Thursday, May 13, 2010

Halfway to Halloween: A Retro Diary

For all you Sports Guy fans out there, allow me to borrow one of his gimmicks, the retro diary (used expertly here to depict the fall of basketball, and most likely life, in Cleveland), to recap the Sexy Burger Halfway to Halloween Extravaganza!

5:30 AM: My typical wake up when I have had too much to drink the night before, this is the time where I transition from "passing out" to "sleeping". This allows me to do two things: pee out about 120 ounces of Bud Heavy and notice that that bitch Mother Nature is not going to make this day easy on us. Thunderstormin like a mafacka.

7:00 AM: My alarm is set for 8:05, but it feels like Christmas morning to me and I am wide awake with visions of meat and beer dancing in my head. For Mr. Barneby Jones, it feels like his birthday morning.

8:05 AM: The alarm goes off so I officially leap out of bed. The Spot is not so spry. She asks: "Where the hell are you getting all this energy from?" I reply: "It's pure adrenaline baby. I'm sure it will give out around 5 and I'll pass out on the grill." Good lord it's gonna be a great day!

8:30 AM: After stepping out of the shower, I proceed to use a fist full of Axe hair gel in my hair to get it slicked back for the day. The Spot wonders why I'm doing it so early when I'm going to have to redo it again later. It's all about training your hair to have it do what you want.

9:00 AM: As she so often does, the Spot proves me wrong by waking up at 8:50 and being able to get out the door less than 10 minutes later. We are to be at the Revolutionary Man's house in 20 minutes to load up the car and head to party central.

9:20 AM: After fueling up at Dunkin (Sexy Burger Runs on Dunkin) we arrive at the Revolutionary Man's house. We all agree that we drank a little too much the night before. And on that note I offer the Revolutionary Man a beer. The Revolutionary Mom is not amused. The Spot and I grab Prof. Purple and head over to the party house to meet Dave Prout (one of the unsung heroes of the day) to set up the Tent City anchor. Still raining like a bastard.

10:00 AM: We arrive at the haunted house to be greeted by our gracious hosts: Jubilee, Elote, and Paul Walker (no, these are not Sexy Burger nicknames, these are their actual names). As we wait for DPro, Mr. BJ, and RVM, I make my first mistake of the day: cracking beer #1 at 10 AM. Somewhere X Dad is smiling and X Mom is crying.

10:20-11:00 AM: Tent city is erected (insert Bevis and Butthead laugh). There are 7 things that can be described as truly manly: building something; manning the grill; surviving a gunshot or stab wound; killing an animal; making love to a woman; scoring the winning point/run in a sport; and growing/having a beard. On this day I got to do 3 of these (that you know of).

11:01 AM: The minute tent city is erected (hehehe), that whore Mother Nature eases off. The sun pokes out a little. Well played ma'am.

11:30 AM: At this point the Sexy 5 in attendance (the Kid was off doing wedding stuff) tries to plan the rest of the day. We are surprisingly calm, even notorious worriers RVM, the Spot, and Prof. Purple. For a bunch of drunks with busy lives outside of Sexy Burger, we really got our shit together this week with meetings and pre-party preparation. The day went mostly without a hitch and I have to give our group a big Sexy pat on the rear end.

12:00 PM: DPro returns with about 15 chairs, pretty much the only thing we hadn't planned ahead for well enough. I am convinced that man would have detached his left arm for me if he overheard me saying I needed an extra hand on the grill. AND he provided us with a great quote: "Jesus, I can't believe you guys haven't offered me a beer yet!" You raised your father well Angela.

2:00: After running some errands, hanging some lights in the tents (now needed again because Mother Nature decided to f with us some more), and cutting the cheese (litterally, not figuratively), the Spot and Prof. Purple leave the haunted house to go get ready. The first guests show up. Semi-unfortunately they are guests of the hosts and are a)not in costume and b)vegetarians. The old X Mark would have said something completely inappropriate and probably ruined the party. The new wiser, beardier X Mark took it in stride.

2:30: There is really nothing like the first handful of ground meat on a day when you are about to make 72 patties. We bought 28 pounds of ground meet in all (half pork and half beef). I cooked 15 Mafioso patties the night before and the other 23 pounds on this glorious day.

2:34: With about 5 Peter Brady patties formed, I meet a very interesting man named Adam. Wearing a leather jacket in a rain storm and toting a pool toy that lights up the ceiling like a disco ball, Adam proceeds to tell me a tale that I hope upon hopes is true. You see my little Burger Minions, Adam is childhood friends and band mate of Brett Michaels. X Mark usually hates reality TV, especially CelebReality TV, but he loves him some Rock of Love, so this development is quite interesting. Adam says that Brett would love something like Sexy Burger and thinks he would be a perfect fit. Even going so far as to say maybe Brett would bring it up to the Donald himself. Being a realistic person, I merely find this pretty cool. And even though I should be very excited that this sexual icon could potentially take our little venture to the next level, my honest-to-God first instinct is "That m'fer Donald Trump better not steal Sexy Burger and claim it as his own!"

