Sexy Burger

10 ~ 1 ~ 2011

2011-09-06T09:10:00.001-04:00

October 1, 2011

Save the date

We're baaaaaaack!!!

The Easter Egg Burger

2011-09-04T13:33:00.010-04:00

"SexyBurger has died. SexyBurger has Risen. Sexyburger will come again."

This burger was all about resurrection. Easter is a time that signals rebirth and that is exactly what the SexyBurger Six had planned for its BurgerMinions back in April. And now it’s Labor Day, a holiday that signals death, futility, and the coming of nut-numbing weather. The whole summer is flashing before my eyes; a season of adventure, relaxation, and sweet, sweet, backyard meat. Does time really fly when you’re having fun or are we just insane for living in New England with our 90 days of sunshine? Townies like The Revolutionary Man and The Kid may never know, but perhaps future turncoats like X-Mark and The Spot will tell us when they finally get out. Regardless of our disappearing act, please know that we are living the Way of the Burger in everything we do. The BurgerMinions, our mission, and our blog are always in our thoughts and we’ve got a lot of exciting ideas coming up. Now onto the SexyBurger!!!

Procrastination is something that afflicts all of us. I may have put off writing a burger post for 4 months but at least I haven’t kept the whole world waiting over 2000 years for my second coming. So we're in good company.

It was difficult to create another Easter burger, knowing it couldn't top the immense success of the Easter Bunny Burger of the previous year. That remains one of those special SexyBurgers that we tend to use when we want impress some SexyBurger virgins with our project. This year we just wanted to gather friends and family to experience something new with half the effort. And thus, the Easter Egg Burger came into creation.

As we all know, the Easter Egg was a miraculous event, conceived through divine intervention in the womb of the lowly rabbit. We asked our guest to partake in the holy sacrament of coloring eggs while we prepared the main course for their enjoyment.

I have to apologize in advance because I can’t remember the small details that make our burgers so Sexy, but rather only the main ingredients. The buns and cheese were chosen because of their Italian origin. Anyone who has ever met a guido, guidette, or goombah immediately recognizes the Christian adornments around their neck which denotes their devotion to Him. The beef was Juicy Lucy’d with egg salad as a recognition of that which brings life (some chose to put it on the burger as you see in the first picture). Finally, it was topped by pastel chocolates to include one of the oldest Easter traditions, the eating of candy. The color and creaminess brought a surprising burst of flavor that symbolized the new colors we saw popping up in our gardens and coincidentally to the polos worn by frat boys and yacht owners across this great nation).

And there it is. A new burger. A new burger post. Not our best in either accounts but it is done. There’s more I want to say but I don’t want to put this off any longer and there are burgers to be made. Cheesus Bless You, and Cheesus Bless the Burgers!

See ya next Burger!

The MILF Burger (Mom I'd Like to Feed)

2011-05-10T22:43:00.003-04:00

From Spanish reporter, Wiki Pedia: “Oedipus was a mythical Greek king of Thebes. He fulfilled a prophecy that said he would kill his father and marry his mother, and thus brought disaster on his city and family.” I wonder if he did this to get her special burger recipe? (Don't worry X Dad. I already got the recipe so I'm not coming for your throne.)

X Mom is an incredible cook. Growing up a picky eater, her talents were often times wasted on me. As a good Italian woman, she made great sauces with an abundance of vegetables and seasonings that were just too advanced for my MR P (Mentally Retarded Pallet). Even though I restricted myself from some of her best dishes, it was apparent she was a great cook.

In college and my first couple years out of school, it looked like I would follow in X Dad’s culinary footsteps. In other words, I would be the master of the microwave and peeler of potatoes and not much else. Sure, I could grill a piece of meat and make a mean turkey, cheese and mayo sandwich and my delicacy was Milano cookies dipped in vanilla frosting. But I had neither the patience nor, it seemed, the talent to evolve beyond throwing a Hungry Man dinner in the oven for 15 minutes with a cold Busch Lite as my vegetable.

Then a funny thing happened. I got a girlfriend. Apparently girlfriends don’t like frozen chicken fingers and cheese fries with a side of beer for dinner. Buying a pound and a half of turkey meat is not a smart way to get 5 dinners for the weak. So once The Spot and I started dating, I realized I needed to take my culinary ability to the next level.

After getting by with pasta dishes and marinated meats for the beginning of our relationship, it was clear I needed to show The Spot more. About a year in, we took a 3 day vacation to Provincetown where the plan was to make all of our dinners at our condo. I volunteered to do most of the cooking trying to show the little lady that she picked a winner. Like Clark Kent accidentally punching a hole in a brick wall for the first time, it all clicked and I finally realized X Mom had passed her talents to me. I grilled the best steak I had ever made, baked a flaky and juicy breaded haddock, and made the unofficial first Sexy Burger, a Jucy Lucy style blue cheese burger. I was hooked.

A few months later, Sexy Burger was born. When I told X Mom all about our new venture she immediately said she had a great recipe for us. I was thrilled to have her contribution, but because of our overflow of in-house ideas and probably some hubris, the recipe sat in my inbox collecting dust for over a year. Then, two weekends ago, we were trying to come up with a brand new burger to kick off the month of May. We had some decent ideas and some really terrible ones, most of which involved costumes for the burgers (ya we were struggling) but nothing seemed ready or worthy of being a Sexy Burger. Then we remembered that the following weekend was Mother’s Day and the idea hit us. What better way to honor all of our mothers who kept our bellies full of delicious food as we grew up than with a delicious and sophisticated burger they can call their own, straight from one of our own mothers.

The MILF Burger (Mom I’d Like to Feed)

Components:

Ground turkey with pesto: One of the many ingredients in this burger that I didn’t like growing up, the parmesan and basil flavor in the pesto reminded me of how damn foolish I was to consistently say to my mother, “No I don’t want pesto on my pasta, I’ll have melted Velveeta cheese instead!” Any sane person would absolutely love this flavor booster for the turkey meat.
Crumbled gorgonzola cheese: Fun to say and even more fun to eat! Say it with me. Gor – gone – zo – la. All infomercial speak aside, I really like putting cheeses like gorgonzola, blue cheese and feta on our burgers. They definitely retain their flavor best and with all the sweet burgers we’ve been doing lately they provide a nice change of pace.
Roasted red peppers, sun dried tomatoes and avocado slices: 10 years ago if you had told my mother that I would not only put these three items on a meal that I was actually going to eat, but would also enjoy, she would shed tears of joy, laugh at the absurdity of your statement, then slap you in the mouth for lying to her. X Mom, like most moms, don’t like liars.
Chipotle mayo and honey mustard: X Mom suggested one or the other, but since this is Sexy Burger we did both. Sweet and spicy came together as a comforting condiment blanket looking to tuck this burger in and put it to sleep. Sweet dreams and good night turkey. Don't let the hungry Burger Minions bite.

This was our gift to all of our wonderful mothers. Through your guidance, love and understanding we have become the well adjusted, slightly insane individuals you see here today. We thank you for not killing us for getting a bad grade, “forgetting” to do our chores, making our younger siblings cry, or stealing your vodka and putting water back into the bottle so you wouldn’t notice only to freeze the bottle years later magically turning “liquor” into ice. Instead, you stayed patient with us, gave us the tools to succeed and helped to train the greatest collection of burger making talents the world has ever seen. You are all truly mothers we’d like to feed. Happy Mother's Day Moms.

See ya next burger!

The Number 7: Episode Two of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries

2011-04-28T09:41:00.001-04:00

This is the tale of The Spot and Jack Daniels...

Their eyes met from across the room. The setting a non-descript South Florida bar. She was all of 21 years old, inexperienced in the ways of the world, yet eager to unlock the mysteries it held. He was 156 years old and had been in places like this millions of times before, his stare old and wise.

After some time passed, he casually approached her at the bar. He was short, but dark and handsome. She didn't know at the time, but he was exactly her type. As they came in contact for the first time, it was love at first taste. One taste and he was pumping so much soul through her body that he transformed her into Ray Charles tickling the imaginary ivory, singing "I Can't Stop Loving You" all night long.

Before Jack

After Jack

The affair progressed slowly over the next couple years. A New Years party here. A townie bar on a Tuesday night there. A quiet night at home. A back ally dalliance. It all came to a head when she moved into her new house and there he was, awaiting her lips. It was like the first time they met all over again as the original spark had returned. Their bond was unbreakable.

She would take him everywhere. She loved taking him to barbecues with her friends just to show off their love. She even figured out a way to shrink him down and stash him in her purse just to get him into bars where his presence was rarely strong enough for her. Their passion for each other was intense and their love affair torrid, but like a lot of relationships, it became stale.

As the days passed, she realized she needed more out of him. She tried bringing some new flavors to the mix, but it wasn't enough. She tried an open relationship with Evan, Weller and an older man named Jim, but it wasn't enough. She tried going on a break, but he continued to call. Finally, when it looked like their relationship would go the way of other great romances like Charles and Di, Michael and Liza, or Nick and Jessica, she dug deep and found the ultimate way to make it work. Put him on a burger.

The Number 7.

Components:

Beef patty: Full disclosure...I forgot to check the tank before I fired up the grill and had to finish cooking 11 patties in fry pans. Was not a total disaster but it could have been. Sometimes people forget things and it's no big deal, something to laugh about later. But sometimes forgetting something can be deadly. Jack Daniels was a forgettor and it led to his demise. According to reputable news reporter Wiki Pedia (I think he's Spanish), Daniels had a safe in his office to which he always forgot the combination. One morning, probably after a long night of sampling his own stuff, he came into the office and couldn't get the safe open. He gave the safe a swift kick, injuring one of his toes. A short time later, he fell ill with an infection in the injured toe and he died. Needless to say I will never forget to check the tank again.
Cheddar cheese: We were duped by some pre-sliced packaged "cheddar" cheese worse than a Thai lady boy on the Las Vegas strip. It was not cheddar. But of course, as usual, we made it work.We will stick to the deli from now on.
Slices of apple: From the first two ingredients, it may seem like this burger was something less than spectacular. That is before you hear about these next two ingredients. In honor of the drink Apple Jack, we topped the burger with slices of apples. Oh ya, we also baked them in butter and brown sugar first. You know that thing in the Bible that people go to after they die if they had been good their entire lives? Right, Heaven. Where they serve you nothing but these sliced apples.
Homemade Jack Daniels sauce: TGI Fridays and Jack Daniels teamed up to make a barbecue sauce for the TGI Friday's menu (which they also now sell in stores). They should have consulted with X Mark first. Using 7 ingredients (Jack, syrup, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, garlic, and brown sugar) in honor of the No. 7 Brand, we made a Jack Daniels based sauce that I applied to the burgers while I cooked. One day I envision a world where every grocery store will have a ketchup section, a mayo section, a mustard section, and a Sexy Burger Jack Daniels sauce section so you can all experience the mouth pleasure that my friends and I had last weekend.

So you've now all heard a great love story and all about the second burger in our drink themed miniseries. With the weather finally warming up I am hoping to make a lot more burgers in the next few weeks.We will also be posting a lot more content in an effort to get this piece back up and running. Until then, I leave you with Jack Daniel's final words, which the Sexy Burger Six (minus the now sober RVM and The Kid) embrace as gospel, "One last drink, please."

See ya next burger!

Help Out Conor

2011-04-25T20:27:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone,

I created this ChipIn because I wanted to help out my cousin Conor. I thank you for putting him in your thoughts too.

Conor

As you may know, Conor was diagnosed and has been battling bone cancer. He's been fighting hard and is well on his way to beating it, but could still use some help.

That's where I hope all of you can come in to lend a hand.

Can you help out Conor by donating today?

My goal is to raise $1,000 by May 7. On May 7, a few friends and I will be running a 10-mile long race up and down Mt. Snow in Vermont. The event, called Tough Mudder, includes 20+ military style obstacles scattered throughout the course. Tough Mudder is going to be insane and I plan to dedicate my run to Conor.

It would be great if I could count on everyone to help me reach my goal. I'd rather think about handing this gift over to Conor as I near the finish line instead of wondering if the last obstacle, electroshock therapy (dangling live wires - some carrying up to 10,000 volts), is going to knock me out in front of hundreds of spectators.

As an added bonus if you donate more than $25 I will put your name in a drawing for two tickets to a Red Sox game on August 16! (thanks to Kyle Graham for the hook up).

It's easy to help. Click on the "ChipIn" button on this page and it will bring you to a form where you can enter your credit or debit card information and make a safe and secure donation right online! This works through PayPal which is a trusted online source. Once all the donations have come in, I will give 100% to Conor. Hopefully it can help with medical bills or whatever else he needs.

Let’s make it happen and help out a great guy!

Thank you for your help and donations - Joe

Mother Nature, This Time You've Gone To Far!

2011-04-18T16:25:00.002-04:00

Hide ya burgers, Hide ya fries

The Virgin Burger

2011-02-24T18:42:00.000-05:00

The man who came up with the phrase "Good things come to those who wait" must have been a virgin until he was 50 years old. Or a woman. The rest of us know that good things come to those with good looks, money, luck, hypnosis, forget-me-nows or good old fashioned booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Being a virgin has had a massive stigma attached to it ever since Jesus and the gang wrote in the Bible over 150 years ago that people were not allowed to have sex until marriage (of course He also died a virgin so He probably didn't know what He was missing out on). Ever since then, many people across the universe have accepted this word as gospel causing early onset forearm tendinitis in many Christian boys (and why is masturbation also a sin? Make up your mind God, You can't have it both ways!)

From this widely held belief, the media has seized an opportunity to redefine how we the people should look at the less fortunate (virgins). Essentially, the media and movie industry have made the following mandate of their own, which has proven to be as entrenched in our values as that made by Jesus Himself Christ all those years ago: Girl Virgins Good, Boy Virgins Lepers.

We were supposed to believe this girl was a virgin?

When Britney Spears broke onto the scene, she was the school girl virgin from the Mickey Mouse club with the squeaky clean boyfriend and positive message. Then Justin dumped her ass and let the world know they had sex and now she is fat, bald, living in a trailer park receiving child support checks from George Costanza and Vanilla Ice. In Cruel Intentions, Reese Witherspoon plays the virgin daughter of the school's headmaster, riding horses and doing magazine interviews on her virginity. Then she loses her virginity, gets in a slut off with Sarah Michelle Gellar, her boyfriend is killed and then she stars in Sweet Home Alabama. Clearly, Hollywood and the media believe that virgin girls are the peak of human existence until they give away their flowers and cause death and shitty career moves.

Virgin boys, on the other hand, take more punishment than the seams on Oprah's skinny jeans (zing!) until they lose their virginity and become instantly popular and happy. Just take a look at these movies all built around this exact basic premise: 40 Year Old Virgin, American Pie, Porkys, Road Trip, Sex Drive, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (which also had the Girl Virgin downfall mentioned earlier), The Virginity Hit, Revenge of the Nerds, She's Out of My League and Super Bad.

Clearly we have some differing view points here. Luckily, your friends at Sexy Burger have just the thing to unite the masses. Bring together the virgins and the non. The religious and the secular. The gingers and the rest of us. Here it is, ready to be carried over the threshold that is your lower jaw:

The Virgin Burger.

Components:

Veal patty: This lightly seasoned ground baby cow sat on that bun with a look that said "come here big boy and statutorily eat me"
Baby spinach: We used baby spinach here to conjure the images of innocence and a life before that pesky clap. Ah, those were the days. Plus, if we got adult spinach to mount the baby cow Chris Hanson would have been banging down our door.
Baked brie topped with honey: Sweet, creamy, gooey, warm and white just like... marshmallows over a fire, which virgins love.
Cherry reduction sauce: Too. Many. Inappropriate. Jokes. Must. Move. On. To. Maintain. Elegance. And. Purity. Of. Burger.

The burger was outstanding. The cherry sauce was sweet and spicy and it mixed really well with the sweet, creamy brie. All of this combined with the light taste of the veal patty and the crispness of the spinach made for a great return by the Sexy Burger Crew.

Of course this burger was not without controversy. 4 of the Sexy Burger Six were in Vermont this weekend for a special event that I'll explain later(RVM and the Kid were in Vegas getting marri...oh, wait, they already did that. Why else would a couple go to Vegas?). Now, if there are 2 things I've learned as a longtime prisoner of New England, it is that Vermont is ripe with hippies and hippies hate meat. What better place to debut a burger using the most hated meat in the vegetarian hippie community? Luckily our gracious hosts Matt and Toni Marie are not born and raised Vermonters so they allowed us to proceed with The Virgin Burger. Though they both passed on the burger, opting instead for turkey burgers, I cannot say I blame them; less than a mile away from their house is a veal farm. I couldn't imagine driving past that every day after having a taste for veal. I'd be attempted to jump out for a bite with every passing.

As I mentioned earlier, the return to the grill was not the only major event of this President's Day weekend. The SBS got even closer this week when Mr. Barneby Jones got down on one knee and proposed to Professor Purple on the top of a mountain (no word on whether there were flutes and garlands of fresh herb). To the surprise of no one, the Professor accepted leaving The Spot and I as the only members of Sexy Burger living in sin.

So on behalf of the rest of Sexy Burger and all our Burger Minions, I would like to congratulate Mr. Barneby Jones and the future Mrs. Professor Purple Jones on taking the plunge. May your lives be filled with happiness and meat.

My Beer Mistress is coming...

2010-11-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

From the day I was able to choose my own beer (sorry X Mom and X Dad for taking that which did not belong to me), I have always been an Anheuser-Busch man. When looking to get economically drunk I had my buddy Busch Light. If I was looking for a conversation starter I went Busch Heavy ("Oh that's bad ass bro, you drink Busch Heavy?" is something some dude bros have actually said to me). If I had a little walkin' around money and was feelin' fancy I turned to Bud Heavy. And now in my advanced years as the pounds are not falling away as easily anymore, I have gone on a diet with a strict regiment of Bud Light.

Whenever I walk into a liquor store it is for an AB brand. Whenever I go to the bar I ask for one of my AB friends. The marriage to AB has always been unwavering. Until a fateful day my junior year of college when my friend Can't Stand Ya left me the best voicemail ever: "Dude, hurry up and get to the parking lot (for tailgating). We've got a huge cooler of food and beer and we need someone to eat and drink it!" And that is how I started cheating on Anheuser-Busch with Yuengling.

The reason for my non-burger anecdote is this exciting story from the Wall Street Journal. You see, Yuengling currently is only sold in 13 states along the east coast, one of which is NOT Massachusetts. I have gone months and even years without tasting my favorite beer, so finding out there is even a chance it could be coming to Mass has sent me into a dizzying spiral of beer joy.

So to wrap up this rambling I want to lay down this promise/invitation: The day Yuengling is brought to Mass I will be taking a personal day from work/life/the world to spend a spiritual day with my beer mistress and any Burger Minion out there who is equally excited by this news is welcome to join me in my most intimate of times. And to bring it all back to Sexy Burger, I am also in the process of creating a special Yuengling Burger and would appreciate any suggestions.

Sorry for the diversion from burgers, but I'm busting over this news and I wanted to share it with my faithful Burger Mob.

See ya next burger!

Maybe I should get this with a side of burger

The Mojito Burger: Episode One of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries

2010-11-03T21:31:00.000-04:00

If you know any of the Sexy Burger Six you know our stance on alcohol: we love it. I know I would put a frothy can of Budweiser on my Cinnamon Toast Crunch every morning if it were socially acceptable and I'm sure several of you reading this blog would do the same. Well since it is not socially acceptable whatsoever (believe me, I've tried in several settings of varying social class and been shunned in each one), we had to come up with another way to marry delicious food with our favorite giggle juices.

Luckily, this summer an opportunity presented itself. Faced with the horrific possibility of a summer BBQ with nothing but frozen burger patties and mildly enjoyable company, the Crew snapped into action. "How could we make a killer summer burger that would encapsulate our goal of combining food and booze?" First we had to channel Jeff Goldblum. "Wait a minute. Summer. Some myrrh. Myrhh is what the three wise men brought to Jesus on his birthday. Jesus. Jesus died for our sins on a cross. Across. Across the Atlantic Ocean from Florida lays a communist island called Cuba. In Cuba they created a sweet and tarty summer drink called the mojito. My god, the mojito!" And that is how we got...

The Mojito Burger.

Components:

Jamaican jerk marinated pork patty: Cubans are notorious for hating Jamaicans. Cubans love 3 things: Hating fun, hating democracy and hating America. Since Jamaicans have more fun than anyone, love democracy and Americans love them it is only natural for Cuba to hate Jamaicans. Therefore, what better marinade to use in our Cuban drink burger than Jamaican JERK.
Lime: Use this liberally. Trust me. I squeezed it in the raw pork. I squeezed it on as I cooked. I placed lime slices on the patties as I cooked. I went a little lime crazy, but what can I say? I was drunk and it tasted great.
Grilled garlic ciabatta bread: This was almost as controversial as the Cuban trade embargo. Some people (mostly people with huge mouths like me) loved this bread. It was extremely tasty and crunchy. Others (with human sized mouths) thought it was not a good fit. They thought it was a little unruly and took away from the awesome flavors of this creation.
Provolone: A lot of dominating flavors in this burger so we just wanted a cheese that could hang out and not try to be the center of attention.
Mango salsa: We've used this before on the Maryland Burger and decided to bring it back for this summery island treat. A much easier way to host a party in your mouth than inviting all your friends.
Mint chutney: I don't really know what chutney is but this was the mint version of it. Can't have a mojito without fresh mint. That would be Un-Cuban.

There you have it. Now I know we didn't actually use liquor in this burger but the idea to do so came much later so I'd appreciate it if you'd back up offa me. If you want you could try throwing some rum into the jerk sauce when you marinate the meat, but it really isn't necessary.

