Sunday, June 13, 2010

Let the Battle Begin

“We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.” - Charles Barkley

Old McDonald's has the Big Mac. I'd imagine those two other major burger companies have something like that too. I really don't care. Why? Because in the words of Charles Barkley, they're "terrible."

But guess what isn't terrible?

Sexy Burger. Or to be more specific, a Sexy burger that takes on the terrible Big Mac meat sandwich.

The decision has been made: we'll take this terrible burger head on - Sexy Style. We are creating our own Big Mac style burger to show these fools how it's really done.

So help us out with the name by voting in our poll over on the right! If you have any other name suggestions, let us know in the comments!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Maryland Burger (Now with Sebastian Style!)

"Crab cakes and football! That's what Maryland does!!!"

A great quote from a very overrated movie. And boy does it lay the tracks for Sexy Burger's fanciest burger to date.

I know what you are all thinking. And yes. A crab cake is a burger. Maybe you don't think so upon first sight. But I know in my heart of cholesterol clogged hearts that it is. Crab is meat. A crab cake has ground crab in patty form. Am I missing something here?

Now that we've gotten that outta the way, it's time to discuss the naming of this fancy feast. Before settling on "Maryland", this burger name went through several iterations:

The Omar Burger: The Wire is arguably the greatest TV drama of all time. It is an incredibly real and gritty look at the Baltimore drug scene and it's heroes and villains. The show is filled with an incredible cast of characters, but the runaway favorite of the Sexy Burger Six is the scar-faced drug dealer/informant Omar. While Omar is definitely worthy of our praise, I'm not sure his character screams "deliciousness" ("Unlike Stringer Bell" according to The Spot). Plus, Mr. Barneby Jones' cat is named after Omar and that could cause some serious confusion.

The Mexican Surprise: Any male who has visited Mexico between the ages of 18 and 24 probably knows what I'm talking about. Funny and topical, but not very appetizing.

The Lenny Bias: 24 years since his untimely death and it still hurts too much to even pay tribute. Let's move on.

The Sponge Bob Burger: Pretty good. He lives under the sea. He makes crabby patties. He is a favorite of stoners everywhere, just like we intend Sexy Burger to be someday. But I fear the heavies over at Nickelodeon will drop their notoriously iron fists directly on my beautiful head and kibosh this burger before it sees the light of day.

The Revolutionary Man: The most crab like man I have ever seen. But not quite the right name for this.

The Terp Burger: Totally unrealistic. The terrapin is the most dangerous animal in North America. Just for fun a terrapin will see a human man and jump up and literally bite his balls clean off. I've seen it. Three times. There's no chance we will ever be able to turn one into a burger. Too big a risk.

So after going through all these options, we decided to just go with Maryland. It is my alma mater and is a great state worthy of a great burger. For too long it has been associated with crack and chlamydia. Sometimes we need a reminder that Maryland does other things too. Crab cakes and football.


  • Ground Maryland lump crab meat: Lump. Crab. Meat. Maybe the Mexican Surprise was a better name for this burger after all. Double entendres aside, make sure you go with this exact type of crab, preferably Phillips. To get the most natural flavor out of this burger you really need top notch crab. As you'll see below, the crab is the absolute star of the burger. Think Will Smith in I Am Legend. What more do you need when you have Will Smith/crab?
  • Crumbled Ritz crackers: This is like Will's German Sheppard in the movie. This buttery companion provides some crunch to the patty without overwhelming the crab flavor. Crab's best friend.
  • Mix the crab and crackers with an egg, some mayo and mustard, and a little bit of Old Bay seasoning and fry it in some hot vegetable oil. It all may seem simple and bland, but crab tastes incredible and does not need much help. Take it from your trusted friend X Mark and avoid over seasoning your crab cakes. That's the best advice you'll receive all year.
  • Spicy roasted red pepper mayo: You didn't think we'd avoid condiments did you? This is a great topping for this burger because it provides a little bit of spice while still letting the crab's lumpy meat to shine through. Wait, that didn't sound right.
And finally, I am sure you are all wondering about Sebastian Style. Well my friends, not content with marking our return to new burger creation with just one burger, we included a little Caribbean twist. The Spot whipped up some mango salsa and we were instantly transported deep under the sea. And in the words of Walt Disney: "Under the sea, darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me."