2:52: 20 Burgers down. 52 to go. What did I get myself into?

3:14: Cheesus Christ rises from the dead. Brings with him the sun. F you Mother Nature. All we needed was Christ on our side.

3:37: The Spot and Prof. Purple return. The Spot is in full costume as the her own crazier Mad Hatter (if that is possible) tea cup and all. She will later proclaim this allowed her to slow down her drinking. Ha! Prof. Purple is strangely covered up, hiding her costume because she says she looks too slutty without her tiny white apron, still in RVM's possession. Prof. Purple, this is Sexy Burger. Sluttiness is encouraged and borderline mandatory!

3:42: I realize I may be drinking too much too soon. Better switch to light beer.

4:10: The Nightman Cometh! I finally take a break from patty making with about 20 more South of the Border patties to form. The Spot applies my eye make up (which she enjoys way too much) while the Kid assembles her costume (which is 100% homemade by her and the Spot) in one of the bedrooms. Is it too late to switch her nickname to the Logo? Do you think Jerry West would be pissed?

4:30: The first of our guests arrive! I was really planning on giving a shout out to the first arrival, but I think that switch to light beer came a little too late in the day so some of the details for the rest of the day are a little fuzzy. So Guest #1 I apologize for the lack of recognition, but thank you for being fashionably on time.

4:45-9:30: I fire up the grill at 4:45. I power it down at 9:30. Four hours and 45 minutes is a long time to be on the grill, even for X Mark. I'm sucking down more smoke than the Marlboro Man. I'm handling more meat than an 11 year old Thai ladyboy. I'm sure a lot of wonderful and hilarious things are happening in this time period but my entire focus is meat. I see flashes of costumes out of my sexy black eyes. Anime characters here. Condiments there. My arch nemesis lurking near my woman. My other arch nemesis clinging to his sugar daddy. Refugees from Arizona. The Spot and Mr. BJ are working the party like Frank and Deano. Professor Purple, RVM, and the Kid are running around as my little elves. Costumed freaks are laughing and drinking and eating their faces off. This is why we started Sexy Burger.

9:45: The chef finally eats.

9:52: RVM (dressed as Dayman) barely lets me finish my last delicious bite of the Mafioso before we battle to the death.

10:30: Through the night we have each pinned a contestant for Best Costume and Best Burger Related Costume. The finalists: Emily Hendricks as Suki the Slayer...Julianna Hendricks as Lady Luck/Poison Ivy...Sam Hendricks as some Lord of the Rings loser (christ, talk about nepotism, the Spot did only have one vote though)...#1 fan Barbara Meehan as our #1 Fan... Angela Prout as the Hamburgler...Rachel Sutherland and Holly Atchue as Sexy Burger Waitresses.

10:32: The winners? For Best Burger Related Costume it is Barbara Meehan, winner of a Sexy Burger trucker hat. For Best Costume it is Jive Prout as the Hamburgler, winner of the one and only Big City Slider maker.

10:45-2:00 AM: The rest of the night is fairly uneventful. Some quick highlights: Tent city almost blowing away (I shoulda known Mother Nature wasn't done with us)...The Cake...The drunken singalong started by Sam and Jon "Worst Costume Ever" Hendricks...The drunken singalong grinding to a screeching halt at the hands of Brendan "Thanks to Jon Hendricks I Didn't Win for Worst Costume" McCabe...Singing the Dayman song around the fire.

2:15 AM: X Mark and the Spot retire for the evening. Tired. Drunk. Happy as two burgers covered with cheese and my homemade applesauce. What a motherfuckin success.

For all you Burger Minions who missed the event of the season, stay tuned because we will definitely be doing something like this again (cough June 12 cough cough). Hopefully Halfway to Halloween becomes our signature annual event.

A massive massive massive massive thanks to Jubilee, Elote, and Paul Walker for opening their doors to this debacle; Dave Prout for making our Tent City dream a reality; our loyal friends/fans for shelling out $10 for food (which I know is a lot for a burger but I hope it was worth it) and showing up in some truly great costumes; Mike at O'Driscoll's for giving us a great price on ground beef and pork; the Revolutionary Mom for letting us do prep work in her kitchen the night before; and last but not least the rest of the Sexy Burger 6 for helping me to make this party go off without a hitch and most of all for not fighting amongst ourselves even once. The burgers will truly unite us all!

Don't miss some of Mr. BJ's favorite costumes of the day!

See ya next burger party!


  1. Sweet Cheeses! After reading this all I can say is...I love ya, man ;)) (what a guys rocked it)-Babs

  2. I was guest #1!