As you'll notice in the title, this is episode one of a Sexy Burger miniseries on Drink Burgers. The Mojito was our first and we have another episode on the way. But we want to pose to the Burger Mob a question: What other kind of drink burgers should we make? Get creative. No drink is too gross (believe me the next drink burger we write about will sound awful but it was incredible) or too outrageous. If you can dream it, we can do it. Please please please submit your ideas by way of the comment section below, the Sexy Burger Facebook page, text message, email, phone call, telegram or telepathy. We could really use your help.

Stay tuned for Episode 2 of "The Sexy Drink Burger" miniseries.

See ya next burger!

The Spot contemplates our next burger: The Charlie Burger

Sorry Lucia, the Logan Burger would be too tough

X Mark taking a break from cooking to make a sweet farting noise

I didn't know hipsters worked out!?!

Happy Halloween with Shaquita

2010-11-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

Because we are called "Sexy Burger" it is important to not completely ignore the first part of our name as we usually just talk about burgers here.

Follow THIS LINK to a video that pushes the boundaries of sexy, the limits of the imagination, the extremity of acceptable behavior, and teeters ever so slightly on the edge of horrifying, but perfectly captures the essence of Halloween. Enjoy (and hide the children)!

Conan Steals Our Idea...Sorta

2010-10-25T18:06:00.004-04:00

So one of the casualties of our busy summer was that we had to table one of our favorite ideas: re-creating those sexy Carl's Jr. ads with members from Sexy Burger.

Our male Burger Mob is probably licking their chops right now at the thought of the Spot, Professor Purple, and the Kid donning skimpy outifts and stepping into the roles of Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge and Kim Kardashian (could there be a more talented trio?). But we were looking at this as an opportunity to cater to our female fans and instead were going to insert Mr. BJ, the Revolutionary Man and me into the aforementioned commercials.

Unfortunately for the ladies (or fortunately for the guys and X Dad and X Mom and my political aspirations) our idea has been usurped by the one and only Conan O'Brien. In an ad for his new talk show on TBS, Conan tackles the Paris Hilton edition of the commercials. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your point of view) he did leave the door open for us to do our own parody by not wearing a bathing suit (rumors abound that there are images of Mr. BJ trying out for this commercial) and not using burgers as a prop.

Here is the video from Conan (hat tip to Paste Magazine) and the original from Paris. Enjoy!

Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr. | Viral/Other | SPIKE.com

***UPDATE***
The rumors were true...

The Rock Bottom Tour

2010-10-19T17:54:00.009-04:00

Two Saturdays ago on October 9th, the Sexy Burger 6 celebrated the 27th birthday of one of the blog's closest friends, Lucia "Juici Luci" Scott. Looking to meet the memorability of her 16th birthday while decreasing the amount of trips to the hospital, the crew, Juici Luci and a whole host of friends from high school embarked on "The Rock Bottom Tour."

"The Rock Bottom Tour" was not the official name of Tiger Woods' stay in sex rehab. It was actually a Westboro, MA pub crawl. What makes a Westboro, MA pub crawl rock bottom? Well as my friend in the picture can attest, "You'll know it when you get there."

But this quick post is not about bringing down spirits, it is about lifting and drinking them. It is about providing others in similar rock bottom predicaments with a blue print for success and enjoyment. Here, Sexy Burger is providing you with an opportunity to make the absolute best of a shitty situation. Below, we present to you "The Rock Bottom Tour" pub crawl map complete with suggested drink menu. We wish you safe travels on this journey and good luck in pulling yourselves up from rock bottom.

See ya next crawl!

The Rock Bottom Tour Drink List

Arturo's: Peroni or a Champagne Martini
Sapporo: Saporro or a Sake Bomb (if they let you) or a Mai Tai
Mandarin: Share a Scorpion Bowl
Tavolino: Sangria or a Sicillian Lemonade
Ted's Montana Grill: Killians or a Montana Margarita
Westborough House of Pizza: Split pitchers of Bud Light or Blue Moon
Westborough Package Store: A Nip of your choice
Ye Olde Central House: Schme and T or the coldest beer in town

Sexy Burger Season 2: There Will Be Beef

2010-09-29T18:08:00.006-04:00

This season on Sexy Burger...

SOMEONE...WILL...DIE!!! (Well no person will but certainly hundreds, or even dozens, of tasty animals will)

It has been a looooong summer break (I can't believe my last post was in early July). But along with all your favorite shows, we're back to fill your hearts and minds as we all take the increasingly depressing plunge into winter.

Some of you may be asking, "where the hell have you and the rest of the crew been X Mark?"

Well, because I have been such a dick about not posting anything over the summer, I will fill you all in.

Traveling: As people are wont to do during the summer, the crew spent a lot of time on the road. We visited Mexico, China, Norway, England, Ireland, Japan, Italy, Germany, France, Morocco and Canada. Granted it was all in one day at Epcot, but each country's culture, food and alcohol of choice left an indelible imprint on all of us (especially our livers).
Activities: Professor Purple spent the summer knee deep in hippies, hiking the mountains of New England. Mr. Barneby Jones continued to pursue his dream of becoming the oldest inline skater to make his professional debut. The Spot melted face after face with her mind blowing vocals in her new career as solo artist, Sadie Sloe Gin. I worked on my new diet, eschewing Budweiser for the much more slimming Bud Light. The Kid spent the summer hatching a scheme that would allow her to collect on her new husband's life insurance policy without incurring too much suspicion. And the Revolutionary Man did his best Doug Christie impression, making him unavailable most nights and weekends (Actual quote from the Revolutionary Man: "I haven't been out that late in a while and I get tired early!").
New Foods: Always in search of new ideas and frontiers, the crew sampled many new foods. Most importantly, The Spot, Mr. BJ and Prof. Purple had their worlds turned upside down with their first glorious bites of Chick-Fil-A.
Injuries: The Spot fought a losing battle with her wisdom teeth, and subsequently dry socket, all summer long, making simple and fun activities like breathing mighty difficult. At the same time, I suffered from an epic case of jock itch, making standing in 95 degree weather in front of a flaming grill wholly unappealing.

So that was pretty much our summer. I think I've summed all of it up. Nothing else major to really add. Oh ya, 2 of us got married. And now that we have looked back, it is time we look to the upcoming season...

Cue Don Lafontaine...

When last we left the Sexy Burger 6, all was right in Burger Town. A sexy tribute to America had the crew at the top of their game, leaving one to only wonder just how high could this group soar?

However, just as quickly as they burst onto the scene, they vanished without a trace leaving millions to guess what had become of these burger titans...

On a very special sophomore season of Sexy Burger, we rejoin the SBS 3 months after their patriotic triumph, older, wiser and, undoubtedly, sexier. But things have changed. Things that will rock the foundation of this proud enterprise to its warm, fully red, meaty center...

Alliances will be formed...

While others will be destroyed...

One of our heroes unveils a series of anatomical changes he is experiencing at the hands of these delicious treats... (Relax Burger Minions, its just a SAUSAGE)

One crew member reveals he has been living a double life...

New challengers will emerge and ultimately be bitch-slapped back to the Stone Age...

X Mark revisits the onion. **SPOILER ALERT** It does not go well for the onion...

This man tries to wrest controlling interest of Sexy Burger away from the founders...

In a lost episode, the Sexy Burger Six brings you the burger the networks never wanted you to see. Meat. On Meat. ON MEAT!!!

And John Lithgow joins the cast of Sexy Burger for the meatiest season yet...

See ya next burger!

The Big Sexy (Our 4th of July Burger)

2010-07-13T23:15:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday America!

Some people call me an unabashed Patriot. Those people are right. I love my country warts and all. It's the greatest damn country in the world. You don't believe me? Well Burger Minions let me state my case.

WHY IS AMERICA THE BEST?

Baseball. No need to elaborate here. (Although after this horrible tribute to community heroes at the All Star Game followed by the fat black girl from Glee singing Beautiful, I should probably knock my favorite sport down a few pegs)

Super Target and Super Walmart. Have you ever been to either of these places? You can literally get anything there, including...

Beer. Yes some other countries make beer and drink a lot of it. But none of them have Budweiser. That is ours and ours alone.

New Orleans. I have never actually been there but I watched season 1 of Treme and it seems like a damn fun city where you can get a lot of beer RIGHT ON THE STREET!!!

Google Chrome. This new challenger to Firefox and Internet Explorer has an "Incognito Window" that hides your history which allows you to hide from your loved ones all of your...

Porn. When the chips are down, the whole world is against you and nothing is going your way, you can always turn to the internet and find a half hour video that is sure to brighten your day. In other countries you could lose an appendage for watching porn. In America our porn stars run for office and write best selling books.

Soccer. In America I only have to listen to the "die hards" talk about it once every 4 years. I can live with that.

Movies. Where else does this man get to have a love scene with this woman?

South Park. If for no other reason than the greatest song ever (from which I'm sorta stealing their gimmick, so sue me Matt and Trey).

This guy. "It's a double rainbow all the way!"

Arrested Development. What show could better capture all that is great and terrible about this country.

Michael: They've got a picture of you with Sadam Houssein!

George: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi. I told him how much I love his work.

Mustaches. Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are probably our greatest American heroes and they both had mustaches you could build a roller coaster on.

The 80's. Were there other countries in the 80s? Sure. Did they have the decade that America had? Not even close. Starting with our upset of the Commies in the 1980 Olympics America absolutely dominated this decade. Corey and Corey. Tiffany and Debbie. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo. Rocky Balboa ending the Cold War. David Hasselhoff taking down the Berlin Wall. The 1986 Celtics. And oh by the way the decade in which every member of Sexy Burger was born. Ya. I'd call that utter dominance by this great nation.

Mel Gibson. Just kidding. You can have him back Australia.

Obesity. Not kidding. Yes. We are a fat ass country and I fully support that. I heard an interesting stat today that in 1991 the highest percentage of obesity in any state was around 15%. In 2010 the LOWEST percentage of obesity in any state was about 19%. But without all these big beautiful people would there really be a market for Sexy Burger? Probably. But only because we are so awesome that we could sell one of our burgers to Pam Anderson. Fat people are people too and since most of them are concentrated in our great country we all need to embrace our big sexy brethren. Because it's not their fault really. For blame, we look to...

McDonalds. The last thing I will mention that makes America so great and the inspiration for our 4th of July Burger. While not the first fast food burger joint (that distinction goes to White Castle), McDonalds truly perfected quick beef on the go. It is one of the most well known brands in the entire world and has served billions of people. They are a huge inspiration to Sexy Burger even though we look to far surpass their burger quality. And to show just how much we appreciate these Burger Pioneers, we bring you...

The Big Sexy.

Components:

Two all beef patties: We purchased top notch lean chuck from the Dennis Public Market on Cape Cod and seasoned them up with some great steak seasoning. This was our first double burger and, for most people who do not have a freak jaw like myself, proved a little difficult to eat. But for my fellow freaks this was a meat delight.
Special sauce: This was not our usual special sauce. Nor was it McDonalds' special sauce (can you still call it that when the whole world knows it's just Thousand Island dressing?). But it was still delicious. Being on the Cape we did not have our usual plethora of ingredients to craft our sauce. Professor Purple raised her game and saved the day with this flavorful creation.
Lettuce: Fresh lettuce. Not the diced almost clear lettuce McDonalds uses that gives me instashits.
Cheese: New York Cheddar is always better than American cheese food. Just because you stick "American" in front of a product doesn't make it good.
Pickles: Big big ups to Nora "Pickle Queen" Colonero. With her HOMEMADE spicy garlic pickles, the Pickle Queen took the Big Sexy from cute burger cover to American classic.
Onions: Still don't like these. But at least we Sexied them up by sauteing them in a pan.
On a sesame seed bun: Did not break with tradition here. But for our middle bread we toasted some white bread that added a nice crunch to the mix.

God Bless America! Cheesus Bless Sexy Burger!

Quick anecdote: The night of the 4th, the Sexy Burger 6 were on a Cape Cod beach. As the sun went down we saw about 30 different fireworks shows stretched all across the Cape. As our burger clogged hearts filled with excitement, we decided we needed to seize the moment. When the last firework popped, 5 of us came together and began belting the National Anthem. By the time we reached the dawn's early lights, half the beach had joined in with our performance. Never doubt the power of Sexy Burger!

The Big Sexy could not have turned out any sexier. All 20 people who shared our meat this day, including several brand new Burger Minions, agreed this was a raging success. Planet Earth, meet your new Super Power.

America, Fuck Yeah!

See ya next burger!

Let the Battle Begin

2010-06-13T22:51:00.003-04:00

“We are in the business of kicking butt and business is very, very good.” - Charles Barkley

Old McDonald's has the Big Mac. I'd imagine those two other major burger companies have something like that too. I really don't care. Why? Because in the words of Charles Barkley, they're "terrible."

But guess what isn't terrible?

Sexy Burger. Or to be more specific, a Sexy burger that takes on the terrible Big Mac meat sandwich.

The decision has been made: we'll take this terrible burger head on - Sexy Style. We are creating our own Big Mac style burger to show these fools how it's really done.

So help us out with the name by voting in our poll over on the right! If you have any other name suggestions, let us know in the comments!

The Maryland Burger (Now with Sebastian Style!)

2010-06-02T22:38:00.001-04:00

"Crab cakes and football! That's what Maryland does!!!"

A great quote from a very overrated movie. And boy does it lay the tracks for Sexy Burger's fanciest burger to date.

I know what you are all thinking. And yes. A crab cake is a burger. Maybe you don't think so upon first sight. But I know in my heart of cholesterol clogged hearts that it is. Crab is meat. A crab cake has ground crab in patty form. Am I missing something here?

Now that we've gotten that outta the way, it's time to discuss the naming of this fancy feast. Before settling on "Maryland", this burger name went through several iterations:

The Omar Burger: The Wire is arguably the greatest TV drama of all time. It is an incredibly real and gritty look at the Baltimore drug scene and it's heroes and villains. The show is filled with an incredible cast of characters, but the runaway favorite of the Sexy Burger Six is the scar-faced drug dealer/informant Omar. While Omar is definitely worthy of our praise, I'm not sure his character screams "deliciousness" ("Unlike Stringer Bell" according to The Spot). Plus, Mr. Barneby Jones' cat is named after Omar and that could cause some serious confusion.

The Mexican Surprise: Any male who has visited Mexico between the ages of 18 and 24 probably knows what I'm talking about. Funny and topical, but not very appetizing.

The Lenny Bias: 24 years since his untimely death and it still hurts too much to even pay tribute. Let's move on.

The Sponge Bob Burger: Pretty good. He lives under the sea. He makes crabby patties. He is a favorite of stoners everywhere, just like we intend Sexy Burger to be someday. But I fear the heavies over at Nickelodeon will drop their notoriously iron fists directly on my beautiful head and kibosh this burger before it sees the light of day.

The Revolutionary Man: The most crab like man I have ever seen. But not quite the right name for this.

The Terp Burger: Totally unrealistic. The terrapin is the most dangerous animal in North America. Just for fun a terrapin will see a human man and jump up and literally bite his balls clean off. I've seen it. Three times. There's no chance we will ever be able to turn one into a burger. Too big a risk.

So after going through all these options, we decided to just go with Maryland. It is my alma mater and is a great state worthy of a great burger. For too long it has been associated with crack and chlamydia. Sometimes we need a reminder that Maryland does other things too. Crab cakes and football.

Components:

Ground Maryland lump crab meat: Lump. Crab. Meat. Maybe the Mexican Surprise was a better name for this burger after all. Double entendres aside, make sure you go with this exact type of crab, preferably Phillips. To get the most natural flavor out of this burger you really need top notch crab. As you'll see below, the crab is the absolute star of the burger. Think Will Smith in I Am Legend. What more do you need when you have Will Smith/crab?
Crumbled Ritz crackers: This is like Will's German Sheppard in the movie. This buttery companion provides some crunch to the patty without overwhelming the crab flavor. Crab's best friend.
Mix the crab and crackers with an egg, some mayo and mustard, and a little bit of Old Bay seasoning and fry it in some hot vegetable oil. It all may seem simple and bland, but crab tastes incredible and does not need much help. Take it from your trusted friend X Mark and avoid over seasoning your crab cakes. That's the best advice you'll receive all year.
Spicy roasted red pepper mayo: You didn't think we'd avoid condiments did you? This is a great topping for this burger because it provides a little bit of spice while still letting the crab's lumpy meat to shine through. Wait, that didn't sound right.

And finally, I am sure you are all wondering about Sebastian Style. Well my friends, not content with marking our return to new burger creation with just one burger, we included a little Caribbean twist. The Spot whipped up some mango salsa and we were instantly transported deep under the sea. And in the words of Walt Disney: "Under the sea, darling it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me."

Amen Walt.

See ya next burger!

The Meat on the Street

2010-06-01T18:40:00.007-04:00

This past Memorial Day weekend the Sexy Six & Burger Mob paid tribute to America in true sexy fashion. This weekend we celebrated baseball, beer, and yes, cased meat. One of our true unsung heroes, the sausage can be found at every ballpark, backyard, and street corner.

According to Wikipedia (which can be edited by almost any of the 6 billion idiots in the world), "a sausage is a food made from ground meat, both beef and pork. Also commonly included is ground pork fat (fatback), salt, herbs, and spices. Typically the sausage is formed in a casing traditionally made from intestine [I call this flavor], but sometimes is synthetic" ("Sausage" 1).

Wikipedia continues to describe this tasty meat treat as regional fare-with each country adding their own cultural twist. But while the French are credited with the etymological origin, the saussiche continues to be a celebrated American favorite.

So next time you are out at the club and you need a quick fix of sobriety, look for your closest meat vendor. Because what you call sausage, I call ladies of the night.

Stay tuned for more about Sexy Burger Memorial Day weekend, our Take Me out to the Ballgame burger, and insight on sausage's sister meat: the hot dog.

Sex sells. Boy is it delicious!

2010-06-01T18:11:00.002-04:00

Battle of The Burgers Round 2: Pre-Meal Jitters

2010-05-24T10:24:00.009-04:00

It happens to the best of us before that big moment. Nerves creep up and the world becomes a senseless blob of atoms and gravity that exist on two distinctly separate planes. Well, at least that's how The Spot and I feel before every big burger and something inside their bones told them that their decisions at these two restaurants were close to that scale.

To diffuse the tension at both restaurants we ordered up some appetizers and worked up a nice, solid buzz. At Luxe Burger Bar we actually rocked out two rounds of appetizers because half the party was starving while the other half had eaten not too long before.

Round 1 consisted of amazing buffalo calamari(photo courtesy of John C. on yelp. We got too carried away to remember to take pics). We would highly recommend these to anyone who goes. X-Mark was also craving some beer steamed mussels made with Sam Adams Lager that he happily faced and gave two thumbs up. It should be noted that we made it a point to go on Saturday night when their drink special was only $4 a pop. Make sure you don't miss the Luxe webpage (http://www.luxeburgerbar.com/) because it is very user friendly and contains a lot of information, including daily specials. Saturday's drink turned out to be a delicious Rhode Island Iced Tea made with Firefly Vodka which has become a crowd favorite over the past couple months. Out of fear of making the wrong decision on an extensive menu we decided to kick back, relax, suck down some cocktails and order a plate of mini wieners, something The SexyBurger girls aren't accustomed to.

At Boston Burger Company we did things a little differently. Rather than go for the ever-tempting Macaroni and Cheese Bites or experimenting with some Terodactyl Wings (a blended sauce of BBQ and Teriyaki) we opted to make two ridiculous bowls of french fries our first course. (Once again photo is not ours. Found it on google images. We need to get better about this, sorry folks).

Honestly, one bowl could have satisfied our needs but the different flavor options were just two enticing. Also, as I previously mentioned, homemade potato chips are the only option as a side with your burger at BBC and the extra fries from the appetizers helped fill this void perfectly. Don't miss out on the French Fry portion of the menu where you'll find such flavors as lemon pepper, greek, chili cheese and so much more; we went with Buffalo Cheese (marinated with Buffalo sauce, sprinkled with mixed cheese, with a side of blue cheese for dipping) and the Garlic Parm (pretty much exactly what it sounds like). The fries were potato wedge style with which I personally have a love/hate relationship. The very sight of a potato wedge peaks my interest and the first bite is always exactly what I imagine it will be like, then the 2nd and 3rd bites are just too starchy for me, and the final bite is awesome once again. It's made me think of a potential side for the SexyBurger menu which would be called "Just the Tip" where you get the full flavored skin of the french fry without the tasteless, bland middle of the wedge. The tips could be flavored exactly the same as Boston Burger Company and the middle could be thrown into the mashed potatoes that we use on the Thanksgiving Burger. On a very important side-note, there was nothing special about the drinks here. They have your standard beers and wine at decent prices ($3 Big Boy PBR Cans were nice), but why mess with a good thing by bringing in a bartender into an already "cozy" dining area.

EDGE: LUXE BURGER

Also See
Round 1: Getting Down on Our Luxe

Battle of The Burgers Round 1(of 3): Getting Down on Our Luxe

2010-05-20T17:18:00.014-04:00

With creative juices focused on our Halfway To Halloween party, the SexyBurger Six took the opportunity to enjoy some of the other burgers the Boston area has to offer. First stop was the stylish Luxe Burger Bar in Providence, followed by the all too modest Boston Burger Company in Somerville, MA. I'm going to break these two down Dr. Jack style to make the most objective decision a burger fanatic such as myself can do.

Atmosphere

This category is very near and dear to SexyBurger's heart. Besides the burgers, atmosphere is the most important thing. It is all encompassing, lasting from the initial vibes you get when you walk through the door, escalating through the meal and ending with a bittersweet feeling the experience is over when you walk out the door. Atmosphere is all about the staff, the menu, and the decor, and can only be measured by the degree of salvation that rises in your mouth when you see other tables get their food. I could probably write a whole post about these two restaurants alone but I don't want to waste your SexyTime or mine so my goal here is to give you the Sparks Notes version [it's a lot like CliffsNotes for everyone who was in school prior to the interweb].

