Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Easter Bunny Burger

A bunny is a lot of things to a lot of people.

To our old German friend above, a warm, fuzzy companion. To an old hunter with a speech impediment and a duck with a speech impediment and a cat with a speech impediment and a rooster with a speech impediment, a wascally (and often wacist) foil. To a young and creepily sophisticated girl, a tardy guide to a wonder of a land. To a large simpleton with the strength of ten men, a delicate pet. To a young actor destined to fall in love with a rugged Heath Ledger, a dark fortune teller of doom. To the sexiest cartoon character of all time, a goofy and doting husband. To thousands of women everywhere, a replacement who won't talk back and always leaves them happy. To those same women and their replacements, the thing that keeps them going, and going, and going, and going... To perverts (well all men really), a collection of beautiful women with loose morals and even looser clothing. To Christian followers, a cute, furry face of their most holy holiday.

And to the Sexy Burger Six and our faithful Burger Minions, a delicious holiday feast.

That's right. We took Bugs/Roger/Peter/Thumper/Foo Foo and made a burger out of him. And he was D-E-licious.

Now even to the strongest of carnivores, the idea of this burger was a tough pill to swallow. Thanks to popular culture, we have all been led to believe that bunnies are either cute and fuzzy or sarcastic and mischievous, when in reality, they are nothing more than garden eating pests.

Luckily for us, we had 11 of our maddest Minions (Squash, X-Sister, Beav, Boo Boo, Sister Sister, Jive, Jorts, Swid Bomb and Friend, and Chili Son) along for the ride.

So if you readers are still with us and have not thrown up, cried, or tossed your laptops in disgust, we invite you to take the small pill and journey down the rabbit hole for the Easter Bunny Burger.


  • Rabbit patty: Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin down the burger trail, hippity hoppity get into my belly. This burger almost never was. Knowing we may have difficulty finding rabbit meat, let alone ground rabbit, our search started with an eye-opening journey to Providence the week before Burger Day. Deciding we could probably find the meat closer to home, we struck out about 5 times before finally finding our furry friend in frozen form at Market Basket in Ashland on Friday night. The Queen had already declared "Off with its head!" but the rest of the body was fully intact. The meat was still frozen the next day and The Revolutionary Man had to scramble to get it thawed in order to have our favorite butcher, Mike at O'Driscoll's, and Easter Savior de-bone and grind our burger centerpiece. We had no time to say hello or goodbye, but, because of Mike's yeoman's work, got the meat just in time.
  • Fried egg: How in the hell did eggs get paired with Rabbits for this holiday? Some Christian marketing genius must have been toking a little of the Caterpillar's pipe one day when he came up with this little gimmick. The notion of a bunny delivering eggs has become so confusing that even one of our own Sexy Burger Six (we won't name names) suggested we should have used rabbit eggs on the burger instead of chicken eggs. Alas, the fried egg was phenomenal.
  • Molé sauce: Molé Molé Molé Molé. For those who have never heard of Molé sauce click on the link. It is sometimes made with a chocolate base, though tastes nothing like chocolate. It actually tastes like a spicy, Mexican gravy. And you all know how I feel about gravy (Molé cubes?). Anyway, the novelty of a chocolate topping seemed like the perfect topping for our Easter burger as every year parents irresponsibly stuff their fat little children's faces with this sinful treat. Wow. I don't know where that rant came from. Sexy Burger loves and embraces every obese person in this great nation of ours, mostly because they will someday single-handedly keep our business afloat.
And that's about it. I hope you are still with us as a reader and minion. I fear that some people may find this our most offensive post (hopefully because of the content and not because of the ridiculous amount of links I inadvertently used) and burger yet, more-so than the Cheesus Christ Burger or the Devil's Threesome. But I urge you to all just relax and remember that as humans we are on the top of the food chain. With our opposable thumbs, enormous brains, and sexy bodies, we have earned the right to eat whatever we damn well please. Whether it is a cow, chicken, big cat, another human, or a rabbit, it is all fair game. And if all goes to plan, a rabbit is just the tip of the iceberg for cute and cuddly burger meat. That's right, I'm looking at you dogs. Just kidding. As far as you know.

Ain't I a stinkah?

See you next Burger!

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