Amen Walt.

See ya next burger!

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Meat on the Street

This past Memorial Day weekend the Sexy Six & Burger Mob paid tribute to America in true sexy fashion. This weekend we celebrated baseball, beer, and yes, cased meat. One of our true unsung heroes, the sausage can be found at every ballpark, backyard, and street corner.

According to Wikipedia (which can be edited by almost any of the 6 billion idiots in the world), "a sausage is a food made from ground meat, both beef and pork. Also commonly included is ground pork fat (fatback), salt, herbs, and spices. Typically the sausage is formed in a casing traditionally made from intestine [I call this flavor], but sometimes is synthetic" ("Sausage" 1).

Wikipedia continues to describe this tasty meat treat as regional fare-with each country adding their own cultural twist. But while the French are credited with the etymological origin, the saussiche continues to be a celebrated American favorite.

So next time you are out at the club and you need a quick fix of sobriety, look for your closest meat vendor. Because what you call sausage, I call ladies of the night.

Stay tuned for more about Sexy Burger Memorial Day weekend, our Take Me out to the Ballgame burger, and insight on sausage's sister meat: the hot dog.

Sex sells. Boy is it delicious!


The Easter Egg Burger

"SexyBurger has died. SexyBurger has Risen. Sexyburger will come again."

This burger was all about resurrection. Easter is a time that signals rebirth and that is exactly what the SexyBurger Six had planned for its BurgerMinions back in April. And now it’s Labor Day, a holiday that signals death, futility, and the coming of nut-numbing weather. The whole summer is flashing before my eyes; a season of adventure, relaxation, and sweet, sweet, backyard meat. Does time really fly when you’re having fun or are we just insane for living in New England with our 90 days of sunshine? Townies like The Revolutionary Man and The Kid may never know, but perhaps future turncoats like X-Mark and The Spot will tell us when they finally get out. Regardless of our disappearing act, please know that we are living the Way of the Burger in everything we do. The BurgerMinions, our mission, and our blog are always in our thoughts and we’ve got a lot of exciting ideas coming up. Now onto the SexyBurger!!!

Procrastination is something that afflicts all of us. I may have put off writing a burger post for 4 months but at least I haven’t kept the whole world waiting over 2000 years for my second coming. So we're in good company.

It was difficult to create another Easter burger, knowing it couldn't top the immense success of the Easter Bunny Burger of the previous year. That remains one of those special SexyBurgers that we tend to use when we want impress some SexyBurger virgins with our project. This year we just wanted to gather friends and family to experience something new with half the effort. And thus, the Easter Egg Burger came into creation.

As we all know, the Easter Egg was a miraculous event, conceived through divine intervention in the womb of the lowly rabbit. We asked our guest to partake in the holy sacrament of coloring eggs while we prepared the main course for their enjoyment.

I have to apologize in advance because I can’t remember the small details that make our burgers so Sexy, but rather only the main ingredients. The buns and cheese were chosen because of their Italian origin. Anyone who has ever met a guido, guidette, or goombah immediately recognizes the Christian adornments around their neck which denotes their devotion to Him. The beef was Juicy Lucy’d with egg salad as a recognition of that which brings life (some chose to put it on the burger as you see in the first picture). Finally, it was topped by pastel chocolates to include one of the oldest Easter traditions, the eating of candy. The color and creaminess brought a surprising burst of flavor that symbolized the new colors we saw popping up in our gardens and coincidentally to the polos worn by frat boys and yacht owners across this great nation).

And there it is. A new burger. A new burger post. Not our best in either accounts but it is done. There’s more I want to say but I don’t want to put this off any longer and there are burgers to be made. Cheesus Bless You, and Cheesus Bless the Burgers!

See ya next Burger!