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia

Sorry, I mean "Location, Location, Location", sometimes I mix those two up. First time visitors to Providence might have a hard time finding The Luxe Burger Bar because it's hidden next to a bridge but I think by the time that visit is through you'll actually appreciate its locale. Luxe is connected directly to a parking garage where you can get your ticket validated and pay only a little more than you would for a meter in Boston. This way you don't have to dig through your grandma's change purse to take out a loan on your birthday quarters for the next ten years. On the other side of the same bridge that hides Luxe from street view is a pleasant little bay where you can just imagine an ideal summer night hangout for the Providence Water Fire. The interior of Luxe is very swanky; the only other word I could use to describe it is sexy but I won't go that far ;) There's a nice little living room area for the inevitable line that comes at dinner and a gorgeous fully stocked bar that stretches the length of the restaurant. There are Warhol-esque portraits featuring burgers accompanied by jazzy tunes that are backed by techno beats. Their "Build Your Own Burger (BYOB)" menu is one of the best ones that I've seen. I'll touch on this more in Round 3 but it should be noted that a pad of paper and golf pencils are left on each table, a la sushi restaurants. Like I said, very swanky.

The Boston Burger Company was a very different experience. If Luxe is your rich friend with the beach house that you lobby to get invited to in summer months, then Boston Burger Company is your friend with the sweet party van that you've contemplated moving into on the occasional blurry nights. Situated in thriving Davis Square in Somerville, the Boston Burger Company has an ideal location for this type of business. We thankfully got there minutes before the dinner rush and were able to snag a table. The unlucky few who came after us formed a line that eventually left the restaurant and stretched out into Davis Square itself. The weather was crappy and rainy and cold but still they waited; that probably tells you everything you need to know right there. The atmosphere in The Boston Burger Company was very snug and cozy. I know that sounds like a nice way of saying cramped but that's honestly how I felt. I will be straight with you however, the restaurant is very small; about 10 tables, an area for the line to form, and a tight little kitchen make great use out of a prime and pricey Boston real estate location. The reason I don't say cramped is because they could have fit 12 tables in there but they didn't. Even though Luxe had a major size advantage I felt more involved with my neighbor's conversation in Luxe than I did at BBC. This can be further emphasized by the fact that Luxe had thumping electronica and BBC had some chill ass tunes from The Beatles, Wilco, etc. And finally, here's what I really loved about the Boston Burger Company: It was run by 6 people! Yes it's true! 2 Waitresses, 2 cooks, 1 hostess, and 1 foodrunner. I think I may have caught glimpse of a prep guy/dishwasher downstairs too? The point is, The SexyBurger6 could really open their own restaurant and run it without having to hire a single person! Sure it's small, but guess what? The lot next to BBC has opened up and now that they have an established clientele they can knock down the wall and expand! We wish them and their burgers the very best of luck! You are truly inspirational Boston Burger Company, God Bless You and God Bless Your Burgers!

EDGE: LUXE BURGER
The full bar really pushed Luxe ahead in the atmosphere category. It gave the people who were waiting a nice place to relax while making the restaurant feel like a real "happening" place.

Round 2: Pre-Meal Jitters

Have your cake and burger too!

2010-05-19T16:08:00.003-04:00

Check out this amazing cake Professor Purple hustled for us to serve our first annual Halfway to Halloween party

This would normally go for over $400 but when Prof. Purple threatened to flunk the baker's son she agreed to hand it over at cost. Isn't networking great? ;)

Undah the Sea!

2010-05-16T18:14:00.000-04:00

We gonna have us a little bit of crab....post to follow!

Halfway to Halloween: A Retro Diary

2010-05-13T23:00:00.005-04:00

For all you Sports Guy fans out there, allow me to borrow one of his gimmicks, the retro diary (used expertly here to depict the fall of basketball, and most likely life, in Cleveland), to recap the Sexy Burger Halfway to Halloween Extravaganza!

5:30 AM: My typical wake up when I have had too much to drink the night before, this is the time where I transition from "passing out" to "sleeping". This allows me to do two things: pee out about 120 ounces of Bud Heavy and notice that that bitch Mother Nature is not going to make this day easy on us. Thunderstormin like a mafacka.

7:00 AM: My alarm is set for 8:05, but it feels like Christmas morning to me and I am wide awake with visions of meat and beer dancing in my head. For Mr. Barneby Jones, it feels like his birthday morning.

8:05 AM: The alarm goes off so I officially leap out of bed. The Spot is not so spry. She asks: "Where the hell are you getting all this energy from?" I reply: "It's pure adrenaline baby. I'm sure it will give out around 5 and I'll pass out on the grill." Good lord it's gonna be a great day!

8:30 AM: After stepping out of the shower, I proceed to use a fist full of Axe hair gel in my hair to get it slicked back for the day. The Spot wonders why I'm doing it so early when I'm going to have to redo it again later. It's all about training your hair to have it do what you want.

9:00 AM: As she so often does, the Spot proves me wrong by waking up at 8:50 and being able to get out the door less than 10 minutes later. We are to be at the Revolutionary Man's house in 20 minutes to load up the car and head to party central.

9:20 AM: After fueling up at Dunkin (Sexy Burger Runs on Dunkin) we arrive at the Revolutionary Man's house. We all agree that we drank a little too much the night before. And on that note I offer the Revolutionary Man a beer. The Revolutionary Mom is not amused. The Spot and I grab Prof. Purple and head over to the party house to meet Dave Prout (one of the unsung heroes of the day) to set up the Tent City anchor. Still raining like a bastard.

10:00 AM: We arrive at the haunted house to be greeted by our gracious hosts: Jubilee, Elote, and Paul Walker (no, these are not Sexy Burger nicknames, these are their actual names). As we wait for DPro, Mr. BJ, and RVM, I make my first mistake of the day: cracking beer #1 at 10 AM. Somewhere X Dad is smiling and X Mom is crying.

10:20-11:00 AM: Tent city is erected (insert Bevis and Butthead laugh). There are 7 things that can be described as truly manly: building something; manning the grill; surviving a gunshot or stab wound; killing an animal; making love to a woman; scoring the winning point/run in a sport; and growing/having a beard. On this day I got to do 3 of these (that you know of).

11:01 AM: The minute tent city is erected (hehehe), that whore Mother Nature eases off. The sun pokes out a little. Well played ma'am.

11:30 AM: At this point the Sexy 5 in attendance (the Kid was off doing wedding stuff) tries to plan the rest of the day. We are surprisingly calm, even notorious worriers RVM, the Spot, and Prof. Purple. For a bunch of drunks with busy lives outside of Sexy Burger, we really got our shit together this week with meetings and pre-party preparation. The day went mostly without a hitch and I have to give our group a big Sexy pat on the rear end.

12:00 PM: DPro returns with about 15 chairs, pretty much the only thing we hadn't planned ahead for well enough. I am convinced that man would have detached his left arm for me if he overheard me saying I needed an extra hand on the grill. AND he provided us with a great quote: "Jesus, I can't believe you guys haven't offered me a beer yet!" You raised your father well Angela.

2:00: After running some errands, hanging some lights in the tents (now needed again because Mother Nature decided to f with us some more), and cutting the cheese (litterally, not figuratively), the Spot and Prof. Purple leave the haunted house to go get ready. The first guests show up. Semi-unfortunately they are guests of the hosts and are a)not in costume and b)vegetarians. The old X Mark would have said something completely inappropriate and probably ruined the party. The new wiser, beardier X Mark took it in stride.

2:30: There is really nothing like the first handful of ground meat on a day when you are about to make 72 patties. We bought 28 pounds of ground meet in all (half pork and half beef). I cooked 15 Mafioso patties the night before and the other 23 pounds on this glorious day.

2:34: With about 5 Peter Brady patties formed, I meet a very interesting man named Adam. Wearing a leather jacket in a rain storm and toting a pool toy that lights up the ceiling like a disco ball, Adam proceeds to tell me a tale that I hope upon hopes is true. You see my little Burger Minions, Adam is childhood friends and band mate of Brett Michaels. X Mark usually hates reality TV, especially CelebReality TV, but he loves him some Rock of Love, so this development is quite interesting. Adam says that Brett would love something like Sexy Burger and thinks he would be a perfect fit. Even going so far as to say maybe Brett would bring it up to the Donald himself. Being a realistic person, I merely find this pretty cool. And even though I should be very excited that this sexual icon could potentially take our little venture to the next level, my honest-to-God first instinct is "That m'fer Donald Trump better not steal Sexy Burger and claim it as his own!"

2:52: 20 Burgers down. 52 to go. What did I get myself into?

3:14: Cheesus Christ rises from the dead. Brings with him the sun. F you Mother Nature. All we needed was Christ on our side.

3:37: The Spot and Prof. Purple return. The Spot is in full costume as the her own crazier Mad Hatter (if that is possible) tea cup and all. She will later proclaim this allowed her to slow down her drinking. Ha! Prof. Purple is strangely covered up, hiding her costume because she says she looks too slutty without her tiny white apron, still in RVM's possession. Prof. Purple, this is Sexy Burger. Sluttiness is encouraged and borderline mandatory!

3:42: I realize I may be drinking too much too soon. Better switch to light beer.

4:10: The Nightman Cometh! I finally take a break from patty making with about 20 more South of the Border patties to form. The Spot applies my eye make up (which she enjoys way too much) while the Kid assembles her costume (which is 100% homemade by her and the Spot) in one of the bedrooms. Is it too late to switch her nickname to the Logo? Do you think Jerry West would be pissed?

4:30: The first of our guests arrive! I was really planning on giving a shout out to the first arrival, but I think that switch to light beer came a little too late in the day so some of the details for the rest of the day are a little fuzzy. So Guest #1 I apologize for the lack of recognition, but thank you for being fashionably on time.

4:45-9:30: I fire up the grill at 4:45. I power it down at 9:30. Four hours and 45 minutes is a long time to be on the grill, even for X Mark. I'm sucking down more smoke than the Marlboro Man. I'm handling more meat than an 11 year old Thai ladyboy. I'm sure a lot of wonderful and hilarious things are happening in this time period but my entire focus is meat. I see flashes of costumes out of my sexy black eyes. Anime characters here. Condiments there. My arch nemesis lurking near my woman. My other arch nemesis clinging to his sugar daddy. Refugees from Arizona. The Spot and Mr. BJ are working the party like Frank and Deano. Professor Purple, RVM, and the Kid are running around as my little elves. Costumed freaks are laughing and drinking and eating their faces off. This is why we started Sexy Burger.

9:45: The chef finally eats.

9:52: RVM (dressed as Dayman) barely lets me finish my last delicious bite of the Mafioso before we battle to the death.

10:30: Through the night we have each pinned a contestant for Best Costume and Best Burger Related Costume. The finalists: Emily Hendricks as Suki the Slayer...Julianna Hendricks as Lady Luck/Poison Ivy...Sam Hendricks as some Lord of the Rings loser (christ, talk about nepotism, the Spot did only have one vote though)...#1 fan Barbara Meehan as our #1 Fan... Angela Prout as the Hamburgler...Rachel Sutherland and Holly Atchue as Sexy Burger Waitresses.

10:32: The winners? For Best Burger Related Costume it is Barbara Meehan, winner of a Sexy Burger trucker hat. For Best Costume it is Jive Prout as the Hamburgler, winner of the one and only Big City Slider maker.

10:45-2:00 AM: The rest of the night is fairly uneventful. Some quick highlights: Tent city almost blowing away (I shoulda known Mother Nature wasn't done with us)...The Cake...The drunken singalong started by Sam and Jon "Worst Costume Ever" Hendricks...The drunken singalong grinding to a screeching halt at the hands of Brendan "Thanks to Jon Hendricks I Didn't Win for Worst Costume" McCabe...Singing the Dayman song around the fire.

2:15 AM: X Mark and the Spot retire for the evening. Tired. Drunk. Happy as two burgers covered with cheese and my homemade applesauce. What a motherfuckin success.

For all you Burger Minions who missed the event of the season, stay tuned because we will definitely be doing something like this again (cough June 12 cough cough). Hopefully Halfway to Halloween becomes our signature annual event.

A massive massive massive massive thanks to Jubilee, Elote, and Paul Walker for opening their doors to this debacle; Dave Prout for making our Tent City dream a reality; our loyal friends/fans for shelling out $10 for food (which I know is a lot for a burger but I hope it was worth it) and showing up in some truly great costumes; Mike at O'Driscoll's for giving us a great price on ground beef and pork; the Revolutionary Mom for letting us do prep work in her kitchen the night before; and last but not least the rest of the Sexy Burger 6 for helping me to make this party go off without a hitch and most of all for not fighting amongst ourselves even once. The burgers will truly unite us all!

Don't miss some of Mr. BJ's favorite costumes of the day!

See ya next burger party!

In Non-Burger News

2010-05-13T16:40:00.006-04:00

The Revolutionary Man defeated Gannon last night in Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess! It took a mere 56 hours.

But totally validates the name change from The Revolutionary Kid.

And somehow I still managed to score a lady as beautiful as The Kid! The princess doesn't hold a candle to her...although it would be nice to move into Hyrule Castle instead of our bungalow ;)

These Costumes Make Me Laugh!

2010-05-11T19:13:00.002-04:00

This little piggy went to HTH and cried wee wee wee wee all the way home.

Don't be fooled. Even though this Hollywood heart throb was sleeping, he was seriously jacked and could've kick all our asses. Except when the Sexy Six combine our powers - then no one can touch us.

T-shirt costumes for the win!!!

I don't think this is technically a costume....but Swid sure did surprise us with this old school jam circa 1999. You ever been to Ward Hill? That mountain is HUUUUGE yo!

Not only can the Hendricks family sing and play music but they possess a talent for putting together some KICK ASS costumes!

Fred Flinstone mustah been piisssssed that this dirty hippie stole his wife.

Hahaha, these aren't costumes, but just wicked cute dogs. They each tried to dominate each other throughout the night (dogs do this by humping each other) and were just plain buck wild. Aren't they adorable!

Paddy O'Furniture, a drunk Irish man that could handily beat you in a game of golf....and proceed to sell you a luxurious leather sofa.

Larry the Contractor. Don't let that belly fool you, he can build a mean bar, among other sweet projects.

Ahhhhhh!!! It's Jesus. What up JC.

ARRIBA!

Dayman v Nightman - the epic battle!

Be sure to check out X-Mark's Retro Diary of the Day's events

Next On the Menu...

2010-05-11T12:06:00.001-04:00

A Burger Quickie

2010-05-11T10:57:00.002-04:00

Someone get this man a Sexy Burger stat!!!

Stay Tuned.....

2010-05-10T21:57:00.001-04:00

Get ready for a week filled with Halfway to Halloween Sexyness. Trust us, it'll be good. You can take His word for it:

Jucy Lucy

2010-05-04T22:44:00.002-04:00

Curty Bram Bram sure loves him some sexy burger!

We Suck And We Owe You

2010-04-27T22:16:00.001-04:00

A huge huge huge apology to all our Burger Minions out there. We f'ed up big time. It has been far too long since our last substantial post, and unfortunately this still is not one of those.

I assure you this has not been time wasted though. For those of you attending Halfway to Halloween in 2 weeks (holy shit I can't believe it's almost upon us) you will definitely see what I mean. For those of you not attending, well I guess this is just a tiny consolation.

GIANT F'N BURGERS!!! (Hat tip to Curty Bram Bram on the link)

No. These are not exactly Sexy Burgers. Our burgers aim to harden your members as they harden your arteries. These monstrosities skip the foreplay and head straight for the left ventricle.

But the mounds of bacon, doughnut buns, fried egg toppings, and overall size of these bad boys make each and every one of them Sexy Burger approved.

I know this doesn't make up for our lack of posts lately, but stay tuned for a little field trip write-up this week, a brand new burger at last, and yet another Black River Sound show staring the Sexy Spot this Saturday at Harpers Ferry (Alliteration bitches!).

Hopefully all our Halfway to Halloween attendees are working their fingers to the bone getting their awesome costumes ready!

See ya next burger!

The Chickens Came Home to Roost

2010-04-15T14:19:00.002-04:00

"You guys want to dine and ditch?" - Joe

"Absolutely not. There is no way we could get our fat asses outta here fast enough" - Kati

Mullets. Chicken farts. 4 fully stocked bars. Cocks (roosters you pervert). Bomb ass gift store. Bread, salad, french fries, shells with red sauce and chicken. Obese people. Super obese people. Morbidly obese people. This is Wright's Chicken Farm.

But Wright's Chicken Farm wasn't always the medieval-style dining hall slop-fest that has solidified its place in Rhode Island folklore.

The story started many years ago....

Wright's Chicken Farm was founded by C. Horndish Wright in 1901. It started as a quaint farm consisting of chickens, cows and assorted crops that provided food for the local area. The farm's supply of chickens skyrocketed by the 1950s due to outrageous Rhode Island reproductive methods and chicken trees that grew - yes - chickens. There were so many chickens that they used chop chicken guts to power most of the vehicles and houses in town. The government even got involved and instituted a top-secret program called "Operation Chicken Cock" that bred humans with chickens to create "chickman" offspring in order to help eradicate the Communists during the Northern Siberian War.

As C. Horndish Wright neared death and could no longer deal with the millions of chickens that inhabited his farm, a businessman named Mr. Roger Williams (no connection to the University or Zoo) made an offer to buy the land. Wright agreed, but under one condition: Williams must name the farm in his honor.

With the deal freshly inked, Williams set forth. Using the culinary skills that he picked up during his tenure at Johnson and Wales Culinary School and his masters of business at nearby Bryant University, Williams bought 10 great danes to help herd the tens of thousands of chickens into this giant chicken silo:

From there, it was easy as cluck for this man. After downing an assortment of these guys, Williams realized he could make a chicken anus-load of money if he simply paired these deliciously roasted chickens with bread, salad, french fries and pasta with red sauce. It was a winning combination that firmly sealed Roger Williams' - and Wright's Chicken Farm - place in the Rhode Island Book of History.

Now that you are educated on some good ole fashion RI history, here is a recap of our glutenous evening:

Most of us opted to eat a light breakfast and drink water all day to expand our stomachs. When your meal is $11 a head, you want to make sure you get your money's worth and we planned on really sticking it Wright's.

The Revolutionary Man and the Kid picked up Prof. Purple and myself just around 5. Like we usually do on car trips, we gleefully sang the entire trip to help pass the time and take our minds away from our growling stomachs. 25 musically-charged minutes later we had arrived!

Wright's is only opened Thursday - Sunday, a genius business move on Williams' part because the place is always packed (a tribute to Cartmen's Cartmenland?). We took our number and warmed our stomachs up with some mixed drinks from the bar. Our wait was supposed to be 45 minutes but 20 minutes later our number was called and we were moved into one of many main dining halls.

The anticipation had us shaking, but within minutes our waitress brought rolls and salad and took our order of beers. Shortly after, the main course arrived: fries, pasta with red sauce and CHICKEN! We straight pigged out!

The rest was really a blur. Bite after bite we fell deeper into our respective trances and didn't come out until we all felt something like this:

Our trip to Wright's was incredible, though it definitely lacked a key piece of the Sexy Six (X Mark and the Spot were busy tearing NYC a new a-hole and hooking up Mr. Jeffrey Tambor of Arrested Development fame with our Sexy Business Cards). Despite having two members short of a Sex pack, we left our mark at Wright's, chicken-waddling our way out the door.

How Five Guys Did It

2010-04-09T09:28:00.002-04:00

"Sell a really good, juicy burger on a fresh bun. Make perfect French fries. Don't cut corners. That's been the business plan since Jerry Murrell and his sons opened their first burger joint in 1986. When they began selling franchises in 2002, the family had just five stores in northern Virginia. Today, there are 570 stores across the U.S. and Canada, with 2009 sales of $483 million. Overseeing the opening of about four new restaurants a week, the Murrells are proof that flipping burgers doesn't have to be a dead-end job."

XMark will most likely yell at me for this because he thinks Five Guys is a joke. The Spot might side with XMark or turn this funny looking Five Guys owner into a funny looking PhotoShop. The Revolutionary Kid might jump for joy because he thinks these burgers are fresh to the death. The Kid might pretend that she can't eat these burgers because she eats too much meat when deep down inside we all know she wants to maw down. Prof. Purple would try to figure out a way to bring us all together so we can concentrate on making dynamite burgers.

But me - Mr. Barneby Jones, Esq. Jr. - would start dreaming. Dreaming about Sexy Burger 20 years into the future. When Sexy Burger has 1000+ locations around the US and magazines are knocking at our door asking us for interviews. (Personally, I can't wait for PlayGirl to come-a-knockin' so I can cover myself in burgers and condiments and do my Sexy poses - be on the lookout for some Sexy videos in the late summer....).

They'd say 'how did you do it?!' And our simple reply would be "'Cause we're Sexy."

So enjoy this short little piece on the journey Five Guys took from a few small shops in northern Virginia to over 500+ locations in two countries. We hope that one day we'll be posting about a small burger movement that started in a ratty third floor apartment and made their way to the top of the burger chain.

How I Did It: Five Guys Burgers

The Easter Bunny Burger

2010-04-07T21:39:00.002-04:00

A bunny is a lot of things to a lot of people.

To our old German friend above, a warm, fuzzy companion. To an old hunter with a speech impediment and a duck with a speech impediment and a cat with a speech impediment and a rooster with a speech impediment, a wascally (and often wacist) foil. To a young and creepily sophisticated girl, a tardy guide to a wonder of a land. To a large simpleton with the strength of ten men, a delicate pet. To a young actor destined to fall in love with a rugged Heath Ledger, a dark fortune teller of doom. To the sexiest cartoon character of all time, a goofy and doting husband. To thousands of women everywhere, a replacement who won't talk back and always leaves them happy. To those same women and their replacements, the thing that keeps them going, and going, and going, and going... To perverts (well all men really), a collection of beautiful women with loose morals and even looser clothing. To Christian followers, a cute, furry face of their most holy holiday.

And to the Sexy Burger Six and our faithful Burger Minions, a delicious holiday feast.

