Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The Maryland Burger (Now with Sebastian Style!)

"Crab cakes and football! That's what Maryland does!!!"

A great quote from a very overrated movie. And boy does it lay the tracks for Sexy Burger's fanciest burger to date.

I know what you are all thinking. And yes. A crab cake is a burger. Maybe you don't think so upon first sight. But I know in my heart of cholesterol clogged hearts that it is. Crab is meat. A crab cake has ground crab in patty form. Am I missing something here?

Now that we've gotten that outta the way, it's time to discuss the naming of this fancy feast. Before settling on "Maryland", this burger name went through several iterations:

The Omar Burger: The Wire is arguably the greatest TV drama of all time. It is an incredibly real and gritty look at the Baltimore drug scene and it's heroes and villains. The show is filled with an incredible cast of characters, but the runaway favorite of the Sexy Burger Six is the scar-faced drug dealer/informant Omar. While Omar is definitely worthy of our praise, I'm not sure his character screams "deliciousness" ("Unlike Stringer Bell" according to The Spot). Plus, Mr. Barneby Jones' cat is named after Omar and that could cause some serious confusion.

The Mexican Surprise: Any male who has visited Mexico between the ages of 18 and 24 probably knows what I'm talking about. Funny and topical, but not very appetizing.

The Lenny Bias: 24 years since his untimely death and it still hurts too much to even pay tribute. Let's move on.

The Sponge Bob Burger: Pretty good. He lives under the sea. He makes crabby patties. He is a favorite of stoners everywhere, just like we intend Sexy Burger to be someday. But I fear the heavies over at Nickelodeon will drop their notoriously iron fists directly on my beautiful head and kibosh this burger before it sees the light of day.

The Revolutionary Man: The most crab like man I have ever seen. But not quite the right name for this.

The Terp Burger: Totally unrealistic. The terrapin is the most dangerous animal in North America. Just for fun a terrapin will see a human man and jump up and literally bite his balls clean off. I've seen it. Three times. There's no chance we will ever be able to turn one into a burger. Too big a risk.

So after going through all these options, we decided to just go with Maryland. It is my alma mater and is a great state worthy of a great burger. For too long it has been associated with crack and chlamydia. Sometimes we need a reminder that Maryland does other things too. Crab cakes and football.


  • Ground Maryland lump crab meat: Lump. Crab. Meat. Maybe the Mexican Surprise was a better name for this burger after all. Double entendres aside, make sure you go with this exact type of crab, preferably Phillips. To get the most natural flavor out of this burger you really need top notch crab. As you'll see below, the crab is the absolute star of the burger. Think Will Smith in I Am Legend. What more do you need when you have Will Smith/crab?
  • Crumbled Ritz crackers: This is like Will's German Sheppard in the movie. This buttery companion provides some crunch to the patty without overwhelming the crab flavor. Crab's best friend.
  • Mix the crab and crackers with an egg, some mayo and mustard, and a little bit of Old Bay seasoning and fry it in some hot vegetable oil. It all may seem simple and bland, but crab tastes incredible and does not need much help. Take it from your trusted friend X Mark and avoid over seasoning your crab cakes. That's the best advice you'll receive all year.
  • Spicy roasted red pepper mayo: You didn't think we'd avoid condiments did you? This is a great topping for this burger because it provides a little bit of spice while still letting the crab's lumpy meat to shine through. Wait, that didn't sound right.
And finally, I am sure you are all wondering about Sebastian Style. Well my friends, not content with marking our return to new burger creation with just one burger, we included a little Caribbean twist. The Spot whipped up some mango salsa and we were instantly transported deep under the sea. And in the words of Walt Disney: "Under the sea, darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me."

Amen Walt.

See ya next burger!

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