950s due to outrageous Rhode Island reproductive methods and chicken trees that grew - yes - chickens. There were so many chickens that they used chop chicken guts to power most of the vehicles and houses in town. The government even got involved and instituted a top-secret program called "Operation Chicken Cock" that bred humans with chickens to create "chickman" offspring in order to help eradicate the Communists during the Northern Siberian War.

As C. Horndish Wright neared death and could no longer deal with the millions of chickens that inhabited his farm, a businessman named Mr. Roger Williams (no connection to the University or Zoo) made an offer to buy the land. Wright agreed, but under one condition: Williams must name the farm in his honor.

With the deal freshly inked, Williams set forth. Using the culinary skills that he picked up during his tenure at Johnson and Wales Culinary School and his masters of business at nearby Bryant University, Williams bought 10 great danes to help herd the tens of thousands of chickens into this giant chicken silo:

From there, it was easy as cluck for this man. After downing an assortment of these guys, Williams realized he could make a chicken anus-load of money if he simply paired these deliciously roasted chickens with bread, salad, french fries and pasta with red sauce. It was a winning combination that firmly sealed Roger Williams' - and Wright's Chicken Farm - place in the Rhode Island Book of History.

Now that you are educated on some good ole fashion RI history, here is a recap of our glutenous evening:

Most of us opted to eat a light breakfast and drink water all day to expand our stomachs. When your meal is $11 a head, you want to make sure you get your money's worth and we planned on really sticking it Wright's.

The Revolutionary Man and the Kid picked up Prof. Purple and myself just around 5. Like we usually do on car trips, we gleefully sang the entire trip to help pass the time and take our minds away from our growling stomachs. 25 musically-charged minutes later we had arrived!

Wright's is only opened Thursday - Sunday, a genius business move on Williams' part because the place is always packed (a tribute to Cartmen's Cartmenland?). We took our number and warmed our stomachs up with some mixed drinks from the bar. Our wait was supposed to be 45 minutes but 20 minutes later our number was called and we were moved into one of many main dining halls.

The anticipation had us shaking, but within minutes our waitress brought rolls and salad and took our order of beers. Shortly after, the main course arrived: fries, pasta with red sauce and CHICKEN! We straight pigged out!

The rest was really a blur. Bite after bite we fell deeper into our respective trances and didn't come out until we all felt something like this:

Our trip to Wright's was incredible, though it definitely lacked a key piece of the Sexy Six (X Mark and the Spot were busy tearing NYC a new a-hole and hooking up Mr. Jeffrey Tambor of Arrested Development fame with our Sexy Business Cards). Despite having two members short of a Sex pack, we left our mark at Wright's, chicken-waddling our way out the door.

Friday, April 9, 2010

How Five Guys Did It

"Sell a really good, juicy burger on a fresh bun. Make perfect French fries. Don't cut corners. That's been the business plan since Jerry Murrell and his sons opened their first burger joint in 1986. When they began selling franchises in 2002, the family had just five stores in northern Virginia. Today, there are 570 stores across the U.S. and Canada, with 2009 sales of $483 million. Overseeing the opening of about four new restaurants a week, the Murrells are proof that flipping burgers doesn't have to be a dead-end job."

XMark will most likely yell at me for this because he thinks Five Guys is a joke. The Spot might side with XMark or turn this funny looking Five Guys owner into a funny looking PhotoShop. The Revolutionary Kid might jump for joy because he thinks these burgers are fresh to the death. The Kid might pretend that she can't eat these burgers because she eats too much meat when deep down inside we all know she wants to maw down. Prof. Purple would try to figure out a way to bring us all together so we can concentrate on making dynamite burgers.

But me - Mr. Barneby Jones, Esq. Jr. - would start dreaming. Dreaming about Sexy Burger 20 years into the future. When Sexy Burger has 1000+ locations around the US and magazines are knocking at our door asking us for interviews. (Personally, I can't wait for PlayGirl to come-a-knockin' so I can cover myself in burgers and condiments and do my Sexy poses - be on the lookout for some Sexy videos in the late summer....).

They'd say 'how did you do it?!' And our simple reply would be "'Cause we're Sexy."

So enjoy this short little piece on the journey Five Guys took from a few small shops in northern Virginia to over 500+ locations in two countries. We hope that one day we'll be posting about a small burger movement that started in a ratty third floor apartment and made their way to the top of the burger chain.

How I Did It: Five Guys Burgers

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Easter Bunny Burger

A bunny is a lot of things to a lot of people.

To our old German friend above, a warm, fuzzy companion. To an old hunter with a speech impediment and a duck with a speech impediment and a cat with a speech impediment and a rooster with a speech impediment, a wascally (and often wacist) foil. To a young and creepily sophisticated girl, a tardy guide to a wonder of a land. To a large simpleton with the strength of ten men, a delicate pet. To a young actor destined to fall in love with a rugged Heath Ledger, a dark fortune teller of doom. To the sexiest cartoon character of all time, a goofy and doting husband. To thousands of women everywhere, a replacement who won't talk back and always leaves them happy. To those same women and their replacements, the thing that keeps them going, and going, and going, and going... To perverts (well all men really), a collection of beautiful women with loose morals and even looser clothing. To Christian followers, a cute, furry face of their most holy holiday.

And to the Sexy Burger Six and our faithful Burger Minions, a delicious holiday feast.

That's right. We took Bugs/Roger/Peter/Thumper/Foo Foo and made a burger out of him. And he was D-E-licious.

Now even to the strongest of carnivores, the idea of this burger was a tough pill to swallow. Thanks to popular culture, we have all been led to believe that bunnies are either cute and fuzzy or sarcastic and mischievous, when in reality, they are nothing more than garden eating pests.

Luckily for us, we had 11 of our maddest Minions (Squash, X-Sister, Beav, Boo Boo, Sister Sister, Jive, Jorts, Swid Bomb and Friend, and Chili Son) along for the ride.

So if you readers are still with us and have not thrown up, cried, or tossed your laptops in disgust, we invite you to take the small pill and journey down the rabbit hole for the Easter Bunny Burger.


  • Rabbit patty: Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin down the burger trail, hippity hoppity get into my belly. This burger almost never was. Knowing we may have difficulty finding rabbit meat, let alone ground rabbit, our search started with an eye-opening journey to Providence the week before Burger Day. Deciding we could probably find the meat closer to home, we struck out about 5 times before finally finding our furry friend in frozen form at Market Basket in Ashland on Friday night. The Queen had already declared "Off with its head!" but the rest of the body was fully intact. The meat was still frozen the next day and The Revolutionary Man had to scramble to get it thawed in order to have our favorite butcher, Mike at O'Driscoll's, and Easter Savior de-bone and grind our burger centerpiece. We had no time to say hello or goodbye, but, because of Mike's yeoman's work, got the meat just in time.
  • Fried egg: How in the hell did eggs get paired with Rabbits for this holiday? Some Christian marketing genius must have been toking a little of the Caterpillar's pipe one day when he came up with this little gimmick. The notion of a bunny delivering eggs has become so confusing that even one of our own Sexy Burger Six (we won't name names) suggested we should have used rabbit eggs on the burger instead of chicken eggs. Alas, the fried egg was phenomenal.
  • Molé sauce: Molé Molé Molé Molé. For those who have never heard of Molé sauce click on the link. It is sometimes made with a chocolate base, though tastes nothing like chocolate. It actually tastes like a spicy, Mexican gravy. And you all know how I feel about gravy (Molé cubes?). Anyway, the novelty of a chocolate topping seemed like the perfect topping for our Easter burger as every year parents irresponsibly stuff their fat little children's faces with this sinful treat. Wow. I don't know where that rant came from. Sexy Burger loves and embraces every obese person in this great nation of ours, mostly because they will someday single-handedly keep our business afloat.
And that's about it. I hope you are still with us as a reader and minion. I fear that some people may find this our most offensive post (hopefully because of the content and not because of the ridiculous amount of links I inadvertently used) and burger yet, more-so than the Cheesus Christ Burger or the Devil's Threesome. But I urge you to all just relax and remember that as humans we are on the top of the food chain. With our opposable thumbs, enormous brains, and sexy bodies, we have earned the right to eat whatever we damn well please. Whether it is a cow, chicken, big cat, another human, or a rabbit, it is all fair game. And if all goes to plan, a rabbit is just the tip of the iceberg for cute and cuddly burger meat. That's right, I'm looking at you dogs. Just kidding. As far as you know.

Ain't I a stinkah?

See you next Burger!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Finding providence in Providence Part One Prelude to the Easter Bunny Burger

“There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence” Mark Twain

This past weekend The SexyBurger Six got their permission slips signed and headed out on a very productive field trip. Four burgers and 15 Rhode Island Iced Teas later, The Little State That Could inched closer to the top of the mountainous list of possible homes for a SexyBurger restaurant.

One of the motivating factors for heading out to Providence was to hunt for wabbit, for this weekend’s Easter Bunny Burger. We received a great reference for Antonelli’s Poultry Co. located right in the heart of the Providence’s Little Italy on Federal Hill. It was an adorable little square right on the water with a nice big fountain in the middle and "O Sole Mio" blasting from nearby speakers. I could have sworn I was back in Italy, if not for the Jersey Shore-esque guidos walking around in white sweatsuits, slapping car bumpers and shouting Fonzi like “Heeeeey"s.

Here’s what makes Antonelli's unlike any other place The SexyBurger Six has ever been: After walking through what appears to be a normal cornerstore deli, you pass through a plastic curtain and enter a room filled with live caged chickens, pigeons, partridges, quail, geese, duck, and - the reason for the season - sweet bunnies. Adjacent to the two rows of live animals is one table that makes up the whole of the kill room. This is where your little friend is weighed, de-feathered, gutted, de-boned, and cut up exactly how you like.

Had this been 5 years ago you can bet The Revolutionary Man and The Kid would have been outside in drug rugs eating fur burgers and protesting such crude and inhumane acts. But now--time, reflection, and protein deficiency has turned us into the BurgerManiacs you know and love. In truth, what goes on inside Antonelli’s is the very essence of a culture we’d love to be a part of. It’s easy to mindlessly order a scrumptious plate filled with mass produced chicken wings from your favorite chain restaurant, but to see and understand what goes into putting that animal there gives you true perspective. Seeing the face of the animal you eat is an oft forgotten aspect of the meat devouring society that we live in. Compared to the tens of thousands of chickens that haphazardly go through a single Tyson factory on a daily basis, Antonelli’s is the SPCA. Hell, the place can even double as a neighborhood petting zoo! That's exactly what it was to the five year old little girl whining to The Kid that "the bunny scratched me"! Off with it's head!

On our way out we had the pleasure of running into Mr. Antonelli himself, whose name may, or may not, have been Chris Miller based on his business card. He gave us a lot of great advice from the vantage point of a small business owner in the food industry. He even had a close friend who had opened a ridiculously successful burger joint in Narragansett called Crazy Burger! We talked about the killing that could be made around the corner at Brown and URI (in Rhode Island everything’s around the corner). How, if we flipped affordable burgers at closing time, we would have to beat drunkards off with a stick. We consider this confirmation of the traveling burger wagon idea that is part of our initial business plan, and think it makes a lot of sense as our first business venture.

At the end of the day we didn't buy a bunny. We had to rush off to stop number 2 on this Sexy field trip, the awe inspiring Luxe Burger! Stay tuned for Providence Field Trip Part Deux!