That's right. We took Bugs/Roger/Peter/Thumper/Foo Foo and made a burger out of him. And he was D-E-licious.

Now even to the strongest of carnivores, the idea of this burger was a tough pill to swallow. Thanks to popular culture, we have all been led to believe that bunnies are either cute and fuzzy or sarcastic and mischievous, when in reality, they are nothing more than garden eating pests.

Luckily for us, we had 11 of our maddest Minions (Squash, X-Sister, Beav, Boo Boo, Sister Sister, Jive, Jorts, Swid Bomb and Friend, and Chili Son) along for the ride.

So if you readers are still with us and have not thrown up, cried, or tossed your laptops in disgust, we invite you to take the small pill and journey down the rabbit hole for the Easter Bunny Burger.

Components:

Rabbit patty: Here comes Peter Cottontail, hoppin down the burger trail, hippity hoppity get into my belly. This burger almost never was. Knowing we may have difficulty finding rabbit meat, let alone ground rabbit, our search started with an eye-opening journey to Providence the week before Burger Day. Deciding we could probably find the meat closer to home, we struck out about 5 times before finally finding our furry friend in frozen form at Market Basket in Ashland on Friday night. The Queen had already declared "Off with its head!" but the rest of the body was fully intact. The meat was still frozen the next day and The Revolutionary Man had to scramble to get it thawed in order to have our favorite butcher, Mike at O'Driscoll's, and Easter Savior de-bone and grind our burger centerpiece. We had no time to say hello or goodbye, but, because of Mike's yeoman's work, got the meat just in time.
Fried egg: How in the hell did eggs get paired with Rabbits for this holiday? Some Christian marketing genius must have been toking a little of the Caterpillar's pipe one day when he came up with this little gimmick. The notion of a bunny delivering eggs has become so confusing that even one of our own Sexy Burger Six (we won't name names) suggested we should have used rabbit eggs on the burger instead of chicken eggs. Alas, the fried egg was phenomenal.
Molé sauce: Molé Molé Molé Molé. For those who have never heard of Molé sauce click on the link. It is sometimes made with a chocolate base, though tastes nothing like chocolate. It actually tastes like a spicy, Mexican gravy. And you all know how I feel about gravy (Molé cubes?). Anyway, the novelty of a chocolate topping seemed like the perfect topping for our Easter burger as every year parents irresponsibly stuff their fat little children's faces with this sinful treat. Wow. I don't know where that rant came from. Sexy Burger loves and embraces every obese person in this great nation of ours, mostly because they will someday single-handedly keep our business afloat.

And that's about it. I hope you are still with us as a reader and minion. I fear that some people may find this our most offensive post (hopefully because of the content and not because of the ridiculous amount of links I inadvertently used) and burger yet, more-so than the Cheesus Christ Burger or the Devil's Threesome. But I urge you to all just relax and remember that as humans we are on the top of the food chain. With our opposable thumbs, enormous brains, and sexy bodies, we have earned the right to eat whatever we damn well please. Whether it is a cow, chicken, big cat, another human, or a rabbit, it is all fair game. And if all goes to plan, a rabbit is just the tip of the iceberg for cute and cuddly burger meat. That's right, I'm looking at you dogs. Just kidding. As far as you know.

Ain't I a stinkah?

See you next Burger!

Finding providence in Providence Part One Prelude to the Easter Bunny Burger

2010-04-02T10:40:00.010-04:00

“There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence” Mark Twain

This past weekend The SexyBurger Six got their permission slips signed and headed out on a very productive field trip. Four burgers and 15 Rhode Island Iced Teas later, The Little State That Could inched closer to the top of the mountainous list of possible homes for a SexyBurger restaurant.

One of the motivating factors for heading out to Providence was to hunt for wabbit, for this weekend’s Easter Bunny Burger. We received a great reference for Antonelli’s Poultry Co. located right in the heart of the Providence’s Little Italy on Federal Hill. It was an adorable little square right on the water with a nice big fountain in the middle and "O Sole Mio" blasting from nearby speakers. I could have sworn I was back in Italy, if not for the Jersey Shore-esque guidos walking around in white sweatsuits, slapping car bumpers and shouting Fonzi like “Heeeeey"s.

Here’s what makes Antonelli's unlike any other place The SexyBurger Six has ever been: After walking through what appears to be a normal cornerstore deli, you pass through a plastic curtain and enter a room filled with live caged chickens, pigeons, partridges, quail, geese, duck, and - the reason for the season - sweet bunnies. Adjacent to the two rows of live animals is one table that makes up the whole of the kill room. This is where your little friend is weighed, de-feathered, gutted, de-boned, and cut up exactly how you like.

Had this been 5 years ago you can bet The Revolutionary Man and The Kid would have been outside in drug rugs eating fur burgers and protesting such crude and inhumane acts. But now--time, reflection, and protein deficiency has turned us into the BurgerManiacs you know and love. In truth, what goes on inside Antonelli’s is the very essence of a culture we’d love to be a part of. It’s easy to mindlessly order a scrumptious plate filled with mass produced chicken wings from your favorite chain restaurant, but to see and understand what goes into putting that animal there gives you true perspective. Seeing the face of the animal you eat is an oft forgotten aspect of the meat devouring society that we live in. Compared to the tens of thousands of chickens that haphazardly go through a single Tyson factory on a daily basis, Antonelli’s is the SPCA. Hell, the place can even double as a neighborhood petting zoo! That's exactly what it was to the five year old little girl whining to The Kid that "the bunny scratched me"! Off with it's head!

On our way out we had the pleasure of running into Mr. Antonelli himself, whose name may, or may not, have been Chris Miller based on his business card. He gave us a lot of great advice from the vantage point of a small business owner in the food industry. He even had a close friend who had opened a ridiculously successful burger joint in Narragansett called Crazy Burger! We talked about the killing that could be made around the corner at Brown and URI (in Rhode Island everything’s around the corner). How, if we flipped affordable burgers at closing time, we would have to beat drunkards off with a stick. We consider this confirmation of the traveling burger wagon idea that is part of our initial business plan, and think it makes a lot of sense as our first business venture.

At the end of the day we didn't buy a bunny. We had to rush off to stop number 2 on this Sexy field trip, the awe inspiring Luxe Burger! Stay tuned for Providence Field Trip Part Deux!

The Dirty Burger

2010-03-31T21:43:00.001-04:00

It's time to let you all in on a dirty little secret. A truth about who I am that I have tried my hardest to hide from those closest to me.

I am part Canadian.

(What did you think I was going to drop a Ricky Martin level bombshell?)

Yes, my last name is French so you may not be all that surprised. But over the years I have done my best to distance myself from our neighbors to the north by bleeding Red, White and Blue and spewing anti-Canadian venom at whoever would listen.

This is the country that gave us Nickleback, Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. Shoved hockey down our throats. Harbored draft dodgers. Corrupted our youth. I was truly ashamed to be the descendant of such a nation.

But that shame has started to slowly recede like the hairlines of many of my good friends. As I've matured (pronounced ma-too-erd) I have found myself looking upon those floppy headed bastards as nothing more than minor annoyances. Yes Nickleback is the worst band of all time, but I don't have to listen to them. Sure hockey is about as entertaining as watching ice freeze, but it's not like I'm forced to watch it Clockwork Orange style on the reg. And yes they harbored draft dodgers, but it's a country the size of America with 1/10th the population, so they were probably just happier than a pig in shit to have new friends.

Canada is kinda like a younger brother. Super annoying, eh? Always trying to be like you (Canadian Football). Extremely uncool (again I can't stress enough how awful Nickleback is). And even though you want to beat the bejesus out of him you know you can't because you know he is defenseless (seriously how does this make you feel safe Canada?).

But as you get older, you start to appreciate the little guy. He's there when you need him (drinking age of 18). He can be kinda funny (Michael J. Fox, Jim Carey, Mike Meyers). He likes the same things you like (getting drunk as fuck; Toronto Blue Jays; Toronto Raptors). He even surprises you sometimes with a flash of brilliance (check out Canada's greatest creation, Trailer Park Boys, an incredible TV show that was really the catalyst in my coming around on these puckheads). And finally you realize that he is blood. You may not always like him, but he is a part of who you are.

So today is the day I announce to the world: I'M HERE! I'M CANADIAN! GET USED TO IT!!!

And in honor of my Canadian tipping point, Trailer Park Boys, we bring to you the Dirty Burger, based on Canada's signature dish, Poutine (Puntang) style fries (french fries and gravy to the Americans out there).

Components:

Beef burger with Montreal seasoning: Canadian culture consists of getting drunk, farting, and bad music. So it's no surprise that it is really difficult to find much spice in the great white north. That is why we look to the unwilling and exotic Canadians, the French Canadians, to spice up our lives. They speak a different language. They are interested in secession. They have museums and a crazy night life. They also have one hell of a steak seasoning.
French fries: I really wanted to make homemade fries for this one. Unfortunately, I was channeling my inner Jim Lehey and the liquor was in charge Saturday night! Homemade fries are apparently an 8 hour process. Ore Ida fries take 17 minutes. Someday when Sexy Burger goes incorporated homemade fries will become a reality, but for now Ore Ida will just have to do.
Canadian cheddar and bacon: Nothing fancy here. True to Canadian form (lack of originality), these are basically just Vermont cheddar and ham. Delicious, but America discovered them first, nam sayin?.

And finally...wait for it...WAIT FOR IT...WAIT FOR IT...

GRAVY CUBES!!!!!!!!!: A special shout out to my cousin, and roommate and fellow Canadian descendant, for the discovery of gravy cubes. Gravy cubes have opened a whole new universe for Sexy Burger. Let me explain: Gravy cubes are frozen cubes of gravy, which allows us to put frozen liquid in the middle of burger patties so that after the burgers cook and you take a giant bite you get a nice, tasty, vicious and viscous surprise. This opens the door to all kinds of burger possibilities. Ranch cubes. Marsala cubes. Ketchup cubes. Hot sauce cubes. My brain and taste buds are bursting. And, since my blood is about 25% gravy anyway, it is fitting that this ingredient graces this burger of my ancestors.

This was the hardest post I have had to write. It's taken me 3 full days to put pen to paper (or whatever it is writers do now that we have computers). I have received a lot of annoyed glances from the lovely Spot. But deep down she knows this was not easy for me, and she was my rock as I made this leap. I made a big step forward today in coming to grips with who I am. Maybe I should have admitted this years ago, but as Ricky Martin can attest, coming out takes time.

So I leave you all with two pieces of advice: Be honest about who you are and watch Trailer Park Boys. Take my advice on this and your lives will change forever.

See you next Burger eh? KnowwhaImsayinnnnnnnn?

"I swear this has never happened to me before"

2010-03-23T20:37:00.001-04:00

A phrase that men know all too well. The older we get the more prevalent it becomes. The more we try, the harder it gets. Or doesn't. Time and time again, we just cannot seem to control our meat.

This Sunday it struck a little too close to home. "I swear this has never happened to me before."

With business discussions on the agenda and a potential slew of guests (although it turned out Sister Sister and Jill "I need a nickname please help" Nanof had to bail on us; not a good way to leave a second impression guys), the Sexy Burger Six decided to repeat an old favorite, the Peter Brady Burger. A delicious marinated pork burger, topped with X-Mom's famous applesauce, apple smoked cheddar, served on our favorite potato buns. What could go wrong?

"I swear this has never happened to me before."

Let's look at some possible causes before we get to the actual disaster:

I was really tired: I did not get a whole lot of sleep the night before. It was the first really nice weekend of the year in New England (Halter Top weekend according to the Sports Guy), which I would usually love. Unfortunately the one downside to this is a bunch of uppity birds talking about how much they enjoy the weather at 6 in the morning. F U you winged rats.
I had a lot on my mind: The Terps had just lost a devastating March Madness game. After a furious comeback in the closing minutes, my alma matter lost on a heartbreaking 3 with no time on the clock. My mind was definitely elsewhere.
I was very nervous: On this night we had first time attendee and my former boss, CEO of Boyce Property Maintenance, Adam "Big Bossman" Boyce attending. I spent years trying to earn his respect as his employee, but tonight was my first opportunity to show him how talented I have become. It was a lot of pressure.
My meat was over-marinated: Sometimes it all comes down to imbibing a little too much liquid. The sweet nectar can be a little too delicious and a little too tempting and you just cannot control yourself. Due to my lack of discipline, I let my meat drown in the marinade. As we say in Sexy Burger world, I had whiskey meat.

Whatever the root, the result was failure. The over-marinated meat was much too heavy and was impossible to form into a firm patty. I should have known when I couldn't even get the meat to it's warm resting place that this just wasn't my night. As the patties just laid there lifeless on the grill my heart dropped. I had heard about this before. The time in a man's life when things just do not go his way. When the stars do not align and the cocks do not come home to roost. The night when a man's meat does not cooperate.

"I swear this has never happened to me before."

When I tried to flip the burgers they completely fell apart, limp as a dying flower. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! What's happening to me?!? How could this be? I have been riding such a powerfully thrusting wave of success for so long and now this. Embarrassment. Shame. Tears. Sadness. Would I ever recover? Would I ever reclaim my thrown as the meat master?

And in that moment as I stared at my wilted extension of self I was forced to make a decision: Would I let this one, tiny, rare, little incident affect the rest of my burger making life, or would I collect my manhood, flex my biggest muscle (my brain; get your minds out of the gutter), and prepare for the strongest comeback this world has seen since a former school girl declared "It's Britney, Bitch!"

Stay tuned 'til next week and you will discover what I chose.

See ya next burger.

A Non-Burger, St. Patrick's Day Quickie

2010-03-18T17:54:00.000-04:00

The video above is the fake Irish band, and subject of the movie by the same name, The Commitments, performing Wilson Pickett's "Midnight Hour."

2 things to note about this video: the awesome 90's style and the looks/voice combination of singer/actor Andrew Strong.

The man has one of my favorite male voices ever. He makes Joe Cocker sound like Carl Lewis. Unfortunately for him, he also makes Joe Cocker look like Brad Pitt.

Which brings up a philosophical question: If you had the choice to be really, really, really ridiculously good looking with a shitty voice or be dingleberry ugly with an all time great voice, what would you pick? I can tell you that I have been crazy good looking for about 9 or 10 years now with basically an average voice and it hasn't gotten me very far, so I may want to go the Andrew Strong route for a little while. What would you all choose?

The Luck O' The Irish Burger

2010-03-17T07:52:00.004-04:00

St. Patty's Day: The day when gingers are our equals (sorta...not really...ok not equals, but at least allowed out of their rooms)

St. Patty's Day: The day when heroes are born.

St. Patty's Day: The day when everyone is Irish (meaning we get blind drunk on stout beer; march in cold rainy weather; wear shamrocks and green, the traditional Irish garb; and pass out at 5 PM)

St. Patty's Day: The day when we eat delicious Irish food (salty dry meat and boiled flavorless vegetables that make you fart. But seriously, not to go all Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with Irish food? Before I got drunk on St. Patty's day, when I was 21 of course, I used to dread this holiday because X-Mom was making corned beef and boiled vegetables. X-Mom is an incredible cook. Having her cook this meal would be like the Spot singing Happy Birthday to a 1 year old. Just a waste of incredible talent.)

St. Patty's Day: The day of ultimate camaraderie (including drunken brawls because some bitch took the last green plastic hat that you had your heart set on and throwing parties at chain restaurants where you charge your friends $10 to get in the door to fund your Men's softball team instead of putting the money towards charity, or even better, beer)

Whatever your reason to celebrate this magical holiday, the central theme seems to be fun for all. For children there is a loveable mascot. For American college kids it is a chance to prove your worth to your friends. For American 20 somethings it is a chance to recapture the glory days (my old routine was a 6 pack of Smithwicks, a 6 pack of Mickey's grenades, and 6 Irish Car Bombs; this year I'll be lucky to do 3 Smithwicks, 1 Car bomb, and a long nap). For adults with Irish blood, a chance to sample their native food and thank Cheesus that their ancestors came to Ellis Island and discovered spices and refrigerators. For the Irish, they get to snicker at our weak attempts to drink as well as they do. And for the aforementioned gingers, an opportunity to be among the drunken masses and be only mildly ridiculed and feared.

For Sexy Burger, St. Patty's Day is an opportunity to put a spin on a "classic" meal (and get blind drunk). When we approach a meal, we do not look at it for its obvious flaws (really Ireland? Boiled, unseasoned vegetables? It's 2010. The British have been to China and India. The western world now have spices at our disposal), rather we look for its tremendous opportunities. The good fortune to grind a meat that has never been ground before (literally never, we had to search far and wide to find a butcher who would grind corned beef for us; on the bright side, now we have a "guy"). The chance to use soft, spreadable vegetables that can be blank flavor slates. The ability to use a hearty, flavorful beer as marinade. And the luck to use our favorite buns once again.

The Luck O' The Irish.

Components:

Ground CORNED beef: As I mentioned above, we now have a "corned beef guy." He does other stuff too, but our boy Mike at O'Driscolls really came through for this burger. Every other butcher scoffed at our request, fearful that the salt and nitrates would ruin their precious little grinders. Not Mike. He said "F U science, I will not be stopped!"
Guinness: No Irish meal is complete without Guinness, but usually its just the drink in a complete nutritious meal. We decided to put it in the meat because we're cool like that. It cut the salt a bit, but otherwise the flavor did not come through too much. But it warmed our little green hearts just knowing it was with us.
Boiled potatoes: Spreadable and mostly flavorless, this is what the Irish survived off of for 2,000 years before a lack of them nearly killed off the entire Irish population, leaving us with the roachian gingers we have today. What a strange group of people.
Boiled carrots: Since I discovered recently that I am allergic to raw apples and carrots, I haven't been able to eat carrots in a while, which is a shame because there are so few vegetables I can actually stomach. So this was a nice return to one of my favorite vegetables. The carrots remained sweet and cut the saltiness of the ground corned beef.
Boiled cabbage: Whoever the lyrical genius was that created the song "Beans, beans the musical fruit..." clearly never ate boiled cabbage. Woah nelly have I been farting up a storm since I had this burger. It tasted kinda gross and was pretty waxy, but the gas made it allllll worth it.
Potato bread buns: Ahhhh. Our favorite. Again, an homage to the Irish staple (a potato famine? Really? I just don't get it! America has been in the middle of an Eggo famine for the last 5 months and we are doin alright).

With some provolone cheese and assorted condiments, this was yet another pleasant surprise. We just keep kicking serious ass on these burgers. I challenge you all to show us a burger we cannot dominate. And I have to admit, in true Irish spirit, I was pretty drunk from the start to the finish of this burger.

So as this fantastic drunk holiday ascends upon us, I ask you to raise your green beer, put your arm around a ginger, keep the puke bucket close by, do a little jig, and scream at the top of your lungs:

SEE YA NEXT BURGER!!!

Dante's Inferno (Part 2 of 2)

2010-03-15T20:25:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the delayed Part 2 all you boys and girls in Burger Land, but it takes 5 days to properly mourn a fallen child star.

In Part 1 I took a look at the outdated 7 Deadly Sins and the way Sexy Burger practices them, embraces them, and abuses them weekly. Unfortunately, in my long-winded prose, I completely left out talking about that week's burger, the Dante's Inferno.

Inferno is the first part of Dante's Divine Comedy, an epic poem written in the 14th century. Inferno details the 9 circles of hell, which incidentally spawned the 7 Deadly Sins discussed last post. There's probably a bunch of other stuff in there, but honestly reading a long poem from the 1300s is kinda pointless. You are much better off reading a mildly humorous 21st century blog about hamburgers or a semi-complex sports blog about an over reported sports market (honestly it's not that complex and it has a lot of the same biting humor I bring to the Sexy Burger table every week; READ IT!!!).

Let's jump right into the burger, Dante's Inferno.

Components:

Burnin beef: No, this is not a nickname for a wang with the clap. This is what happens when you take ground beef and mix chopped jalapenos and jalapeno juice in before you cook it. The heat begins.
Jot jalapenos: I actually re-tried these bad boys for the first time in some time on the last Sexy field trip to New York and the love affair began instantly. Because the heat cooks down some with them infused in the burger, the bold few at this gathering put extra jalapenos on top. The fire builds.
Fiery cheese: We turned to our good friends to the North, the Cabot family, for our cheesy needs. Pepper jack and habanero cheddar lined the top of these pungent pieces of deliciousness. The embers rise.
Sizzling sauce: WARNING: DAVE'S INSANITY HOT SAUCE IS INSANELY HOT (HENCE THE NAME DUMMIES) AND FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY GOING IN AS IT DOES COMING OUT!!! NOT FOR THE FAINT OF ASS!!! The smoke billows.
Blazin Buffalo Chicken Dip: One of our first timers (more on her and the others in a minute) graced us with this key ingredient straight from the depths of hell. Without it we would have been left with our pants down holding our ankles waiting for the Devil to punish us. The flames engulf!

It was truly hell on earth. The Anti-Christ on a burger. Cheesus would not be proud, but sometimes to be Sexy you have to be a little evil.

Joining us in our sinful adventure were five of our favorite Burger Minions, all of which made massive contributions. Frequent Sexy Burger visitors The Todd Smith and Squash cleaned the entire X-Cave before and after Burger time. First-timer Jill "Help I Need A Nickname" Nanof created the afformentiond Buffalo Chicken dip and took home March's Rookie Of the Month Award. And new Sexy Burger Neighbors Chrissy and Laura, A/K/A Sister Sister, brought along the sweetest chocolate ballls anyone not named Kardashian will ever taste. We thank all of them for making this a wonderfully hellacious night.

Stay tuned for our drunken wobble to Ireland this Wednesday as Sexy Burger does St. Patty's Day the only way we know how: lots of booze and delicious meat.

See ya next burger.

