Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Number 7: Episode Two of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries

This is the tale of The Spot and Jack Daniels...

Their eyes met from across the room. The setting a non-descript South Florida bar. She was all of 21 years old, inexperienced in the ways of the world, yet eager to unlock the mysteries it held. He was 156 years old and had been in places like this millions of times before, his stare old and wise.

After some time passed, he casually approached her at the bar. He was short, but dark and handsome. She didn't know at the time, but he was exactly her type. As they came in contact for the first time, it was love at first taste. One taste and he was pumping so much soul through her body that he transformed her into Ray Charles tickling the imaginary ivory, singing "I Can't Stop Loving You" all night long.
Before Jack
After Jack

The affair progressed slowly over the next couple years. A New Years party here. A townie bar on a Tuesday night there. A quiet night at home. A back ally dalliance. It all came to a head when she moved into her new house and there he was, awaiting her lips. It was like the first time they met all over again as the original spark had returned. Their bond was unbreakable.

She would take him everywhere. She loved taking him to barbecues with her friends just to show off their love. She even figured out a way to shrink him down and stash him in her purse just to get him into bars where his presence was rarely strong enough for her. Their passion for each other was intense and their love affair torrid, but like a lot of relationships, it became stale.

As the days passed, she realized she needed more out of him. She tried bringing some new flavors to the mix, but it wasn't enough. She tried an open relationship with Evan, Weller and an older man named Jim, but it wasn't enough. She tried going on a break, but he continued to call. Finally, when it looked like their relationship would go the way of other great romances like Charles and Di, Michael and Liza, or Nick and Jessica, she dug deep and found the ultimate way to make it work. Put him on a burger.

The Number 7.


  • Beef patty: Full disclosure...I forgot to check the tank before I fired up the grill and had to finish cooking 11 patties in fry pans. Was not a total disaster but it could have been. Sometimes people forget things and it's no big deal, something to laugh about later. But sometimes forgetting something can be deadly. Jack Daniels was a forgettor and it led to his demise. According to reputable news reporter Wiki Pedia (I think he's Spanish), Daniels had a safe in his office to which he always forgot the combination. One morning, probably after a long night of sampling his own stuff, he came into the office and couldn't get the safe open. He gave the safe a swift kick, injuring one of his toes. A short time later, he fell ill with an infection in the injured toe and he died. Needless to say I will never forget to check the tank again.
  • Cheddar cheese: We were duped by some pre-sliced packaged "cheddar" cheese worse than a Thai lady boy on the Las Vegas strip. It was not cheddar. But of course, as usual, we made it work.We will stick to the deli from now on.
  • Slices of apple: From the first two ingredients, it may seem like this burger was something less than spectacular. That is before you hear about these next two ingredients. In honor of the drink Apple Jack, we topped the burger with slices of apples. Oh ya, we also baked them in butter and brown sugar first. You know that thing in the Bible that people go to after they die if they had been good their entire lives? Right, Heaven. Where they serve you nothing but these sliced apples.
  • Homemade Jack Daniels sauce: TGI Fridays and Jack Daniels teamed up to make a barbecue sauce for the TGI Friday's menu (which they also now sell in stores). They should have consulted with X Mark first. Using 7 ingredients (Jack, syrup, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, garlic, and brown sugar) in honor of the No. 7 Brand, we made a Jack Daniels based sauce that I applied to the burgers while I cooked. One day I envision a world where every grocery store will have a ketchup section, a mayo section, a mustard section, and a Sexy Burger Jack Daniels sauce section so you can all experience the mouth pleasure that my friends and I had last weekend.
So you've now all heard a great love story and all about the second burger in our drink themed miniseries. With the weather finally warming up I am hoping to make a lot more burgers in the next few weeks.We will also be posting a lot more content in an effort to get this piece back up and running. Until then, I leave you with Jack Daniel's final words, which the Sexy Burger Six (minus the now sober RVM and The Kid) embrace as gospel, "One last drink, please."

See ya next burger!

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