Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Virgin Burger

The man who came up with the phrase "Good things come to those who wait" must have been a virgin until he was 50 years old. Or a woman. The rest of us know that good things come to those with good looks, money, luck, hypnosis, forget-me-nows or good old fashioned booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Being a virgin has had a massive stigma attached to it ever since Jesus and the gang wrote in the Bible over 150 years ago that people were not allowed to have sex until marriage (of course He also died a virgin so He probably didn't know what He was missing out on). Ever since then, many people across the universe have accepted this word as gospel causing early onset forearm tendinitis in many Christian boys (and why is masturbation also a sin? Make up your mind God, You can't have it both ways!)

From this widely held belief, the media has seized an opportunity to redefine how we the people should look at the less fortunate (virgins). Essentially, the media and movie industry have made the following mandate of their own, which has proven to be as entrenched in our values as that made by Jesus Himself Christ all those years ago: Girl Virgins Good, Boy Virgins Lepers.
We were supposed to believe this girl was a virgin?

When Britney Spears broke onto the scene, she was the school girl virgin from the Mickey Mouse club with the squeaky clean boyfriend and positive message. Then Justin dumped her ass and let the world know they had sex and now she is fat, bald, living in a trailer park receiving child support checks from George Costanza and Vanilla Ice. In Cruel Intentions, Reese Witherspoon plays the virgin daughter of the school's headmaster, riding horses and doing magazine interviews on her virginity. Then she loses her virginity, gets in a slut off with Sarah Michelle Gellar, her boyfriend is killed and then she stars in Sweet Home Alabama. Clearly, Hollywood and the media believe that virgin girls are the peak of human existence until they give away their flowers and cause death and shitty career moves.

Virgin boys, on the other hand, take more punishment than the seams on Oprah's skinny jeans (zing!) until they lose their virginity and become instantly popular and happy. Just take a look at these movies all built around this exact basic premise: 40 Year Old Virgin, American Pie, Porkys, Road Trip, Sex Drive, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (which also had the Girl Virgin downfall mentioned earlier), The Virginity Hit, Revenge of the Nerds, She's Out of My League and Super Bad.

Clearly we have some differing view points here. Luckily, your friends at Sexy Burger have just the thing to unite the masses. Bring together the virgins and the non. The religious and the secular. The gingers and the rest of us. Here it is, ready to be carried over the threshold that is your lower jaw:

The Virgin Burger.

  • Veal patty: This lightly seasoned ground baby cow sat on that bun with a look that said "come here big boy and statutorily eat me"
  • Baby spinach: We used baby spinach here to conjure the images of innocence and a life before that pesky clap. Ah, those were the days. Plus, if we got adult spinach to mount the baby cow Chris Hanson would have been banging down our door.
  • Baked brie topped with honey: Sweet, creamy, gooey, warm and white just like... marshmallows over a fire, which virgins love.
  • Cherry reduction sauce: Too. Many. Inappropriate. Jokes. Must. Move. On. To. Maintain. Elegance. And. Purity. Of. Burger.
The burger was outstanding. The cherry sauce was sweet and spicy and it mixed really well with the sweet, creamy brie. All of this combined with the light taste of the veal patty and the crispness of the spinach made for a great return by the Sexy Burger Crew.

Of course this burger was not without controversy. 4 of the Sexy Burger Six were in Vermont this weekend for a special event that I'll explain later(RVM and the Kid were in Vegas getting marri...oh, wait, they already did that. Why else would a couple go to Vegas?). Now, if there are 2 things I've learned as a longtime prisoner of New England, it is that Vermont is ripe with hippies and hippies hate meat. What better place to debut a burger using the most hated meat in the vegetarian hippie community? Luckily our gracious hosts Matt and Toni Marie are not born and raised Vermonters so they allowed us to proceed with The Virgin Burger. Though they both passed on the burger, opting instead for turkey burgers, I cannot say I blame them; less than a mile away from their house is a veal farm. I couldn't imagine driving past that every day after having a taste for veal. I'd be attempted to jump out for a bite with every passing.

As I mentioned earlier, the return to the grill was not the only major event of this President's Day weekend. The SBS got even closer this week when Mr. Barneby Jones got down on one knee and proposed to Professor Purple on the top of a mountain (no word on whether there were flutes and garlands of fresh herb). To the surprise of no one, the Professor accepted leaving The Spot and I as the only members of Sexy Burger living in sin.

So on behalf of the rest of Sexy Burger and all our Burger Minions, I would like to congratulate Mr. Barneby Jones and the future Mrs. Professor Purple Jones on taking the plunge. May your lives be filled with happiness and meat.

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