The Fur Burger

2010-03-15T12:00:00.000-04:00

I have been struggling with this post about the Fur Burger for a while. What I thought would be one of my favorite burgers thus far, turned out to be a dull, mushy, disappointment. Considering that I am one of the founding members of the SexyBurger Six, some of you might be surprised to learn that I--the Kid--was a vegetarian for about 15 years. Yep, 15 years. And although I now consider myself a proud meat-flag waving carnivore, I still enjoy the occasional veggie burger, or tofu pad thai.

Unfortunately, "enjoy" is not really the verb to best describe what I experienced with our home-made black bean burger. The Revolutionary Man and I loosely followed a recipe from my mother's Good Housekeeping magazine and damn did it look tasty! But we got cocky, and chose not to take Professor Purple's advice to make the patties and freeze them the night before we were going to eat them. We made them on the day of consumption. BIG MISTAKE. We should have known this was a mistake from the get-go, but plowed ahead anyways.

Out of the SexyBurger Six, I am probably the pickiest eater, hence my nickname "The Kid". I eat like a bratty five year old boy, and my diet usually consists of chicken fingers, grilled cheese sandwiches, VERY well done burgers (without sketchy grown up cheeses like gorgonzola, and with lots of condiments, mainly ketchup).

While these fur burgers were edible with copious amounts of salsa and hot sauce, the consistency of these mush patties left much to be desired. What we were chewing felt absolutely nothing like meat. So, given this lack of animal flesh, to me, the one saving grace for this burger was the fact that X-Mark actually ate it. And he didn't think it was all that bad. That really made my day, considering that out of all of us, Mark is the one that is happiest when he is elbow deep in a bowl of raw ground meat. He actually ate our non-meat creation, and unlike a kid, didn't spit it out into napkin, feed it to the dog, or just push it around on his plate. I'm proud of you buddy!

So what have I learned from this experience? Next time around, Professor Purple will be in charge of making the meatless discs using her recipe, and perhaps we will have a backup batch of beef patties in the fridge. See ya next burger--and don't worry, we won't let this disappointment slow the momentum of the Burger Movement!

What is SexyBurger?

2010-03-11T21:33:00.016-05:00

It is a Blog…

Each week, six friends who call themselves The SexyBurger Six get together to make one ridiculous burger, and then blog about the experience. I know, that sounds a lot like the promo to Julie & Julia, but think of us as Julia Childs in thigh high boots, crotch-less panties, and Hello Kitty Nipple Tassels. Each burger we make comes from a master list of 50+ burgers that we created on a whim. Some were inspired by a single ingredient, others by a certain culture (pop, sub or other), and the rest came from rationally consolidating our favorite meals into a single SexyBurger.

It is far more than a Blog…

Web-logs are so 2004. Luckily, our vision stretches far beyond the limits of any one venue. For now, our website is a blog; but soon, the blog will just be one small part of a one-stop shop for all your SexyBurger needs. Our vision is one of collaboration and creation. It’s one of friends, family and strangers gathering and letting loose. It’s an open-source burger network and we’re going to take advantage of everything at our disposal in order for this dream to come to fruition. If Facebook and Twitter are the day’s fad then we’ll be there. If paddy-caking on rooftops becomes the new craze we’ll be there slapping your hand. We have T-shirts, bumper stickers , coffee mugs , and a whole lot more. We'll whip out a business card if we accidentally touch your bum on the street. We have video footage (ok same video as before, but we like it so much we didn't want you to miss it!) and photo albums. There are scripts for sketches, plans for calendars, recipe books, trading cards, jingles and the list goes on and on. At the very heart of SexyBurger is a guerrilla marketing campaign and The SexyBurger Six will never stop until our SexyBurger logo is more recognizable than Santa Claus, Ronald McDonald, and Mickey Mouse combined.

The Future of Sexyburger

Do we want to be a restaurant? You better believe it. Do we have the means to do so right now? Hell no. Our belief is that our success depends on all of you. If we cook a burger that you like, we hope that you, The Burger Mob, will cook your own version with as many tweaks and substitutions that make sense to your taste buds. If a restaurant ever happens, one thing that we all agree on is that, in addition to our own creations, all of our ingredients will be available in a fully customizable and affordable “build your own burger” section. Finally, we encourage you to experience SexyBurger with people you like…or sometimes even love. Half the fun of SexyBurger is the journey, and travelling alone is just so boring. Once this network has been established, we believe that anything is possible. When opportunity knocks, we will be there in our skivvies ready to open the door. We have the knowledge, the plans, and the skills at our disposal for when that time comes. Until then, we’ll invite you over, cook our burgers for you, and cater your parties. We’ll wash your car, and walk your dog. And if you get sick of us? We’ll still be in the kitchen every Sunday making one ridiculous burger. We aren’t going anywhere, Burger Mob, and we’d like to invite you along for one Sexy ride!

Corey Haim 1971-2010

2010-03-10T17:53:00.002-05:00

Sad news in Burgerville today. Corey Haim, one of the finest film stars of all time and part of the unstoppable duo "Corey and Corey", has passed away.

As children of the 80's, this one hit us all pretty hard (although not really the Spot, she kinda hates the 80's; I know, I know, blasphemous, but please don't stone her to death she's too cute and too good a singer). Not only did one of our idols fall, but it also called into question our own mortality. For we, like Corey Haim, perform God-like work and sometimes when you experience such success, you feel untouchable. Well today, I hate to say my Burger Minions and fellow 80's kids, Corey Haim was touched. By the Reaper.

Knowing full well that the preeminent 80's child happened to also be one of the Sexy Burger Six, I asked Professor Purple to say a few words on her hero's demise. This is what she e-mailed back:

"No words can express the trauma that I am experiencing due to the loss of my great 80s idol. I can remember distinctly falling in love with him when I first saw my now favorite film, "Dream Alittle Dream". He was so adorable with his striped cane...I wanted to get run over by a car too.www.prettyboring.com/?q=node/4755

Or was it his "License to Drive" that made my heart pound with excitement?
www.aveleyman.com/FilmCredit.aspx?FilmID=11084

No I think when I realized his sexy, gothic bod in "Lost Boys", that's when I decided that there was no other man for me...
http://www.beyondhollywood.com/stillsx/2007/08/the-lost-boys-cover.jpg

Mark, I will let you write on the blog because I just can't face the facts... I will leave you with a special connection to my childhood.

My good friend growing up, Jake Perry, also shared my love (actually he was wayyy more invested) of Corey and Corey. He had the amazing chance to meet him when he was able to be a guest on "the Two Coreys".

http://www.aetv.com/the-two-coreys/episodes/index.jsp?bcpid=32551354001&bctid=1731287468"

So few of us could be as lucky as Jake Perry to have spent time with this cinematic genius. Our thoughts go out to everyone who was touched by Corey.

And finally, massive condolences to Corey Feldman. Since last summer, Corey has lost his biggest idol, Michael Jackson, and his former best friend the other Corey. This would be like the X-Mark losing Paul Pierce and Mike Russell. Just a tough tough day for Coreys everywhere.

Dante's Inferno (Part 1 of 2)

2010-03-09T20:20:00.003-05:00

As I sank into my plush blue leather couch, fresh off our spiciest burger to date, a huge grin appeared on my face. That was a wicked tasty burger and all my guests loved it. Boy was I proud. I was the king of the castle, the cock of the walk, the finest man alive. Then upon my magnificent television appeared a man many of us consider the voice of reason and even the voice of God: Morgan Freeman. I was snapped from my moment of self-appreciation and taken back to one of my favorite movies, starring the Wise Mr. Freeman and the Hunky Mr. Pitt.

The movie was Se7en. For those who have not seen it, the movie is about two detectives (Freeman and Pitt) who are trying to apprehend a serial killer who, like most serial killers, is jaded by today's human race. To show his displeasure with mankind, the killer attacks people who perfectly exemplify one of the seven deadly sins (listed in the picture above).

So as I was thinking of this terrifically thrilling movie, I got to thinking that the seven deadly sins are a little bit outdated. And, not only are they outdated, but they are actively practiced by me every time I craft and eat a Sexy Burger! The following is my sinful trip through each of our incredible morsels of heaven (or should I now say hell?).

Lust: Since women do not allow us to treat them like a piece of meat, I now treat pieces of meat like women. At the start of every Sunday, I lust after the night's Sexy Burger like a nerd from a classic 80's comedy lusts after the hot chick.

Greed: As grillman and head chef I control which burger goes to each lucky customer. And while every chef wants his customers to have a great meal, I allllllways make sure I get the best. The medium rarest. The finest slice of cheese. The freshest buns. I want it. I want it ALLLLLLLLL!!!! I fear the power has gone to my head. And I like it.

Gluttony: Despite our best efforts, Sexy Burgers will never be confused with a side salad. We are children of America, where if you are not obese you are probably poor and cannot afford to be (like me). So as soon as my precious (Cheesus Christ did I just make a Lord of the Rings joke? The Spot is clearly rubbing off on me) comes off the grill, I glutton the shit out of it, from first bite to final bite.

Envy: I have a huge mouth. For some context: I wear size 14 shoes and have hands to match. I am able to fit my entire massive fist in my equally massive mouth. It's a fun party trick. Unfortunately, having this gaping hole at the bottom of my face forces me to eat much quicker than everyone else. Even though I usually serve myself last, I always finish first, and thus am constantly envious of my surrounding compatriots for still having Sexy Burger on their plates.

Anger: When we are all done and left staring at a plate of oozed condiments, a wave of wrath washes over my gluttoned body. Our Sexy Burgers have become so amazing that I sometimes hate my normal sized stomach and tiny income for restricting my consumption. Luckily for me (and unluckily for porcelain) I get to take that wrath out on the toilet. Sorry buddy, that's the way it's gotta be.

Pride: As I mentioned earlier, after I calm down and properly assess my feelings, the pride kicks in. I am a very modest man, but...well what my friends and I are doing is nothing short of a miracle. We are taking ourselves and our lucky Burger Minions to a place rarely visited by mere mortals. One taste of our Sexy Burgers and you will surely want to name your first born X-Mark. Or if you are really lucky, X-Mark Jr (ouch, I just got pistol whipped by the Spot).

Sloth: The best feeling of all. With a drink in my hand, a belly full of burger, the beautiful Spot to my left, and something fantastic on the tube, I can enter blissful slothiness with the best of them. If pure relaxation is bad, then I do not want to be good. And how can such an adorable animal be a messenger of Evil?

Well this post has gotten quite out of hand and I haven't even mentioned the incredible creation of this past weekend or the even better company bestowed upon us. So I am going to take a brief respite and continue this post tomorrow where I will explain one of our best burgers yet, Dante's Inferno.

See ya next post!

The King

2010-03-03T21:10:00.001-05:00

A burger dedicated to my hero, my personal Jesus, the hip shaking, leg wobbling sexy mofo, the King, Elvis motherf@cking Presley.

I am so completely enamored with Elvis that I don't even care that he went from this:

To this:

I'd hit that.

I think Elvis would be proud of the way we chose to honor him. We wanted to make a burger based on the King's favorite sandwich. Although I've heard several variations on it, the one that keeps popping up is a grilled peanut butter, banana, bacon sandwich with powdered sugar. Elvis ate this every single day. This sandwich helped Elvis reach a nice round 350 fucking pounds. Ok maybe there were some drugs involved too but that's another discussion altogether. We wanted to take it a step further. We took those ingredients and added a hamburger patty. Then the Revolutionary man had the ingenious idea to use homemade fried dough in place of hamburger buns. He figured when you think "powdered sugar" your next thought should be "fried dough". Brilliant!

Below is the Revolutionary Man cooking up the fried dough. It was surprisingly easy to make. Just take a bit of pizza dough and cook it in some oil and voila!

He told us his argyle t-shirt made him feel fancier for the occasion.

Here is the final result (recipe courtesy of The Kid's mother):

My heart hurts just looking at these beauties

The burger was exactly what I hoped it would be. A hunka hunka burnin food porn. The peanut butter held everything together perfectly. The bacon fit in quite nicely because it's, well, bacon. The sliced banana tricked us into thinking it was cheese while the fried dough cradled all the ingredients safe and sound before they entered our mouths. We've always said that ground beef goes well with everything and it this burger proves it.

Look closely, I swear I can see the King's face in the meat...

Ok so maybe it doesn't photograph so well but believe me, it was delicious. Just look at Professor Purple, she approves.

Dead or alive (good Gods I hope that man is alive) I know deep down Elvis would approve. In his fat, slobbery, drugged-out state he would take one bite, turn to us, smile, and give us one of those all-knowing nods. Then I like to imagine him sort of evaporating into a cloud of glitter. That's just my fantasy. Some of us choose to imagine something more like this:

and there is nothing wrong with that

See ya next burger!!!

The D3 Part 2

2010-02-28T20:42:00.005-05:00

"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this...and totally redeem yourself!"

"Tonight we spell redemption: R-O-N."

I had to look to the Farrelly Brothers and Will Farrell to properly express my feelings on this one.

Redemption is a funny thing. It starts with disappointment, and for a lot of people this is not something that is easy to handle. Sometimes you almost have to hit rock bottom. About 2 and a half months ago, the Sexy Burger Six found that cold, jagged bottom. Hungover, tired, and lazy, we half-assed our way through a breakfast burger loaded with potential and were smacked in this face with a hard dose of reality: you can't be in the burger game unless you are going to give it your all each and every time out.

Well, I am happy to inform you my Burger Minions, tonight was different. The SBS experienced the back end of sweet sweet redemption. You see for every valley there is a peak and we peaked all over the place tonight. We totally redeemed ourselves.

With the Revolutionary Man and the Kid tasting inferior food in Disney World for the weekend, the remaining four of us set out on a reclamation project this evening. Without the aid of a giant bus and d-bag host, the crew put together our own Extreme Home Makeover: Sexy Burger edition. Fresh sausage. Home made french toast. Aunt Jemima waffles. Fried eggs. Muenster cheese. Syrup. Powdered sugar. At the risk of using too many redemption metaphors I have to say that this was the Breakfast Phoenix rising from the frozen food ashes.

Components:

Sausage patties: This was the key to the previous failure. We used frozen sausage patties. They were tiny shit discs. This time we bought a roll of uncooked Jimmy Dean sausage. Sliced those sumbitches up myself and threw them on the grill. Made my apartment smell like a sweet greasy diner. They were juicy, tasty, and cooked to perfection. Don't ever use frozen meat. Please. For me.
Aunt Jemima waffles: With the Eggo shortage in full effect still, we turned to everyone's favorite Aunt (wife of Uncle Jemima). I know what you are thinking: if you are railing against the use of frozen ingredients in your burgers then why would you use frozen waffles? Well my answer is simply that they are delicious and they work perfectly with this burger. I used 2 for my outer buns. The Spot used one as her middle bun. I guess opposites really do attract.
Home made french toast: Another one of our previous f ups. Mr. Barneby Jones took the rains on this with the aid of his mother's recipe. We used Pepperidge Farm Cinnamon Swirl bread, dipped it in a combination of milk, eggs, vanilla, cinnamon, and nutmeg, and tossed it in a fry pan. Some used these as the buns, some as the center piece. This was my favorite part of the burger. Cinnamony bliss.
Syrup: Every good burger needs an even better condiment. This is the king of all breakfast condiments and it ruled over this burger like noone since King Henry the 8th (I don't really know my monarchies. Was Henry the 8th any good?)

Now, for $2.00 extra, turn your Devil's Threesome into a Breakfast Orgy! Add a fried egg, bacon, cheese, and powder sugar and turn this intimate gathering into a wild, memorable party. I went the conservative route, probably because of my upbringing. But the Spot, Professor Purple, and Mr. Barneby Jones went the extra mile and all came out of the experience with massive, satisfied smiles on their faces.

Things looked grim after the original D3. And while we have had other major successes since then, this one hung over our head like a dark cloud. So when first bite happened tonight we were understandably elated. Redemption was upon us.

Now if only I could say the same for my beloved Celtics.

Anyway, see you next burger!

Meat Heroes

2010-02-28T16:53:00.002-05:00

$200 for burgers!?!? No sir

2010-02-23T20:13:00.000-05:00

This week the world (or probably about 50 richies) ascend on Miami for the Amstel Light Burger Bash hosted by Rachael Ray. General admission is $200! There are 28 burger stations and some pretty sweet looking restaurants participating, but $200? I will make this vow to you Burger Minions: You will never find a $200 burger at Sexy Burger. Unless Rachael Ray is the actual burger.

A Non-Burger Quickie

2010-02-19T00:18:00.000-05:00

Holy shit Stevie Ray is good. And holy shit did he die too young.

I'm wondering whether it's a good idea for The Spot to get into this industry. All the greats die young. And she is one of the greats. I don't know if I want to be widowed in my early 30's. Although I do look great in black.

One last parting thought: Is it inappropriate for a mid-20's white guy with supportive parents, a great girlfriend, a burgeoning career as a writer and burger maven and a full time job to love the blues so much?

A Burger Quickie

2010-02-18T23:15:00.003-05:00

Since Sexy Burger is not an official restaurant yet, our Burger Minions may have to look elsewhere for delicious meats. Here is a Sexy Burger approved article from the Boston Herald two weeks ago on 8 burger recommendations in Boston. Enjoy.

Cheesus Christ Burger

2010-02-16T20:30:00.004-05:00

(Image courtesy of the Spot)

Religion is a touchy subject. Wars are waged over it. Marriages are forbode and arranged in the name of it. Laws are forged on the premise of it.

Personally, I look elsewhere for my answers. I believe in myself and my burgers. And the Spot. And the Red Sox.

Normally the Sexy Burger Six avoids such testy fare. We tend to steer towards beer drinking dogs, Grecian heart throbs, and inappropriate trysts...

But tonight. Tonight was unavoidable. Tonight our own Professor Purple experienced divine intervention.

A little background on the good Professor: Professor Purple loves cheese the way most of us love oxygen. It speaks to her. She slips into a hot bath of it with a fine Chardonnay to get away from it all. She takes long Sunday drives with it throughout the New England country side with it because cheese is the only one who truly understands her. The woman is a cheese fanatic.

So when the crew decided to do a double grilled cheese burger (originally entitled the Cheeeeeeese Burger), naturally, the Professor's interest was piqued. In the final minutes leading up to the consumption of this gluttonous creation her anticipation was, fittingly, that of a 5 year old on the eve of Christ's birthday. Finally, when her two grilled cheeses were removed from the pan and the burger snatched from the grill, it was time for first bite. Time for Prof. Purple to meet her maker.

"Cheesus Christ Almighty!!!"

A burger messiah was born.

Components:

Burger patty: Jesus was a simple man. To wit: In the closing scenes of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Indy and the hot Nazi girl are forced to find the Holy Grail, Jesus' pimp chalice. Like the stupid demon she is, Nazi girl chooses the shiniest and most be-jeweled cup on the cobwebbed shelf. Equally evil, egomaniac Nazi guy snatches the cup from her and he drinks. Boom. Death by Jesus. Indy's turn. Our fedora'd hero peruses the merchandise, until settling on the dirtiest, most unassuming piece. The cup looked more worthy to be your roommate's dip cup than to be the receptacle where Jesus stored his final drink. Indy sipped. Eternal life. He gave it to James Bond. Eternal life. The cup was simple and did what it was supposed to do. It was good enough for Jesus. This is why we used plain old ground beef, the Holy Grail of ground meat.
Grilled cheese buns: That's right. Grilled cheese buns. This is Jesus' turning water into wine moment. We took a really good grilled cheese sandwich (water) and through our heavenly touch, doubled it and turned it into the best buns ever (wine). Jesus may be a little peeved at our decadence with these grilled cheeses (we used tomatoes and 4 different types of cheese on each sandwich for 8 total slices), but at the end of the day I don't think he could argue with our methods.
Baked brie: If double 4 cheese grilled cheeses weren't crazy enough, we used baked brie as the lone burger condiment, and in the process essentially walked on water.

I hope this article did not offend anyone, but honestly when you delve into this subject matter you walk a thin line. I can truly say that this burger was a total tribute to J.C. and you cannot fault Professor Purple for her religious experience. The Lord acts in mysterious ways and I don't think any of us anticipated him to speak to us through a burger, especially a relatively simple one such as this. But this is what separates most of us from Indiana Jones and Jesus. A lot of us get lost chasing flash and bling, but sometimes when hunger strikes, the best cure is a twist on a simple, old standby.

Amen.

See you next burger

A Math Equation

2010-02-15T18:53:00.006-05:00

CCA = [(b( c + c ) + b( c + c )] + B

+ [(b( c + c ) + b( c + c )]

Where as,

CCA = Cheesus Christ Almighty
b = bread
c = cheese
B = burger

Sexy Burger Takes Manhattan

2010-02-10T20:44:00.018-05:00

Once Upon A Time, the Sexy Burger crew packed up their condom(ent)s and underoos and drove out to New York City! As a group that leans towards meats rather than fruits, the Big Apple sounded like a very scary place. The journey however, was a necessary one because The Spot had a gig booked with her band, the modern day Partridge Family known as Black River Sound. Fortunately, The Sexy Burger Six has a regular Burger Mob (BM) that follows The Burger Movement (The BM), and we sought out the hospitality of two hipsters in Brooklyn willing to take us in. Of course we didn't call them hipsters to their face because that is the most offensive term you can call a hipster! We would just say things like, "your aviator cap with rainbow flaps is so unique" or "it's so nice to see that 80's fashion is still alive and well!". Their names were P. Mombi and Leibovitz, and they welcomed us with cupcakes, local brews, and faerie tales. We found bovine inspiration in another blogger's quest to find the greatest burger in the Empire State, only to be derailed by brisk weather and overzealous day drinking, a favorite past time of the Sexy Burger Six.

