Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The MILF Burger (Mom I'd Like to Feed)



From Spanish reporter, Wiki Pedia: “Oedipus was a mythical Greek king of Thebes. He fulfilled a prophecy that said he would kill his father and marry his mother, and thus brought disaster on his city and family.” I wonder if he did this to get her special burger recipe? (Don't worry X Dad. I already got the recipe so I'm not coming for your throne.)

X Mom is an incredible cook. Growing up a picky eater, her talents were often times wasted on me. As a good Italian woman, she made great sauces with an abundance of vegetables and seasonings that were just too advanced for my MR P (Mentally Retarded Pallet). Even though I restricted myself from some of her best dishes, it was apparent she was a great cook.

In college and my first couple years out of school, it looked like I would follow in X Dad’s culinary footsteps. In other words, I would be the master of the microwave and peeler of potatoes and not much else. Sure, I could grill a piece of meat and make a mean turkey, cheese and mayo sandwich and my delicacy was Milano cookies dipped in vanilla frosting. But I had neither the patience nor, it seemed, the talent to evolve beyond throwing a Hungry Man dinner in the oven for 15 minutes with a cold Busch Lite as my vegetable.

Then a funny thing happened. I got a girlfriend. Apparently girlfriends don’t like frozen chicken fingers and cheese fries with a side of beer for dinner. Buying a pound and a half of turkey meat is not a smart way to get 5 dinners for the weak. So once The Spot and I started dating, I realized I needed to take my culinary ability to the next level.

After getting by with pasta dishes and marinated meats for the beginning of our relationship, it was clear I needed to show The Spot more. About a year in, we took a 3 day vacation to Provincetown where the plan was to make all of our dinners at our condo. I volunteered to do most of the cooking trying to show the little lady that she picked a winner. Like Clark Kent accidentally punching a hole in a brick wall for the first time, it all clicked and I finally realized X Mom had passed her talents to me. I grilled the best steak I had ever made, baked a flaky and juicy breaded haddock, and made the unofficial first Sexy Burger, a Jucy Lucy style blue cheese burger. I was hooked.

A few months later, Sexy Burger was born. When I told X Mom all about our new venture she immediately said she had a great recipe for us. I was thrilled to have her contribution, but because of our overflow of in-house ideas and probably some hubris, the recipe sat in my inbox collecting dust for over a year. Then, two weekends ago, we were trying to come up with a brand new burger to kick off the month of May. We had some decent ideas and some really terrible ones, most of which involved costumes for the burgers (ya we were struggling) but nothing seemed ready or worthy of being a Sexy Burger. Then we remembered that the following weekend was Mother’s Day and the idea hit us. What better way to honor all of our mothers who kept our bellies full of delicious food as we grew up than with a delicious and sophisticated burger they can call their own, straight from one of our own mothers.

The MILF Burger (Mom I’d Like to Feed)


Components:

  • Ground turkey with pesto: One of the many ingredients in this burger that I didn’t like growing up, the parmesan and basil flavor in the pesto reminded me of how damn foolish I was to consistently say to my mother, “No I don’t want pesto on my pasta, I’ll have melted Velveeta cheese instead!” Any sane person would absolutely love this flavor booster for the turkey meat.
  • Crumbled gorgonzola cheese: Fun to say and even more fun to eat! Say it with me. Gor – gone – zo – la. All infomercial speak aside, I really like putting cheeses like gorgonzola, blue cheese and feta on our burgers. They definitely retain their flavor best and with all the sweet burgers we’ve been doing lately they provide a nice change of pace.
  • Roasted red peppers, sun dried tomatoes and avocado slices: 10 years ago if you had told my mother that I would not only put these three items on a meal that I was actually going to eat, but would also enjoy, she would shed tears of joy, laugh at the absurdity of your statement, then slap you in the mouth for lying to her. X Mom, like most moms, don’t like liars.
  • Chipotle mayo and honey mustard: X Mom suggested one or the other, but since this is Sexy Burger we did both. Sweet and spicy came together as a comforting condiment blanket looking to tuck this burger in and put it to sleep. Sweet dreams and good night turkey. Don't let the hungry Burger Minions bite.


