Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Big Sexy (Our 4th of July Burger)

Happy Birthday America!

Some people call me an unabashed Patriot. Those people are right. I love my country warts and all. It's the greatest damn country in the world. You don't believe me? Well Burger Minions let me state my case.


Baseball. No need to elaborate here. (Although after this horrible tribute to community heroes at the All Star Game followed by the fat black girl from Glee singing Beautiful, I should probably knock my favorite sport down a few pegs)

Super Target and Super Walmart. Have you ever been to either of these places? You can literally get anything there, including...

Beer. Yes some other countries make beer and drink a lot of it. But none of them have Budweiser. That is ours and ours alone.

New Orleans. I have never actually been there but I watched season 1 of Treme and it seems like a damn fun city where you can get a lot of beer RIGHT ON THE STREET!!!

Google Chrome. This new challenger to Firefox and Internet Explorer has an "Incognito Window" that hides your history which allows you to hide from your loved ones all of your...

Porn. When the chips are down, the whole world is against you and nothing is going your way, you can always turn to the internet and find a half hour video that is sure to brighten your day. In other countries you could lose an appendage for watching porn. In America our porn stars run for office and write best selling books.

Soccer. In America I only have to listen to the "die hards" talk about it once every 4 years. I can live with that.

Movies. Where else does this man get to have a love scene with this woman?
South Park. If for no other reason than the greatest song ever (from which I'm sorta stealing their gimmick, so sue me Matt and Trey).

This guy. "It's a double rainbow all the way!"

Arrested Development. What show could better capture all that is great and terrible about this country.
Michael: They've got a picture of you with Sadam Houssein!
George: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I love his work.

Mustaches. Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are probably our greatest American heroes and they both had mustaches you could build a roller coaster on.

The 80's. Were there other countries in the 80s? Sure. Did they have the decade that America had? Not even close. Starting with our upset of the Commies in the 1980 Olympics America absolutely dominated this decade. Corey and Corey. Tiffany and Debbie. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo. Rocky Balboa ending the Cold War. David Hasselhoff taking down the Berlin Wall. The 1986 Celtics. And oh by the way the decade in which every member of Sexy Burger was born. Ya. I'd call that utter dominance by this great nation.

Mel Gibson. Just kidding. You can have him back Australia.

Obesity. Not kidding. Yes. We are a fat ass country and I fully support that. I heard an interesting stat today that in 1991 the highest percentage of obesity in any state was around 15%. In 2010 the LOWEST percentage of obesity in any state was about 19%. But without all these big beautiful people would there really be a market for Sexy Burger? Probably. But only because we are so awesome that we could sell one of our burgers to Pam Anderson. Fat people are people too and since most of them are concentrated in our great country we all need to embrace our big sexy brethren. Because it's not their fault really. For blame, we look to...

McDonalds. The last thing I will mention that makes America so great and the inspiration for our 4th of July Burger. While not the first fast food burger joint (that distinction goes to White Castle), McDonalds truly perfected quick beef on the go. It is one of the most well known brands in the entire world and has served billions of people. They are a huge inspiration to Sexy Burger even though we look to far surpass their burger quality. And to show just how much we appreciate these Burger Pioneers, we bring you...

The Big Sexy.

  • Two all beef patties: We purchased top notch lean chuck from the Dennis Public Market on Cape Cod and seasoned them up with some great steak seasoning. This was our first double burger and, for most people who do not have a freak jaw like myself, proved a little difficult to eat. But for my fellow freaks this was a meat delight.
  • Special sauce: This was not our usual special sauce. Nor was it McDonalds' special sauce (can you still call it that when the whole world knows it's just Thousand Island dressing?). But it was still delicious. Being on the Cape we did not have our usual plethora of ingredients to craft our sauce. Professor Purple raised her game and saved the day with this flavorful creation.
  • Lettuce: Fresh lettuce. Not the diced almost clear lettuce McDonalds uses that gives me instashits.
  • Cheese: New York Cheddar is always better than American cheese food. Just because you stick "American" in front of a product doesn't make it good.
  • Pickles: Big big ups to Nora "Pickle Queen" Colonero. With her HOMEMADE spicy garlic pickles, the Pickle Queen took the Big Sexy from cute burger cover to American classic.
  • Onions: Still don't like these. But at least we Sexied them up by sauteing them in a pan.
  • On a sesame seed bun: Did not break with tradition here. But for our middle bread we toasted some white bread that added a nice crunch to the mix.
God Bless America! Cheesus Bless Sexy Burger!

Quick anecdote: The night of the 4th, the Sexy Burger 6 were on a Cape Cod beach. As the sun went down we saw about 30 different fireworks shows stretched all across the Cape. As our burger clogged hearts filled with excitement, we decided we needed to seize the moment. When the last firework popped, 5 of us came together and began belting the National Anthem. By the time we reached the dawn's early lights, half the beach had joined in with our performance. Never doubt the power of Sexy Burger!

The Big Sexy could not have turned out any sexier. All 20 people who shared our meat this day, including several brand new Burger Minions, agreed this was a raging success. Planet Earth, meet your new Super Power.

America, Fuck Yeah!

See ya next burger!

No comments:

Post a Comment