Thanks to the advice of our hostesses we found "Paul's Da Burger Joint" close to the venue where The Spot's show was going to be. We chose this restaurant not only because of its location and references but because of the variety of toppings on the menu. I, The Revolutionary Man, was fully prepared to play 7 minutes in Heaven with the sexiest burger on the menu, but I am sad to say that I had performance anxiety. You see, the most outrageous item on the menu turned out to be the "Beef Burger Tar Tar". This consisted of raw beef covered with a raw egg. My belly full of whiskey demanded that something solid go into it, in other words, no tar tar or I would go blah blah. I don't know if such a burger would even be legal anywhere other than the city of loose morals, but I assure you, faithful Burger Mob, that I will never let you down like this again! After Leibovitz told me that NYC meat standards were different from everywhere else (not hard to believe considering their milk has a different expiration date from the rest of the state) and the waitress flat out told me "If you gotta ask you don't want it", I eventually conformed to splitting two burgers with XMark. These were the El Paso (jalapenos and cheddar) and the Chili Burger (take a guess). Each burger hit the spot in it's own unique way, and carried the diner vibe with which the restaurant was resonating.

We left Paul's that night with very happy stomachs full of the means to prevent full on blackouts for at least another hour. Black River Sound rocked our buns off and left the crowd screaming for more, especially XMark. [For those of you who are new to the blog, XMark is The Spot's #1 fan and man]

Eventually your Burger Maniacs stumbled home in the city that never sleeps. They said their final goodbyes to the remnants of Paul's so there would be room for the Super Bowl Medley the next day. They tucked their princesses into air mattresses that immediately began to deflate, and fell asleep to the soothing, yet simultaneously scary, images of Faerie Tale Theatre.

And They Lived Happily Ever After.

Things Will Never Be the Same

2010-02-10T16:14:00.003-05:00

Music Videos - 2pac - Changes @ Yahoo! Video

(It was a three horse race for the "Change" song to top this post: Tupac, Bowie, and Sam Cooke. With all due respect to the old guys I decided to go slightly more current, although it's pretty funny how dated this song has become: "Although it seems evident, we ain't ready to see a black president". Plus, I met Tupac a dozen times when I was at Maryland.)

For those of you who are reading Sexy Burger for the first time, a warm and juicy welcome. Prepare to have your lives forever altered.

For those of my faithful Burger Minions who are frequent visitors to this space, you will notice several changes 'round these here parts. In case you are too daft to notice, I will lay them out for you right here:

Colors: The sidebars are gray (the color of spoiled meat). The text is black (the color of vegetarian's hearts). The background is white (the color of mayo, my 3rd favorite condiment). The borders and title bars are blue (the color of sadness, the opposite of what you feel when you eat one of our burgers). So maybe they aren't very exciting colors, but this is a work in process so for now at least it is easy on the eyes (although now I'm sure I've ruined the gray sidebars for everyone).
Links under the Logo: Don't be alarmed. These aren't advertisements (well they are, but it's all shameless self promotion). Go ahead. Click on them. You can trust X-Mark. One sends you to a page that tells you what we are all about and closes with a fantastic video from award winning Producer the Spot. The other is a link to our Facebook fan page, which launched last night (2/9/10) and as of this writing (4:00 PM on 2/10) has 131 fans!!!
New Poll: To the right of our posts you will see a whole bunch of stuff. The top thing is a poll, which at the moment asks for your opinion on where we should locate our potential restaurant. We hope to change these polls once every two weeks and we actually really value the results. It is our way of doing some initial market research. So please vote often (and when you vote for this poll, please vote for Some Place else, the bottom option. X-Mark hates New England and doesn't want to spend another GD winter here. Help me out!).
Previously on Sexy Burger...: What once was just a static, yet holy, list of the burgers we have made, is now a dynamic list of links to the original, official posts of each very special, verrrrrrry Sexy Burger. In the future, when you click on the links and go to the original posts you will also be able to find links to pictures and any associated post about that burger. Hopefully this will make it easier for our Burger Minions to find a burger they want to try, read about the experience, and make it from the Components section.
Sexy Burger Blogroll: This is a list of all the blogs us bloggers like to read. They will contain other burger blogs (the Burger Movement is a community effort, you need the masses when you are starting a revolution), but also blogs about other things that we care about (sports, rollerblading, comics, art, music, funny stuff) because we know you care what we are into. You live for it. You thrive off of it. It's also a great way to get more traffic to our website, because at the end of the day, it's all about spreading our Burger Gospel to as many willing listeners as possible.

Well that's about it for now. This is an ever evolving website, so next week it could look totally different, but there was some pretty exciting updates I was just itching to share with you all.

If you have any suggestions or comments or know any cool new features that Blogger offers, please please please share with us in the comments below, on our brand new Facebook fan page, or you can email us at thesexyburger@gmail.com.

And before I go, I want to give big ups to the other 5 of the Sexy Burger Six for their recent efforts: to Mr. Barneby Jones (formerly Mr. Lickle Tickle) for learning HTML code and being a great IT guy; to the Sexy Spot for all her picture and video work, which I think is really gonna set us apart from other websites; to Professor Purple for being a great Sous Chef, even though it is starting to get a little unfair to not just call her my Co-Chef with all she's been doing lately; to the Kid for putting together a great initial draft of our Company Description and Business Plan, I can't wait to share that with the Minions; and finally to the Revolutionary Man for being our Social Network expert and getting Facebook up and running, because as much as I sometimes hate Facebook, I think this is our shot to really grow the Sexiest following on the internet.

The Super Bowl Medley

2010-02-08T22:23:00.001-05:00

Look at that face. What an arsehole. For some reason the X-Sister thinks this arsehole is cute. I'm not into dudes or anything but I just don't get it.

But regardless of who thinks who is cute, this man is once again a loser. Which means that America's team (and thank god that moniker doesn't go to the Cowboys for now) was victorious last night, 34-17.

Since this is a crossover post, I did not follow football much this year, and I was elbow deep in ground beef for much of the first half, I will spare you all of hardcore football analysis, especially since Phil Sims did such a good job explaining things during the game (oh, wait, that's the opposite of what he did; the Spot's 4 year old nephew would have brought just as much to the table as Sims did yesterday) and instead share a few basic insights:

Thank heaven for Peyton Manning. Since last June, Kobe Bryant and Alex Rodriguez have shed their selfish loser images and gotten over the hump. It's true that Peyton accomplished this three years ago when the Colts beat the Bears, but I think it's safe to say now that that season was the exception rather than the rule. To have my three sports arch nemesises win the championship all in the same year would have made me feel like Peyton looks.
Sean Payton has some serious brass ones. Alec Baldwin would be proud. The onside kick was sexy. Very sexy indeed.
Why would any company ever buy a Super Bowl commercial? Even huge companies like Budweiser (this is the only time you will ever hear me hint at a negative thing with the King). So expensive. Best case scenario people will laugh at the commercial and remember it for a couple weeks, but usually not remember the brand. Worst case scenario it leaves no imprint and nobody talks about you at all. $3 Million down the tube. There's gotta be a better way to spend your money. Like maybe free beer for everyone!!!
The commercials themselves this year were nothing special I thought. Too much naked dude. Don't get me wrong, showing skin is one of my go to jokes, a trademark even. But it's kind of ridiculous when probably 5 different commercials are all using the exact same joke. The Betty White commercial was my favorite. That broad must have some agent. Star of a show about 4 retired old women over 20 years ago and she is still relevant. Bravo Betty.

Onto the food, this is a Burger Blog right?

Well the Super Bowl is one of our country's unofficial holidays like Arbor Day and Flag Day. If Obama was really the sports president he would do the right thing and give us Monday off, but that's another post for another blog. But like all good holidays, the Super Bowl is a great day for food. Wings. Chips. Dip. Beer. Sausages. Burgers.

Mostly it's about a big spread of wicked healthy, clean food, appetizer style. So the Sexy Burger Six decided it was best to stick to this format for Sexy Burger Sunday. We created the Super Bowl Medley (at least it will be called that until the NFL shuts us down for copyright infringement, those basterds). A collection of six delicious and adorable sliders with a Super Bowl Sunday app theme.

Sliders:

French Onion Dip and Potato Chips: Even though the French are the most Un-American things in the world and I hate onions, this was a really good burger topping. Condiment man approved.
Creamy Spinach Dip and Potato Chips: If Popeye were alive today (in 2005 his forearms burst from too much spinach and he bled out) he would be alllllll about this burger. That is if Whimpy didn't get to them first.
Salsa, Guac, Cheese, Tortilla Chips: A mini South of the Border. What more can I say?
Chili, Cheese, Tortilla Chips: This was my favorite. I love chili. If only it loved me more I would eat it every day. And if Matt Travis is reading this, GET YOUR DAD OUR INFO!!! I WANT TO DO THE OFFICIAL CHILI BURGER WITH THE OFFICIAL MASSACHUSETTS KING OF CHILI!!! Hormel is pretty good though if you would rather spend 2 minutes on your chili instead of 2 hours.
BBQ: Honey Chipotle BBQ sauce slathered all over our tiny friends. Spicy and sweet just like Jennifer Lopez, Charo, and Enrique Iglesias.
Buffalo and blue cheese dressing: The master of the Super Bowl appetizers. We were lazy enough to wait until the day of to go shopping only to find our favorite Stop and Shop all out of our favorite buffalo sauce. That's when we were saved by an old friend, my good buddy Texas Pete. If you've ever had Pete you know what I am talking about.

All in all a pretty damn good Super Bowl. As good as can be without the Pats and the Golden Boy playing. Inspiring story. Betty White. Peyton "Manning Face" Manning showing his stripes. Tiny, beefy, slices of pure burger heaven.

See you next burger!

In the Buff Burger

2010-02-04T20:20:00.004-05:00

Ah the human body...

Some would say it's God's masterpiece. Sleek and utilitarian all at once. Not a one is unique. All from the same species and yet each body is wildly different (as you may be able to tell with the examples above). Even the same body can cause different feelings in different people.

So I pose the question, what is Sexy?

To some people (men), Sexy is having a great body. It's having curves in all the right places. Firmness is a major plus. Each person has different opinions about the finer points of Sexy, but these people all have a general jumping off point.

To others (women), Sexy is confidence. It is being comfortable in your own skin. Sexy is a great personality and a sense of humor. Of course a sweet set of pecs and a square jaw don't hurt.

Well we here at Sexy Burger feel we know a thing or two about Sexy. In our opinion, we are all Sexy (except for the entire cast of Jersey Shore). We are miracle creations. We each have something unique to offer to somebody. For every Roseanne there is a Tom Arnold. There is hope for all of us to be Sexy to someone.

So for all you Sexy m'fers out there, we offer a burger that pays tribute to the Sexiest presentation of the human form:

In the Buff Burger.

Components:

Ground chicken patty: If you can't tell from the name, this is our take on buffalo chicken wings. So obviously we had to give ground chicken a try. This was the first time we ever used it and it was interesting. It must be cooked thoroughly, we don't wanna get no sasparilla or nothin (Trailer Park Boys, watch it!). With all the fixins it worked very well and I'm itchin to use it again.
Potato bread buns: Our love affair continues. I goofed a little and made the patties huge (ok I did it on purpose) so they dwarfed the buns but it was delicious either way.
Buffalo sauce: Frank's Red Hot is my friend. He has a great slogan (I put that shit on everything). And he makes a great buffalo sauce. This is not just hot sauce Burger Minions. It is thicker and creamier and way more flavorful. We loaded up the ground chicken with this gem (and used breadcrumbs to make sure the meat stayed together) and it still did not get too spicy...which sucked. So while I cooked the patties I added more sauce...which was awesome.
Blue cheese and cream cheese: We Jucy Lucy'd the shit outta these burgers. Mixing blue cheese and cream cheese, we put a big spoonful between two patties and sealed them up. Upon first bite we all were awarded with a flavorful shot of blue and cream in the mouth, coupled by an amusing flatulence sound. Fun for the tongue AND ears.
Blue cheese dressing: Some thought this was overboard. Not I. I love blue cheese. I love salad dressing (especially when there is no salad underneath). I love condiments, as you all well know. So this was just the cherry on top of a spicy sundae.

SSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXXYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

I know it's hard to feel Sexy all the time. I'm carrying a little extra holiday weight still (my holiday season runs from Halloween to Patriot's Day so I've still got time to add more pudge). But I know whenever I am feeling down about my incredible Sexiness, I can always turn towards the hottest trend sweeping the nation, Sexy Burger.

Because, as a great friend of mine, the Kid, once said, "If you are what you eat, then I am Sexy!"

Truer words were never uttered.

So whenever your love handles are getting you down, or your female mustache keeps getting in your food, or your back hair is protruding from your white t-shirt, have a Sexy Burger and recapture the Sexiness.

See you next burger!

Here is The ToddSmith's take, and the very first guest post at Sexy Burger

Behold, New Ketchup Packets!

2010-02-04T15:42:00.001-05:00

I can envision these new ketchup packets that Heinz designed pairing nicely with some of our SexyBurger to-go meals.

"The new design has a base that's more like a cup for dipping and also a tear-off end for squeezing, plus it holds three times as much ketchup than a traditional packet."

Give it a read!

After 40 years, Heinze revamps ketchup packets

Elvis, your sex is on fire...

2010-01-31T18:32:00.003-05:00

Elvis once said, "I am not trying to be sexy. It's just the way I express myself when I move around."

Thank you for expressing yourself Elvis, in body and burger.

Frozen Gravy Cubes

2010-01-30T23:31:00.001-05:00

That's all I have to say about that right now...stay tuned!

The ToddSmith: In the Buff Burger

2010-01-30T17:47:00.004-05:00

And now for a quick guest post from Sexy Burger friend The ToddSmith. The ToddSmith has been to three burger nights already and as you'll see by his post, has earned this huge honor as our first guest writer. Maybe you could be next...

Delicious Chills!

I couldn’t have been happier that this burger was, “in the buff” because it made it so much easier for it to perform intercourse on my taste buds. This monstrously, sexy burger not only dwarfs the bun it was served on but previous burger experiences as well. As someone whose love of condiments might only be paled by that of the X-Mark himself, I was surprised to find this burger was delicious without extras. The body warming buffalo sauce infused burger was delightfully complimented by a blue and cream cheese explosion stuffed inside the burger. I want to sincerely thank the creators of Sexy Burger for this masterful meat concoction for the only downside to my intimate burger experience was how quickly it left me in the morning.

-The ToddSmith

Burger Battle

2010-01-25T20:45:00.026-05:00

We in the Sexy Burger crew consider ourselves to be quite the experts when it comes to these delicious creations. It is very common for us to defend our favorite burgers in weekly after dinner debates.

The other day, X Mark and The Spot had one such debate. They decided to take it to the blog to make their points. X Mark holds a special place in his heart for the Mafioso Special (the spaghetti and meatball burger) while the Spot may have found her one true love in the Peter Brady Burger (the porkchops and applesauce burger).

Things got a little strange as each tried to convince the other exactly how much they loved the burgers. Eventually they abandoned logical thought and just went batshit crazy with examples.

Enjoy.

The Spot:
"I want to replace all of my childhood memories with this burger."

X Mark:
"I want to go to medical school and invent the surgery to turn myself into a hamburger, move to Vermont and gay marry this burger in front of my disapproving parents."

The Spot:
"I want to go back in time and kiss the pig on the mouth (we used ground pork) to let him know his death wasn't in vain."

X Mark:
"I want to plant the mafioso special in the ground and grow a burger tree so all the children can enjoy the sweet meaty fruits til the end of time, or until someone cuts it down"

The Spot:
"I want to hurl myself in front of a bus and enter into a 50 year coma so I will dream of nothing but this burger until you inevitably pull the plug."

X Mark:
"I want to cryogenically freeze this burger for 35 years so it can run for president on the platform of ending world hunger and vegetarianism."

The Spot:
"I want to form a constellation of this burger and wait til the sun burns out so the world will forever remain in darkness. Then I want to build a tiny hut on a mountain away from any light pollution where I will spend the rest of my life gazing at the great burger in the sky."

X Mark:
"I want to spend my final days alone in a dimly lit room drifting in and out of insanity as I pen my final masterpiece entitled Requiem for a Mafiosa Special."

After about an hour or so of pointless arguing, X Mark and the Spot realized there was no way they could convince the other their burger was better. Plus they were out of examples. And booze. They eventually agreed to disagree then drunkenly passed out on the kitchen floor only to wake up and forget the whole thing. Thank god for the internet to keep track of these things.

What's the point of all this you may ask? Everyone of us in the Sexy Burger 6 has our favorite burger. Mr. Lickle Tickle loved the Devil's Threesome burger while The Spot almost threw up after eating it. If each of us loved every single burger how much fun would that be?

What is your favorite burger?

Spuds Mackenzie

2010-01-25T20:01:00.006-05:00

This past weekend, Mr. Lickle Tickle and I turned 26. Closer to 30 than 20. Adults. Men. Fiscal responsibility. Old. Balls.

But we went out Friday night. Black River Sound show. Partied our sagging asses off. We pounded beers. Ripped shots. Danced to the hip hop music those kids seem to like so much nowadays. We had a great time.

And boy did we pay for it. Neither of us got out of bed until 4 PM the next day. It felt like I had pre-Subway Jared sitting on my head and 13 drunk children throwing an all night rave in my stomach. It was one of those hangovers that makes you want to quit drinking altogether. At 26, I felt like my time as a legitimate party animal was finished.

At burgers that night (In the Buff Burger stay tuned...) we were trying to come up with a name for the previous week's baked potato style burger, when from God's brain to the Revolutionary Man's lips, a burger name and an epiphany were uttered all at once:

Spuds Mackenzie: The original party animal.

Capturing potatoes with his first name, and the true essence of Sexy Burger with his attitude, Spuds Mackenzie (who is really a girl dog named Honey Tree Evil Eye, which is equally awesome) was the perfect fit for this burger.

He was also the perfect fit for my Phoenix like rise out of the partied out old man ashes. Not only was he a schill for my favorite beer brand, but he was a beacon of hope for all of us old party animals out there. No matter how tough times can be, we all must take a cue from Spuds: ignore the aches and pains of old age, always look your best, and let the good times roll.

So we salute you, Spuds Mackenzie: This burger's for you.

Components:

Bison patty: This is going to be used a lot more, especially when the option is between this badass animal and it's more docile cousin, the cow. There is a lot more flavor with this meat, it's just as cheap as beef, and, as I'm sure Spuds could attest to, has a lot more cache.
Potato bread buns: Just like the bison meat, this is going to be featured a lot more often on Sexy Burgers that call for standard buns. These golden burger tops and bottoms are a favorite of the Sexy Burger Six and have pretty much kicked standard sesame seed buns back to the dirty curbs they came from. Also made with potatoes, so it fits the Spuds burger just right.
Potato skins: Homemade is the only way to go here. I baked potatoes with salt and olive oil on the skin for about an hour. Then I cut the potatoes in half and scooped out most of the insides, but left a decent coating of potato. Then I returned to the oven for 10 minutes on each side to crisp the shit out of them. Then I topped with cheese and bacon bits and broiled just for a couple minutes to melt the cheese. Then we added sour cream and chives to complete the baked potato effect and threw those bad boys right on top of the burgers. Now for the bombshell: the Revolutionary Man discarded the potato bread buns and used 2 POTATO SKINS AS HIS BUNS!!! What a visionary. What a genius. What a party animal. I know how I'll be serving this burger in the future.

So there you have it Spuds. Your very own burger. Thanks to everyone who wished Mr. Lickle Tickle and me a Happy Birthday and bought us a beer and a shot. We both vow to hold on to our glory years, do our founding fathers justice, and party until the nurses at our assisted living centers won't let us no mo!

See you next burger, you party animals.

Yay Burger Pictures: Part Deux

2010-01-21T21:17:00.004-05:00

Whoomp! There it is!

Sexy Burger back again
check it to eat it
let's begin
Sexy Burger people let me hear some noise
Burgers in the house jump jump rejoice
There's a burger over here
a burger over there
Wave your hands in the air
Shake your deriere
These three words mean you're gettin' Sexy
Whoomp there it is
HIT ME!

Now that we are all warmed up....

The following is a photo montage of the Always Sunny burger. Words are not needed:

For the South of the Border (remix) burger, we all assembled our burgers differently:

Prof. Purple wrapped her's snugly wrapped in a tortilla.

I went with a different, but similar approach. Keep the bun and wrap in a tortilla. It is not recommended but still totally delicious.

Or you can do it classic style, like the rest of the Sexy Burger crew.

Mmm mmm! Looking Sexy!

Now up, the Baked Potato Burger:

+

=

Yup, that equation works.

Also,

=

Math is fun :)

It's delicious and a helleva lotta fun being Sexy!

Onions: The Bane of My Existence

2010-01-21T17:36:00.005-05:00

Today, in a scene (ok it was an e-mail exchange) straight out of Jake Gyllenhaal's new movie, just hours away from their 26th birthday, two brothers nearly came to blows. Over onions.

I hate onions. They along with mushrooms are my absolute least favorite foods, and are the only foods I will never voluntarily eat. They taste terrible to me. Their texture is awful in my opinion. And they make people have horrible breath. Worst of all, I just don't get it. What do you people see in these horrible vegetables?

Who was the first asshole to come across an onion, pick it up, peel the paper like skin off the outside, smell it, shed tears, and think: "wow, I should really eat this!" What the hell had to be wrong with that man for him to be the pioneer of the onion? If you were an alien from another planet, and had no idea what an onion was and nobody suggested that you should eat it and that it was delicious, how could you possibly say you would eat this?

People may say that I am not adventurous and that I am wicked picky, and mostly those are both true. But I am working on trying more things, I did eat cucumbers and olive spread on the Uncle Jesse, both of which I don't like, and at the Spot's 23rd birthday dinner, which was lovely, I tried cow tongue. And as far as being wicked picky, of my least two favorite foods (onions and mushrooms) one makes people cry, a bodily function usually signaling pain or sadness, and the other is a fungus, something that can also be found on dirty feet and spoiled food.

The onion to me is the Britney Spears of the food world. Pre-crazy and chubby Britney was considered gods gift to men by probably 99% of the world. And yet I never saw it. She did nothing for me at all. Sure she had a great body, but her face was aquatic in nature and she seemed like a huge douche. My point being, it seemed almost like group think to find her attractive. Everybody else thought that way so you should feel that way too. That's what I think is going on here with the onion. I cannot wait til the day the onion shaves its head and flashes its vagina to the paparazzi so people will finally see what I see.

I fear I am going to have fewer followers on this than Jerry Maguire. Maybe these are the rantings of a mad man. But onions are my enemy and I will not let them taint my life any longer.

Now who's coming with me?

Yay Burger Pictures: Part I

2010-01-20T22:12:00.004-05:00

I've been seriously behind on my posts. I can make excuses, like my camera broke, work is wearing me down, I'm pissed at everyone for not inviting me to see Avatar in 3D or my third testicle came back, but none of these will do. The pictures make this blog great. They also make mouths water. Some people even pee themselves a little. So who am I to prevent a little dabble of pee on someone's underwear?

So without hesitation, I present some pictures from two of our last five burgers: the Uncle Jesse and the Egg's Washington.

I'll be honest, I hated this burger. But the ingredients sure are awesome looking. It's when they are all combined that I get sick to my stomach.

X Mark looking sexy with two giant balls of meat.

We had about 16 of our dearest friends join us for this burger. Just look at this production line! It makes you wonder how awesome our kitchen is going to be once we open our first restaurant!

Holy Greasy Uncle Jesse Hair is this thing loaded with flavor (most of which make me gag)!

Below are some shots of our friends who joined us that night:

Thanks to everyone who came out!!

On to the Egg's Washington, one of my favorites:

Mmmmm home fries and hollandaise sauce!

Here I am, poaching the shit out of them eggs! I'll be honest, for my first time, it was very easy.....and fun!

Just two brothers preparing a delicious morning burger for their friends.

Yo! Sauce me fool!

Mr. Lickle Tickle, X Mark and Prof. Purple making food that makes people smile. Oh how cute, we are all smiling too!

One bite out of this hamburger feels like you've died and gone to heaven!

Stay tuned for another picture loaded post of our last three burgers: the Always Sunny, the South of the Border remix and the Baked Potato Burger.

South of the Border Burger

2010-01-18T12:04:00.007-05:00

Anticipation...

From Wikipedia (shut up, I know this is a cliched opening): Anticipation... is an emotion involving pleasure in considering some expected or longed-for good event.

Pleasure and longing for and good. All great words and emotions. But how to elicit such feelings in your customers? Well, maybe we can turn to the masters of anticipation, the mavens of hope, the practitioners of enthusiasm:

The marketing geniuses behind the South of the Border billboards.

Anyone who has driven I-95 through South and North Carolina knows of these little monotony breakers. At first glance (which occurs about 150 miles north and south of the border) the billboards are curious and amusing (albeit a little racist). As you continue your trek, the billboards continue almost every mile, and the curiosity becomes genuine wonderment. Then you start noticing the mileage countdown in the bottom right-hand corner: 58, 47, 43, 36. The excitement builds. What is South of the Border? Who is this inappropriate caricature spewing these catchphrases and why am I so drawn to him? I MUST KNOW WHAT THIS PLACE IS!!!

Anticipation.

No one does it better. Not the writers of Lost. Not Santa Clause and his holiday. Not even strippers. None of these anticipation pushers uses 150 miles of otherwise barren highway to tickle the hope bone of road weary travelers stuck in the middle of the banality of the family vacation.

So in honor of Pedro, anticipation, and the ad wizards behind these billboards, we created a burger that we hope when our customers see the ingredients exploding off the page of our menu they will be transported to their Dodge Stratus on I-95, 5 miles from the border. Pleasure. Longing for. Good.

South of the Border Burger.

Components:

Taco seasoned beef patty: Hay dios mio! So flavorful. So juicy. So spicy. The aim of this burger was to take the mexican classic and turn it into a burger. So what better way to start than by taking the typical taco filler and mold it into a patty? A spicy, deliciously sexy patty. Just get some store bought taco seasoning and mix it in with the ground beef with a little bit of water pre-cooking.
Burger buns/tortilla wrap/tortilla chips: My idea for this burger was to just use regular burger buns and serve the burger on-top of a bed of cheese covered tortilla chips, so when you took a bite of the overloaded burger, the excess condiments would drop to the chips creating nachos. Prof. Purple and Mr. Lickle Tickle went another direction and wrapped the burger in a tortilla creating a burrito style package. Los dos fueren magnifico.
Sour cream/salsa/guac/hot sauce: The classic taco toppings. The sour cream, salsa, and guac combine to form a sweet, savory, and creamy Three Amigos like tag team, while the hot sauce plays the role of El Guapo, fiery and handsome. Los juntos, fueren increible.
Shredded Mexican style cheese: If you wait to add the cheese to the burger until after it is removed from the grill, you get a less melted cheese that provides a lot more flavor. Even with the gargantuan combination of toppings listed above, a good shredded, slightly melted cheese can shine through and salsa dance all over your taste buds.

Can you feel it? The anticipation? Admit it, you want this burger. You want to pull the car off the exit and shove this Mexican madness down your throat and savor every last spice.

Hasta la proxima hamburguesa.

Sexy like Julia

2010-01-17T20:38:00.003-05:00

"It is the Americans who have managed to crown minced beef as hamburger, and to send it round the world so that even the fussy French have taken to le boeuf hache, le hambourgaire."

Julia Child

In anticipation of the Elvis Burger in 20 Days

2010-01-12T21:29:00.000-05:00

food for thought...

2010-01-11T12:55:00.000-05:00

"A Hamburger is warm and fragrant and juicy. A hamburger is soft and nonthreatening. It personifies the Great Mother herself who has nourished us from the beginning. A hamburger is an icon of layered circles, the circle being at once the most spiritual and the most sensual of shapes. A hamburger is companionable and faintly erotic. The nipple of the Goddess, the bountiful belly-ball of Eve. You are what you think you eat."

Tom Robbins

The Always Sunny Burger

2010-01-10T10:56:00.005-05:00

"It's Seinfeld on crack"

This was the tagline from the first season of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Always Sunny follows 4 extremely self-centered ("Dennis you're not gay, you're just really, really vain") Philadelphian bar owners through their mostly pointless lives. In season 1 the "gang" tackles some serious hot button issues including:

racism ("Now when you say sister, do you mean your actual sister, or like your sistah")
abortion ("'This is the list of all the doctors I'm going to kill', 'There's two names crossed off', 'I know'"),
child molesting ("Oh, and the best part of it actually for me now is the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested. So in a way, my life is ruined. Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office and cry, and cry, and cry, and drink for a while."),
underage drinking ("Maybe we have a social responsibility to provide a safe haven for these kids to be kids. You know, experiment!"),
cancer ("Look, the girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet, OK? So I tell you I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her, she's going to feel sorry for me, we're going to start dating, and that's the way the lie works!"),
the second amendment ("Oh my God, Charlie, I shot you in your head! I am so sorry!"), and
the elderly ("I have a little bit of a problem with old people...I find them kinda creepy...and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really, you can see right through 'em and all their inside business").

If all this wasn't enough, in season 2 the show adds 3'7'' whirly dirvish Danny Devito as Dennis and Dee's father to provide the gang with life lessons and words of wisdom ("You never hunt a man").

As you can see, this show clearly needs a burger. So, in the spirit of FX's marketing campaign we bring you the Philly Cheesesteak on crack:

The Always Sunny Burger.

Components:

Toasted hoagie: The longest and most fallic bun we've used, just seeing this bread elicits thoughts of a classic Philly Cheesesteak.
Bison patty: We tried to use human meat but we don't have a guy for that. The bison was used as a change of pace from the typical beef. It was juicy and flavorful, but a little difficult to work with. We tried to stretch the patty to fit the bun, but the little shits would not cooperate. So we just made regular patties and cut them in half. This is a work in progress. I want my meat fallic like my buns.
Peppers, onions, mushrooms: Sauteed to perfection by Professor Purple, these toppings are optional but encouraged. Personally I don't like to ruin this little piece of heart attack heaven with veggies, but hey that's me.
Waffle fries: Fries on a burger is one of my favorite things to do in this world, up there with watching baseball, drinking beer, and beating up hoboes. I am known to abuse my condiments so for those who do the same, putting fries on your burger soaks up all the extra condiments and keeps your beard free of spillage.
Sexy Secret Sauce: Prof. Purple whipped up this spicy delight on a whim. What was supposed to be an easy spicy ketchup morphed into what I'm sure will be Sexy Burger's most requested condiment. I keep a bottle of it under my pillow when I sleep just to know I'm safe at night.
Whiz: WTF X Mark? Whiz? If you have never had Whiz then you have never had a real Philly Cheesesteak. Cheez Whiz (not the spray can shit, don't worry) is the OG Philly topping. This is the stuff that really seeks out your right and left ventricles and tries to grind them to a screeching halt. That's how you know it's good.

I'm relapsing into a food coma just thinking about this burger again. And I'm running out of steam. So I'm going to leave you all with this nugget from breakout Always Sunny star Charlie Kelly:

"I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!!"

See you next Burger.

Sexy Burger Field Trip Part 2: A Green Cookie Monster, A Nacho Cheese Disappointment, and X-Marketing

2010-01-03T22:07:00.004-05:00

A little delayed, but this is Part 2 of the Revolutionary Man's Recliner I Hardly Knew Her post.

In 3 parts, here is what I took from the non-Avatar portion of our trip to Jordan's in Reading.

A Green Cookie Monster
Walk in the front door of the Reading IMax and what do you see? A giant Wally the Green Monster with a mechanical arm eating a Yankees player (unfortunately this player is just a mannequin). If anyone has read Sexy Boston Sports (anyone? anyone?), you would think that I would love this display of cartoon dominance.

You would be wrong. You see, in another display of my Boston Sports Loyalty, I was present for the debut of Wally the Green Monster on Kid's Opening day in 1997 (this was back when the Red Sox marketing geniuses kept trying to push "Friendly Fenway" on us as Sully vomited on the back of a 83 year old woman and Murph punched a 7 year old in the face for mispelling "Yastrzemski").

Oh man. What a huge mistake. Yes, 13 years later and Wally still exists. But good lord was he hated in his debut.

From his Wikipedia page: " Wally debuted in 1997 to the chagrin of many older Red Sox fans...He also threw the ceremonial first pitch and was lustily booed by many fans."

I was there. Lustily may be an understatement. I was only 13 at the time, but even I knew he sucked. This Sesame Street reject was a massive departure from everything the Sox stood for. He sucked so bad and despite Jerry Remy's best efforts he still sucks.

Coincidentally enough this was the first game X Dad introduced me to the Yankees Suck chant. I think we were playing the Orioles. Good times.

A Nacho Cheese Disappointment
Nacho Cheese and Cheese Sauce are totally different. They are like apples and bow staffs.

Nacho Cheese (besides being the kind of cheese that isn't yours) is flavored in a jalapeno manner. A little spicy. A lot delicious. My favorite condiment. And I know condiments like Hammacher Schlammer knows combination clock/massagers.

So when my buddy Feeney told me I had to go to Fudruckers (knowing full well my love for this majestic condiment) because they had a condiment bar with Nacho Cheese that you serve yourself, I damn near left a smoke cloud behind me like the Roadrunner to get there.

What a waste of a smoke cloud.

Fudruckers has no Nacho Cheese. NO NACHO CHEESE. They have cheese sauce. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I have never been back to Fudruckers out of protest, Feeney and I are no longer friends, and every night I brush my teeth with Nacho Cheese to recover from this disappointment (only one of those things is true).

X-Marketing
Barry and Elliot (or now just Barry...or Elliot, who knows I can't tell, the fatter one) are marketing geniuses.

I won't bore you too much with this business stuff, but boy do my nipples get hard about some good solid marketing.

For those out of town readers (yes we have them, Sexy Burger is exploding) Barry and Elliot are twins who founded Jordan's Furniture stores. A furniture store first and foremost, is now home to IMax Theaters, Fudruckers (covered above, F them), candy stores, flying trapeze acts, roast beef restaurants, etc. They also had one of the best promotions ever, which on its surface looks like a failure, but actually was a monster success.

In 2007, Jordan's ran a Red Sox related promotion (baseball and good marketing, Hammer don't hurt em!): if the Red Sox won the World Series, Jordan's would refund everybody's money who bought furniture in April.

Of course my friends did win the World Series that year, sweeping the Rockies, and Jordan's refunded everybody's money who bought furniture in April. Ouch, right?

Wrong. Jordan's first purchased a shiiiiiiiiit load of insurance meaning their losses were minimal. It also was a huge media story and further added value to their sponsorship of the Red Sox.

So what do you think Barry or Eliott (whoever the fat one is) did in 2008? That's right, they did it again (although at the insurance company's insistence tweaked the deal to the Red Sox sweeping the World Series). Sadly for us in the Nation, the Sox did not win it in 08, taking the Rays to 7 games in the ALCS and watching my friend Can't Stand Ya's Phillies win it instead.

But happily for Jordan's, they sold 5 piece bedroom sets and end tables like gangbusters. $20 billion in sales in April alone (figures are estimated).

These two promotions on top of the 3 ring circuses at Jordan's in Reading and Natick earns X Mark's X-Marketing Genius award for the 2000's. Well done Barry. Or Eliott.

Stay tuned for Part 3 of the Sexy Burger Field trip...

The Uncle Jesse Burger

2009-12-31T13:00:00.003-05:00

The Greeks have a rich history.

Famous philosophers. Majestic buildings that turned into even more interesting ruins. City states including Sparta and Athens (the ancient Yankees and Red Sox). The original bard Homer, writer of the Iliad and the Odyssey. Helen of Troy. Gods. The Olympics. John Stamos.

In a fitting tribute to this fine Grecian, the Sexy Burger Crew has created the Uncle Jesse Burger.

Why eschew thousands of years of Greek History for this modern day Adonis? Why risk Zeus' vengeful lightning bolts for the former Mr. Rebecca Romijn? Why must we shit all over the Acropolis to honor this man?

Because what have you done for me lately Greece? Do Greek college students pray to Athena the night before a test? Were the 2004 Athens Olympic not the worst in history? Hell, even Achilles has a weakness.

But not Stamos. Sure he likes the sauce, but if this is not the pantheon of the 21st Century man then I don't know what is.

Stamos has conquered all forms of entertainment. From the hard rocking, always caring Uncle Jesse on Full House, to touring Beach Boys drummer, to Broadway star, to Dr. Tony Gates on ER, to YouTube sensation, this man has been there done that with a verve and vigor not seen from a Grecian since Odysseus' epic journey.

And thus, Stamos' most famous character, Uncle Jesse, stands atop the podium in the Olympic sized battle for naming rights of our Greek themed burger.

Components:

Ground lamb: Used in the American version of the Greek gyro, this was a controversial ingredient for some. Seasoned heartily, this ground meat carried more natural flavor than any meat we've used thus far. But for those who like the taste of Mary's little friend, this took the burger up the pantheon.
Pita bread: Like the lamb, tzatsiki, tomatoes, and onions, used in the famous Greek gyros.
Feta cheese: The Greek put feta on everything. Chicken. Feta. Pizza. Feta. Salad. Feta. Frosted flakes. Feta. Feta on everything. We put it IN our burger. Jucy Lucy style. Again, controversial for some, great for others. WARNING: A careless first bite may lead to a Herculian shot of burning hot feta in the back of the throat.
Cucumbers, tomatoes, onions: I hate vegetables. But these were necessary. Greeks love vegetables as did most of the 15 other people at this our largest Sexy Burger night. They provided a nice light complement to the saltiness of the meat and cheese. Of course eating these vegetables caused a tremendous shock to my body personally and the result was not pretty. Everyone else made it through in good health.
Tzatsiki and kalamata olive spread: I fear I'm reaching my word limit. These were very tasty, one light and cucumbery, one salty and rich.

Have mercy.

A huge thanks to the 11 people who joined the Sexy Burger Six on this night (Feeney, Nora, Angela, Todd, Rob, Barry, Chris, Mike, Meredith, Rachael, and Holly). This is really what we are hoping this adventure would turn into. You and all the other Burger Mob are welcome to join us for any Sexy Burger night they'd like. Let's turn this Burger adventure into a Burger Movement.

See you next burger.

The Eggs Washington

2009-12-26T17:12:00.002-05:00

Benedict Arnold is a traitor asshole. There is no way in hell my restaurant will ever have a burger named after him.

For those who don't know, Benedict was a respected American General during the Revolutionary War, but when he took command of the fort at West Point, New York, he plotted to surrender the fort to the Brits. After this plan failed, he left our side to join the red coats.

Mother f'er.

How did this guy get such a tremendous breakfast food named after him? There's no such thing as Stalin Waffles or a Hitler Omelet. Why do we have Eggs Benedict?

Well at Sexy Burger, we don't have Eggs Benedict. We have Eggs (greatest American hero) Washington.

For the Eggs Washington we opened the doors to some of the Burger Mob. We had a group of 12 today (minus the Kid who was wedding shopping) and even had a brief cameo from the X Mom, X Jill, and X Dad (who sampled the Eggs Washington and immediately wished he had invested $160 K of his money on our restaurant instead of 6 years of my secondary schooling). Today truly felt like we were slingin burgers at our restaurant.

Components:

Beef Patty: Simple and delicious. No seasoning added. We are taking this meal back for America with a new name and an American staple, the Beef Patty.
Poached Egg: Rounded and white like a perfect winter snow ball with a runny yellow surprise buried deep inside. None of us had ever poached an egg before, but with the aid of a magic egg poacher, Mr. Lickle Tickles stepped out of his role as house photographer and masterly worked these little pieces of heaven.
Canadian Bacon: Ummm. Ya, I know we are taking this back for America. But this is pretty traditional and I have some French Canadian in me and they are our harmless cousins to the north. So. Ya. Worked great with this meal.
English Muffins: Shit. We are getting away from this whole American theme to this burger. If it weren't Saturday night and I wasn't already drunk I'd probably go try to find a new angle for this post. But it is and I am.
Hollandaise Sauce: Packaged brilliance. We did not make this from scratch, but in this instance I think it was the right move. This is an easy sauce to botch, so we trusted the good folks at Unilever to do us right. And do us they did.

So maybe we didn't take this back for America completely. We used Canadian Bacon and English Muffins. Benedict Arnold is probably smiling in his grave right now.

I don't care. His name is separated from this delicious burger forever. Our number one forefather lays claim to this culinary classic done the Sexy Burger way.

Eggs Washington, we salute you.

See you next Burger.

Recliner? I hardly even knew her!

2009-12-22T09:14:00.004-05:00

If sitting through 3 hours of Avatar in IMAX 3D isn't enough to make you drool like your grandmother, Jordan's Furniture in Reading MA certainly will.
We didn't get much time to take in the scenery due to the mad rush to the back of the IMAX line. Being over an hour early a five minute pit stop was allowed where we enjoyed some Liquid Fireworks to the tune of Christmas carols while simultaneously watching an acrobat nearly kill himself (at least from our vantage point) in the trapeze school.

In the 5 second period that X Mark loosened his chains on The Spot (yeah right, we all know it's the other way around) she was memorized by a little girl's bed shaped like Cinderella's pumpkin carriage. This caused the crew to become outpaced by a mother-daughter team that was far more focused than we were. It should be noted that the girl was at the appropriate age for someone who would be attracted to such a bed. Luckily around the next bend of the Jordan's maze, a pair of simple minded nerds who seldom leave their couch were scratching their heads looking for the theater. And thus we achieved no net loss in our spot in line.

For a full review on the movie itself please see the post below from X Mark and The Spot.

The theater itself is gorgeous. I had only been to IMAX at Jordan's in Natick MA and and this one seemed at least twice as big with a screen twice the size. Twice as awesome. Barry comes on the screen to remind people that these are the only two IMAX theaters with Tempur-Pedic seats, all of which have "Butt-Kicka's" attached to them so that you can "feel" the movie. With 100 seats stretching across the aisle I would have preferred "Butt-Pissa's" so you wouldn't have to step on 50 people and miss 5 min of the movie in order to take a wicked. There was also something about individual speakers in each seat but I didn't catch the details there. The clip is funny the first time but an update now and then would really make each viewing feel more like the unique experience they are trying to create.

After departing James Cameron's beautiful world called Pandora, we entered a delicious world called "Bean Town".

Yes, that is a giant banana split adorning an ice cream stand and yes, X Mark is geeking out in some 3D glasses.

Everything that you see is covered in Jelly Belly's to give it that Willy Wonka look.

The way we felt walking out of there must have been comprable to how an E-head feels walking out of an abandoned factory at 7AM with a throbbing head and vague memories of the most epic night ever. I imagine that if it weren't for the Pork Chop and Apple Sauce burger Sunday night a good chunk of the crew would be in purgatory yucking it up with Brittany Murphy as we speak. Too soon?

Stay Tuned, dear Burger Mob, for Part Two of the Burger Crew's Field Trip! In this episode, X Mark will take over (because of his aptitude for long winded posts) and consider X Marketing, meditate on Fuddruckers, and suppress memories of how Wally The Green Monster touched him as a child. Finally, The Revolutionary Man will return where The Burger Crew discovers...drum roll please...the origin of Cheeseburger soup, and quite possibly the universe as we know it!!!

The Peter Brady Burger

2009-12-21T12:29:00.005-05:00

Our Sunday night Burgerfest turned out to be one of our best. After the abortion that was the Devil's Threesome, we were all in desperate need of a delicious burger. I feel like my life can truly begin after this one.
We all agreed that we will never again stray from good old fashioned ingredients made from scratch. X Mark made an incredible applesauce (big ups to mama Bergeron for the delicious recipe) that will hold a special place in my heart for many years to come.

The Sweet Meat marinade (courtesy of The Kid) mixed with the ground pork was like witnessing a miracle. In my mouth.
The smoked apple cheddar really put me over the edge, in a good way. I almost fell off my chair when the combination of the flavors made forceful yet sweet tasty love to my tastebuds.

This burger is so effing good that I don't think words can really describe it. My reaction to this burger looked a little something like this:

We all thought it was so amazing that we couldn't even find words to describe it. We basically sat around the table screaming with joy like this freakish adorable ginger baby.

This weekend I witnessed two things I have never before experienced: The miraculous birth of the porkchops and applesauce burger (now and forever known as the "Peter Brady Burger") and the holy-shit-mind-officially-blown-wait-in-line-for-an-hour-but-so-worth-it-pee-in-my-pants-amazing-3D-awesomeness that was Avatar. Yeah yeah yeah the plot was silly and James Cameron should be spanked for a few things but honestly people, shove some headphones in and listen to your favorite music while you watch the movie for all I care. This movie was phenomenal. So much so that I spent way too much time transforming myself into one of those sexy blue cat people.

Purrrrr

Ok that about wraps it up. Time to waste the next 6 days until burger night.

-The Spot

The Peter Brady Burger in Pictures

X-Mark's take on the Peter Brady Burger

"People Need to See This"

2009-12-20T20:30:00.003-05:00

Today my camera broke (which is sad) but I was lucky enough to capture one of our tastiest burgers to date. Enjoy!

Steaming Homemade Apple Sauce. This really made the burger.

The Kid worked with a number of spices to create some delicious potato fries.

Don't these burgers look tasty?!

Mmmm, there it is.

An instant classic!

Pork Chops and Applesauce

2009-12-20T20:15:00.008-05:00

Peter Brady's favorite. Enough to make Jules Winfield dig on swine. The burger equivalent to the CGI in Avatar. If Ray Allen's jumpshot were a burger, it would be this. Silky smooth. Sweet and savory. Top of the food chain. I challenge you to be a vegetarian after just one bite of this burger.

Pork Chops and Applesauce.

Part of our Sexy Burger quest is trying to recreate meals in a burger. Most restaurant menus will be set up with a section for appetizers, salads, sandwiches, burgers, entrees, and desserts. Not Sexy Burger. We will be set up with three categories only: Burger Appetizers, Burgers, Burger Desserts.

And as such, we need to turn entire meals into burgers. Think of it like how all meals will be in pill form in the future. Consider this the missing link.

Contents:

Marinated pork patty: The smell coming off of this burger must be what pheromones smell like if we could consciously know what they smell like. We marinated ground pork in what we in the Crew call "Sweet Meat" marinade. It is made of ginger, syrup, soy sauce, and other seasonings. We used a little too much marinade making the patties hard to shape, but we fixed it by adding in some bread crumbs to absorb some of the juice, so either be careful with the amount you use or have the bread crumbs handy.
Potato bread buns: These had a very good flavor. A little sweeter than regular burger buns. Must be toasted though, this is a very juicy burger with a very juicy condiment, so you want the integrity of the bread to hold up.
Apple smoked cheddar: We liked this cheese so much on the Luau Burger we had to bring it around for seconds. The smokiness really mixed well with the juicy marinade. This cheese can be too overwhelming for some (including myself) but with how much flavor was in the patties it was too over powering.
Applesauce: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. X Mom's recipe. Fuji apples. Cinamon. Brown sugar. Best burger condiment I have ever used (until the wonderful day I use Nacho Cheese of course). I don't even know what else to say. So GD good it will blow your mind.

Served with a delicious side of oven roasted potatoes, the Pork Chops and Applesauce became an instant classic. And we really needed a win. I was so down after the Devil's Threesome last week, I needed my faith in burgers restored.

Just kidding, I could never lose faith in the most important mission anyone has ever set out on. Ever.

Next week we invite some old friends who return for the holidays to join us for an international treat.

See you next Burger.

The Spot's take on the Peter Brady Burger

The Peter Brady Burger in Pictures

Avatar: James Cameron's Money Shot

2009-12-20T16:49:00.003-05:00

On Saturday night, I along with the sexy Spot, The Revolutionary Man, and The Kid made the trek to Reading, MA to see James Cameron's Avatar, a story about...well let's be honest, this movie isn't really about a story. It's about changing the future of cinema. It's about expanding the possibilities of CGI. It's about making the viewer feel as if they are a part of the movie. It's about James Cameron saying "Hey everyone, bow at my feet and stroke my huge...ego."

I am no movie critic so I won't get into the intricacies of symbolism, cinematography, or comparing Avatar to other Cameron flicks. I am just going to offer my honest opinion of an entertaining, but uneven movie. And ya this is not burger related, but it's important, so please read on.

The Good
HOLY SHIT! I don't really even know what else to say about the CGI work in this movie. You honestly have to see it to believe it. I've never seen anything like this. I was on the planet Pandora. It was insane. Cameron created a whole world and even though it was a little cheesy (the trees and some of the terrain were straight from MJ's Billie Jean video) it was astonishing.

If you are going to see this movie, please see it in IMax. You really don't want to miss an inch of what he created. The coolest part about the 3D effects were actually the scenes inside of the human ships. You really felt like you were walking through the mess hall or going into the lab to get into your own Avatar pod. The 3D wasn't gimmicky at all made a massive difference. I honestly would not even bother seeing the movie unless it was 3D and on a huge screen.

The acting and dialogue was actually not that cheesy either, save for a couple lines, but what can you expect from a sci-fi movie? The dude who played Jake Sully was good, Sigourney was not unbearable, and even Michelle Rodriguez did not make me want to gouge my eyes out with a dull, rusty scalpel like she usually does (Lost fans know what I'm talking about). Actually the worst part in the movie was Giovanni Ribisi's character, who was the business mogul looking to secure the supposedly valuable Unobtanium from the planet Pandora. But he's usually one of my favorite actors so I'll give him a pass. And this segue's into my next part...

The Bad
You may have noticed by now that all the good I mentioned was the technology and visuals explored in this movie. But the plot, oh man the plot. I'm not entirely sure there was one. There may have been 3. There may have been 0. Really hard to tell.

Without giving too much away, so I'll say ***SPOILER ALERT*** here, it seemed like the original plot of the movie is as follows:

Humans discover the planet Pandora
Humans discover the element Unobtanium (ya I'm vomiting in my mouth thinking about that ridiculous name) which apparently is wicked valuable on Earth ($20 mil per kilo) even though it's never mentioned what it does or why it's valuable
Burgeoning capitalist Giovanni Ribisi brings soldiers and scientists to the planet to remove the Unobtanium, but first they must study and assimilate with the natives of the planet, the Navi, who are a bunch of blue, pony tailed hippies that literally are in touch with the planet
And...

Well that is the last mention of Unobtanium in the entire movie. Why do humans want it? Do the Navi want it? Why can't we just ask them for some? They seem to like us ok if we aren't, you know, trying to destroy them and their way of life. Which of course we do eventually, supposedly to get the Unobtanium, I think, but I'm not really sure.

Now, the Spot assures me that the plot is not important because like I said earlier this was about changing cinema forever and not an award winning plot. But shit, Cameron spent over a decade on this movie, the least he could have done was have someone work on the script and make sure it made sense.

And one last thing I'd like to comment on: if this is the future of cinema, I am a little afraid. 3D is awesome and watching this movie was great. But if every movie starts becoming 3D, I'm gonna have to politely tell Hollywood no thank you. I really don't want to wear these glasses every time I want to watch a movie. You should have seen the ridiculous things Jordan's Furniture put us in. Uncomfortable and barely stayed on my head (yes cue the people out there who know me with their jokes about my ridiculously oversized head). I'm just nervous that Hollywood is gonna see the crazy success of this movie and think that every movie from here on out will have to be in 3D and they will dedicate most of their time and energy to creating the effects and forget totally about the plot leading to every movie being Transformers 2.

Overall
Overall, this was a great movie watching experience. I heavily recommend it to anyone, but only in the theaters and preferably in IMax. Just trust me on this one. Especially those of you who have never been to IMax, it is totally incomparable. Trust me my Burger Mob, you do not want to wait for this to come out on DVD. Rush to IMax and prepare to be blown away.

Grounded For Life? Shit Yeah!

2009-12-16T13:46:00.006-05:00

This post is meant to clarify one very important issue dear to our hearts here at Sexy Burger. We are NOT a sandwich joint. Sandwiches are so last year and burgers are the future. Anyone can slice some meat and throw it on some bread, put on some delicious ingredients, and act like their shit don't stink. Well it does. It smells very, very bad. That's not for us. We ground the shit out of our meats. We ground the shit out of our vegetables. We ground the shit out of whatever the shit we feel like grounding. We ground them so hard they don't even remember what they were to begin with and, quite frankly, they don't care!

We put that ground patty in between two pieces of something so delightful that the pure essence of its being screams "Shit Yeah" before you even put it into your mouth. Even after it moves past the tender spot on the end of your hole you will think about it. You will dream about it. And eventually, like ourselves, you will need to blog about it.

We here at the Sexy Burger Six have lifted the fear of being grounded. So go ahead and do all those crazy things you were too afraid to do. Pants your friend in front of the teacher, shit in the bird bath, punch that midget Jersey shore girl in the face. This is not just a burger it's a Burger Movement and this BM smells good.

Sexy Business

2009-12-15T20:11:00.002-05:00

Some breaking news in the Sexy Burger world.

No, the Revolutionary Man and the Kid aren't pregnant and Mr. Lickle Tickle has not come out of the closet.

About a week ago, a family member of one of the Sexy Burger Six, who we shall call Burger Mogul, heard about our adventure. Burger Mogul read our blog. Burger Mogul liked what Burger Mogul saw. Burger Mogul has interest in turning our little Sexy Burger fantasy, into a giant Sexy Burger reality.

While nothing is even imminent, we are probably still in the making out stage of eventual conception, this is pretty damn exciting to all of us. For one, it gives myself and the Revolutionary Man a chance to use the MBA's we have to develop a business plan, which up to this point have served as little more than fancy kindling to this point. For two, it makes that light at the end of a tunnel I mentioned in my first post ever so much brighter. For three, despite all the obvious potential failures in owning a restaurant, how cool would it be to own an ultra-creative restaurant and bar with 5 of their great friends? For four, fuck ya!

The Burger Mogul wants to give us a chance. A chance to dominate the burger universe for years to come. But first, Burger Mogul wants a real, full on, successful business plan.

And thanks to Al Gore for providing us with the Internet, we plan to share our process with our faithful followers in this space. This will be totally open source. We will share things like our Mission Statement, SWOT analysis, target markets, operational plans, and potentially even create some kind of focus groups with a few lucky readers.

We encourage your feed back on everything we do. Use the comment sections. Let us know what you think. What would you like to see at the Sexy Burger restaurant? Does the Sexy Burger name work for a restaurant? Where should we be located? Should we be 21+? How bout price points? Anyone know a good ground meat vendor? Share with us to help make the Sexy Burger dream a reality.

We want Sexy Burger the restaurant to be for the people by the people. Just like the Constitution. Or FUBU.

My Thoughts on the D3

2009-12-13T20:44:00.005-05:00

Up until now I've been thrilled with most of these burgers. Burger night is the only thing keeping me on this earth I usually finish up eating, try not to throw up, question my life for the remaining hours of the night and pass out with visions of sugarplum burgers dancing in my head. While overall this was a decent burger, the actual ingredients didn't sit well with me and i need to discuss a few important points:

1. frozen breakfast foods (apart from Eggos) are disgusting. The answer is No. The French toast consisted of a mystery mush that can only be described as concerning. Something about the sausage conjured up images of ground rat meat and murder. The only thing worse that I can think of at the moment is

2.. that godforsaken Gap Christmas commercial (the one with the dancers wearing plaid) is making me seriously contemplate mass murder. I was thinking some sort of airborne virus but i have a limited budget. Matches are cheaper and very effective depending on the weather. Speaking of mass murder

3. The holocaust. Now that was a major bummer. Just about as bad as

4. that new MTV show The Jersey Shore and I quote, "If one thing led to another I wouldn't make him get off". I watched half of it and suddenly i feel like my brain has chlamydia. I'm off to bleach my soul.

Ok so none of this really has anything to do with hamburgers but guess what, this is my blog not yours.

It is important to realize that we were all a little hungover and lazy. This was a last minute burger and we would certainly make it again with better ingredients. I fully expect this one to be on the top of my list the next time around.

Long Live Breakfast For Dinner
See you next Burger!

X-Mark's take on the Devil's 3 Some

Mr. Barneby Jones' take on the Devil's 3 Some

The Devil's 3Some

2009-12-13T20:18:00.007-05:00

Boy meets girl. Boy chats up girl. Boy buys girl a drink. Boy buys girl 8 more drinks. Girl meets boy's buddy. Boy, girl, and buddy return to boy's studio apartment. Boy puts on the Sisqo CD. Boy pours G and Ts for girl and buddy. Boy, girl and buddy fold down the futon.

The Devil's 3Some.

Tonight the Sexy Burger Six put an innocent spin on a despicable act. Breakfast for dinner is a favorite for a lot of people (especially Mr. Lickle Tickle as you will see in his photo post). And since none of us ever plan to be awake early enough to have Sexy Burger open for breakfast, we thought dinner would be the perfect time to have the D3.

The D3 is a work in progress. I personally like the name more than the burger, and unfortunately we are trying to sell burgers, not names. In the future this could be a totally different burger. Several ideas have been bounced around for tweaking this incarnation of the burger (two kinds of meat and an egg for 2 males and a female is the leading alternative) or this could just become the Breakfast Orgy and the Devil's 3Some could be dropped as a name altogether.

My lovely better half put it best in her post that evolved into a social commentary on the Jersey Douche. Frozen breakfast foods just do not work unless it says Eggo on the box (check out this article about the strange national Eggo shortage) . I am a little ashamed we used them. We are better than that. Admittedly we were a little tired and hung over from the Erickson wedding and did not commit to this burger 100%.

Well my faithful burger followers, all 4 of you, on this day, I promise you to never again go half ass on any burger no matter what state of health and mind I am in. We owe you more. We owe ourselves more. We owe our burger pioneers more. For our next burger, you shall have more.

See you next burger.

Mr. Barneby Jones' take on the Devil's 3 Some

The Spot's take on the Devil's 3 Some

Devil 3some me please!

2009-12-13T19:51:00.006-05:00

* The following post was written immediately after Mr. LickleTickle devoured the Devil's 3Some *

I feel like a kid right now.

The Devil's 3Some, a name that would make my parents cringe, might also make them smile. It would bring them back to the days when us kids would mosey down to the kitchen mid-morning, groggy from doing important kid stuff late last night (like 11:30pm),presenting us with a delicious cornucopia of breakfast goodies.

Pancakes, french toast, Eggo waffles, oh my! Give me cheesy scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and juicy sausages! Where's my syrup?! I need to soak my dish in it!!

My kid brain could hardly compute it. I would get super excited. I'd washed my hands and dive in!

It were these mornings that brought me such delight as I made my way through the Devil's 3Some. It evoked the same emotions that little Mr LickleTickle felt when he was just a wild, off-the-wall, 12 year old kid.

Now for some pictures:

Your local grocery store will provide all of the materials you need for the Devil's 3some. We did it late Sunday night (breakfast at night might be better than breakfast at breakfast because it's a total deviation from standard convention). The smell of these goodies had me jumping for joy.

Mark performing a magic trick. Well, that's what he told me.

This OJ didn't taste like the OJ I used to enjoy as a kid. It was a bit bubbly. It sure was delicious though!

Prof. Purple flipping and frying!

X Mark and Prof. Purple making my breakfast for dinner for me. In a strange way,

OMG!!!!

Take one waffle. Put a sausage pattie with cheddar cheese on it. Add a slice of french toast. Included one more sausage pattie with cheddar cheese. Top it off with one more waffle. Drizzle with syrup!!

This looks so good! It also tasted very, very good. I can't wait to tinker around with this burger again!

The Spot's take on the Devil's 3 Some

X-Mark's take on the Devil's 3 Some

The Art of Pattie Molding

2009-12-11T21:34:00.003-05:00

That's Amore Burger

2009-12-11T21:26:00.013-05:00

Pizza is the Italian hamburger. A blank canvas of deliciousness.

You like pineapples? Throw em on there. You like peppahs? Throw em on there. You like BBQ chicken? You guessed it, throw em on there.

This is a style of cooking the Sexy Burger Six heartily endorses, which means we just had to do our tribute to pizza with the That's Amore Burger.

This was a last minute addition to the family. Stupidly we had forgotten all about a pizza burger. The idea evolved out of the hundreds of emails sent back and forth by the SBS the week prior (but if our bosses ask, the emails were "work related"). Planning on having a pizza night on Friday, a light went off in the mind of The Revolutionary Man: why eat pizza when we can eat a pizza burger?

That's Amore.

Mama mia was this a good f'n burger! Each bite called to mind the truly great Italian heroes who came before us: Deano, Frank, Rocky, Tony C, Sophia Loren, Brian Scalabrine, Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Mario and Luigi. My second favorite burger thus far.

Components:

Ground beef: Hamburger is a well traveled pizza topping, so we went with the traditional beef for this one. I mixed it with some grated parm/ricotta cheese and Italian seasoning. Tender, juicy, bursting with flavor.
Pizza sauce: In the future when time and budget are not issues, I will begin to make my own marinara. For now, I bought Ragu Pizza sauce. Blasphemy, I know, but times is tough. And it was still delicious. I put this on top of the burger after both sides were cooked rather than marinating the meat in it like I did with the spaghetti and meatball burger.
Pepperoni: Second most popular pizza topping, so I found it fitting to join this party. Went on with the sauce and cheese.
Fresh mozzarella: We here at Sexy Burger (especially myself, The Spot, and Prof. Purple) love our cheese. And any cheese lover knows, fresh mozzarella belongs in the top 3 cheeses cows ever created. As you'll see in the pictures, this melted on beautifully and was stringy and delicious.
Pizza dough buns: The differentiator. This is what truly sets That's Amore apart from your typical pizza burger. We used Pillsbury pizza dough, seasoned it with olive oil, garlic powder, parm, and Italian seasoning. The things this did to my taste buds are unspeakable in this medium. Wow. Just, wow.

Success on a burger. This one was very easy to make as well and not a leap of faith at all, so I highly recommend our slowly growing group of followers to try this one for yourself. Make sure you do the pizza crust like we did, it really made the burger.

And last but certainly not least, big congratulations to Jim and Ashleigh Erickson, who just got married this Saturday. 4 of the SBS was in attendance and it was a great great time. My first wedding since being ring bearer at my aunts wedding when I was 4. First of my good friends to get married. I feel like such an adult.

That's Amore in Pictures

That's Amore in Pictures

2009-12-11T20:46:00.007-05:00

Firsta you ah takah the dough and spreada it ah out.

Adda yaself ah bitta olive oil an some seasonin'.

Makah sure ya pizza dough looksa like theese.

Next, takah ah bit of ground meatah.
Putta ah little parmesan cheese and ah little Italiano seasoning! Pauroso!

We zah foundah ah self ah little bit of freshah mozzarella cheese thatah you can ah rollah on out.

The fresha mozzarella makes ah me ah wetta in me ah mutandes!

Its ah bestah Italiano burger in all of the ah landah!

It's ah pizza burger! That's Amore!

Real women don't wear fur

2009-12-11T20:19:00.002-05:00

However, they do eat meat.

The PB BJ in Video

2009-12-08T21:04:00.001-05:00

Sexy Burger

10 ~ 1 ~ 2011

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The MILF Burger (Mom I'd Like to Feed)

The Number 7: Episode Two of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries

Help Out Conor

Mother Nature, This Time You've Gone To Far!

The Virgin Burger

My Beer Mistress is coming...

The Mojito Burger: Episode One of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries

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Conan Steals Our Idea...Sorta

The Rock Bottom Tour

Sexy Burger Season 2: There Will Be Beef

The Big Sexy (Our 4th of July Burger)

Let the Battle Begin

The Maryland Burger (Now with Sebastian Style!)

The Meat on the Street

Sex sells. Boy is it delicious!

*Battle of The Burgers* Round 2: Pre-Meal Jitters

*Battle of The Burgers* Round 1(of 3): Getting Down on Our Luxe

Have your cake and burger too!

Undah the Sea!

Halfway to Halloween: A Retro Diary

In Non-Burger News

These Costumes Make Me Laugh!

Next On the Menu...

A Burger Quickie

Stay Tuned.....

Jucy Lucy

We Suck And We Owe You

The Chickens Came Home to Roost

How Five Guys Did It

The Easter Bunny Burger

Finding providence in Providence Part One Prelude to the Easter Bunny Burger

The Dirty Burger

"I swear this has never happened to me before"

A Non-Burger, St. Patrick's Day Quickie

The Luck O' The Irish Burger

Dante's Inferno (Part 2 of 2)

The Fur Burger

What is SexyBurger?

Corey Haim 1971-2010

Dante's Inferno (Part 1 of 2)

The King

The D3 Part 2

Meat Heroes

$200 for burgers!?!? No sir

A Non-Burger Quickie

A Burger Quickie

Cheesus Christ Burger

A Math Equation

Sexy Burger Takes Manhattan

Things Will Never Be the Same

The Super Bowl Medley

In the Buff Burger

Behold, New Ketchup Packets!

Elvis, your sex is on fire...

Frozen Gravy Cubes

The ToddSmith: In the Buff Burger

Burger Battle

Spuds Mackenzie

Yay Burger Pictures: Part Deux

Onions: The Bane of My Existence

Yay Burger Pictures: Part I

South of the Border Burger

Sexy like Julia

In anticipation of the Elvis Burger in 20 Days

food for thought...

The Always Sunny Burger

Sexy Burger Field Trip Part 2: A Green Cookie Monster, A Nacho Cheese Disappointment, and X-Marketing

The Uncle Jesse Burger

The Eggs Washington

Recliner? I hardly even knew her!

The Peter Brady Burger

"People Need to See This"

Pork Chops and Applesauce

Avatar: James Cameron's Money Shot

Grounded For Life? Shit Yeah!

Sexy Business

Battle of The Burgers Round 2: Pre-Meal Jitters

Battle of The Burgers Round 1(of 3): Getting Down on Our Luxe