This was our gift to all of our wonderful mothers. Through your guidance, love and understanding we have become the well adjusted, slightly insane individuals you see here today. We thank you for not killing us for getting a bad grade, “forgetting” to do our chores, making our younger siblings cry, or stealing your vodka and putting water back into the bottle so you wouldn’t notice only to freeze the bottle years later magically turning “liquor” into ice. Instead, you stayed patient with us, gave us the tools to succeed and helped to train the greatest collection of burger making talents the world has ever seen. You are all truly mothers we’d like to feed. Happy Mother's Day Moms.

See ya next burger!






Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Number 7: Episode Two of "The Sexy Drink Burger" Miniseries


This is the tale of The Spot and Jack Daniels...

Their eyes met from across the room. The setting a non-descript South Florida bar. She was all of 21 years old, inexperienced in the ways of the world, yet eager to unlock the mysteries it held. He was 156 years old and had been in places like this millions of times before, his stare old and wise.

After some time passed, he casually approached her at the bar. He was short, but dark and handsome. She didn't know at the time, but he was exactly her type. As they came in contact for the first time, it was love at first taste. One taste and he was pumping so much soul through her body that he transformed her into Ray Charles tickling the imaginary ivory, singing "I Can't Stop Loving You" all night long.
Before Jack
After Jack




The affair progressed slowly over the next couple years. A New Years party here. A townie bar on a Tuesday night there. A quiet night at home. A back ally dalliance. It all came to a head when she moved into her new house and there he was, awaiting her lips. It was like the first time they met all over again as the original spark had returned. Their bond was unbreakable.

She would take him everywhere. She loved taking him to barbecues with her friends just to show off their love. She even figured out a way to shrink him down and stash him in her purse just to get him into bars where his presence was rarely strong enough for her. Their passion for each other was intense and their love affair torrid, but like a lot of relationships, it became stale.

As the days passed, she realized she needed more out of him. She tried bringing some new flavors to the mix, but it wasn't enough. She tried an open relationship with Evan, Weller and an older man named Jim, but it wasn't enough. She tried going on a break, but he continued to call. Finally, when it looked like their relationship would go the way of other great romances like Charles and Di, Michael and Liza, or Nick and Jessica, she dug deep and found the ultimate way to make it work. Put him on a burger.

The Number 7.


Components:

  • Beef patty: Full disclosure...I forgot to check the tank before I fired up the grill and had to finish cooking 11 patties in fry pans. Was not a total disaster but it could have been. Sometimes people forget things and it's no big deal, something to laugh about later. But sometimes forgetting something can be deadly. Jack Daniels was a forgettor and it led to his demise. According to reputable news reporter Wiki Pedia (I think he's Spanish), Daniels had a safe in his office to which he always forgot the combination. One morning, probably after a long night of sampling his own stuff, he came into the office and couldn't get the safe open. He gave the safe a swift kick, injuring one of his toes. A short time later, he fell ill with an infection in the injured toe and he died. Needless to say I will never forget to check the tank again.
  • Cheddar cheese: We were duped by some pre-sliced packaged "cheddar" cheese worse than a Thai lady boy on the Las Vegas strip. It was not cheddar. But of course, as usual, we made it work.We will stick to the deli from now on.
  • Slices of apple: From the first two ingredients, it may seem like this burger was something less than spectacular. That is before you hear about these next two ingredients. In honor of the drink Apple Jack, we topped the burger with slices of apples. Oh ya, we also baked them in butter and brown sugar first. You know that thing in the Bible that people go to after they die if they had been good their entire lives? Right, Heaven. Where they serve you nothing but these sliced apples.
  • Homemade Jack Daniels sauce: TGI Fridays and Jack Daniels teamed up to make a barbecue sauce for the TGI Friday's menu (which they also now sell in stores). They should have consulted with X Mark first. Using 7 ingredients (Jack, syrup, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, ketchup, garlic, and brown sugar) in honor of the No. 7 Brand, we made a Jack Daniels based sauce that I applied to the burgers while I cooked. One day I envision a world where every grocery store will have a ketchup section, a mayo section, a mustard section, and a Sexy Burger Jack Daniels sauce section so you can all experience the mouth pleasure that my friends and I had last weekend.
So you've now all heard a great love story and all about the second burger in our drink themed miniseries. With the weather finally warming up I am hoping to make a lot more burgers in the next few weeks.We will also be posting a lot more content in an effort to get this piece back up and running. Until then, I leave you with Jack Daniel's final words, which the Sexy Burger Six (minus the now sober RVM and The Kid) embrace as gospel, "One last drink, please."

See ya next burger!

Monday, April 25, 2011

Help Out Conor



Hey Everyone,

I created this ChipIn because I wanted to help out my cousin Conor. I thank you for putting him in your thoughts too.

Conor

As you may know, Conor was diagnosed and has been battling bone cancer. He's been fighting hard and is well on his way to beating it, but could still use some help.

That's where I hope all of you can come in to lend a hand.

Can you help out Conor by donating today?

My goal is to raise $1,000 by May 7. On May 7, a few friends and I will be running a 10-mile long race up and down Mt. Snow in Vermont. The event, called Tough Mudder, includes 20+ military style obstacles scattered throughout the course. Tough Mudder is going to be insane and I plan to dedicate my run to Conor.

It would be great if I could count on everyone to help me reach my goal. I'd rather think about handing this gift over to Conor as I near the finish line instead of wondering if the last obstacle, electroshock therapy (dangling live wires - some carrying up to 10,000 volts), is going to knock me out in front of hundreds of spectators.

As an added bonus if you donate more than $25 I will put your name in a drawing for two tickets to a Red Sox game on August 16! (thanks to Kyle Graham for the hook up).

It's easy to help. Click on the "ChipIn" button on this page and it will bring you to a form where you can enter your credit or debit card information and make a safe and secure donation right online! This works through PayPal which is a trusted online source. Once all the donations have come in, I will give 100% to Conor. Hopefully it can help with medical bills or whatever else he needs.

Let’s make it happen and help out a great guy!

Thank you for your help and donations - Joe

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Virgin Burger



The man who came up with the phrase "Good things come to those who wait" must have been a virgin until he was 50 years old. Or a woman. The rest of us know that good things come to those with good looks, money, luck, hypnosis, forget-me-nows or good old fashioned booze. Lots and lots of booze.

Being a virgin has had a massive stigma attached to it ever since Jesus and the gang wrote in the Bible over 150 years ago that people were not allowed to have sex until marriage (of course He also died a virgin so He probably didn't know what He was missing out on). Ever since then, many people across the universe have accepted this word as gospel causing early onset forearm tendinitis in many Christian boys (and why is masturbation also a sin? Make up your mind God, You can't have it both ways!)

From this widely held belief, the media has seized an opportunity to redefine how we the people should look at the less fortunate (virgins). Essentially, the media and movie industry have made the following mandate of their own, which has proven to be as entrenched in our values as that made by Jesus Himself Christ all those years ago: Girl Virgins Good, Boy Virgins Lepers.
We were supposed to believe this girl was a virgin?

When Britney Spears broke onto the scene, she was the school girl virgin from the Mickey Mouse club with the squeaky clean boyfriend and positive message. Then Justin dumped her ass and let the world know they had sex and now she is fat, bald, living in a trailer park receiving child support checks from George Costanza and Vanilla Ice. In Cruel Intentions, Reese Witherspoon plays the virgin daughter of the school's headmaster, riding horses and doing magazine interviews on her virginity. Then she loses her virginity, gets in a slut off with Sarah Michelle Gellar, her boyfriend is killed and then she stars in Sweet Home Alabama. Clearly, Hollywood and the media believe that virgin girls are the peak of human existence until they give away their flowers and cause death and shitty career moves.

Virgin boys, on the other hand, take more punishment than the seams on Oprah's skinny jeans (zing!) until they lose their virginity and become instantly popular and happy. Just take a look at these movies all built around this exact basic premise: 40 Year Old Virgin, American Pie, Porkys, Road Trip, Sex Drive, Fast Times at Ridgemont High (which also had the Girl Virgin downfall mentioned earlier), The Virginity Hit, Revenge of the Nerds, She's Out of My League and Super Bad.

Clearly we have some differing view points here. Luckily, your friends at Sexy Burger have just the thing to unite the masses. Bring together the virgins and the non. The religious and the secular. The gingers and the rest of us. Here it is, ready to be carried over the threshold that is your lower jaw:

The Virgin Burger.
















Components:
  • Veal patty: This lightly seasoned ground baby cow sat on that bun with a look that said "come here big boy and statutorily eat me"
  • Baby spinach: We used baby spinach here to conjure the images of innocence and a life before that pesky clap. Ah, those were the days. Plus, if we got adult spinach to mount the baby cow Chris Hanson would have been banging down our door.
  • Baked brie topped with honey: Sweet, creamy, gooey, warm and white just like... marshmallows over a fire, which virgins love.
  • Cherry reduction sauce: Too. Many. