Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Chickens Came Home to Roost

"You guys want to dine and ditch?" - Joe

"Absolutely not. There is no way we could get our fat asses outta here fast enough" - Kati

Mullets. Chicken farts. 4 fully stocked bars. Cocks (roosters you pervert). Bomb ass gift store. Bread, salad, french fries, shells with red sauce and chicken. Obese people. Super obese people. Morbidly obese people. This is Wright's Chicken Farm.

But Wright's Chicken Farm wasn't always the medieval-style dining hall slop-fest that has solidified its place in Rhode Island folklore.

The story started many years ago....

Wright's Chicken Farm was founded by C. Horndish Wright in 1901. It started as a quaint farm consisting of chickens, cows and assorted crops that provided food for the local area. The farm's supply of chickens skyrocketed by the 1950s due to outrageous Rhode Island reproductive methods and chicken trees that grew - yes - chickens. There were so many chickens that they used chop chicken guts to power most of the vehicles and houses in town. The government even got involved and instituted a top-secret program called "Operation Chicken Cock" that bred humans with chickens to create "chickman" offspring in order to help eradicate the Communists during the Northern Siberian War.

As C. Horndish Wright neared death and could no longer deal with the millions of chickens that inhabited his farm, a businessman named Mr. Roger Williams (no connection to the University or Zoo) made an offer to buy the land. Wright agreed, but under one condition: Williams must name the farm in his honor.

With the deal freshly inked, Williams set forth. Using the culinary skills that he picked up during his tenure at Johnson and Wales Culinary School and his masters of business at nearby Bryant University, Williams bought 10 great danes to help herd the tens of thousands of chickens into this giant chicken silo:

From there, it was easy as cluck for this man. After downing an assortment of these guys, Williams realized he could make a chicken anus-load of money if he simply paired these deliciously roasted chickens with bread, salad, french fries and pasta with red sauce. It was a winning combination that firmly sealed Roger Williams' - and Wright's Chicken Farm - place in the Rhode Island Book of History.

Now that you are educated on some good ole fashion RI history, here is a recap of our glutenous evening:

Most of us opted to eat a light breakfast and drink water all day to expand our stomachs. When your meal is $11 a head, you want to make sure you get your money's worth and we planned on really sticking it Wright's.

The Revolutionary Man and the Kid picked up Prof. Purple and myself just around 5. Like we usually do on car trips, we gleefully sang the entire trip to help pass the time and take our minds away from our growling stomachs. 25 musically-charged minutes later we had arrived!

Wright's is only opened Thursday - Sunday, a genius business move on Williams' part because the place is always packed (a tribute to Cartmen's Cartmenland?). We took our number and warmed our stomachs up with some mixed drinks from the bar. Our wait was supposed to be 45 minutes but 20 minutes later our number was called and we were moved into one of many main dining halls.

The anticipation had us shaking, but within minutes our waitress brought rolls and salad and took our order of beers. Shortly after, the main course arrived: fries, pasta with red sauce and CHICKEN! We straight pigged out!

The rest was really a blur. Bite after bite we fell deeper into our respective trances and didn't come out until we all felt something like this:

Our trip to Wright's was incredible, though it definitely lacked a key piece of the Sexy Six (X Mark and the Spot were busy tearing NYC a new a-hole and hooking up Mr. Jeffrey Tambor of Arrested Development fame with our Sexy Business Cards). Despite having two members short of a Sex pack, we left our mark at Wright's, chicken-waddling our way out the door.

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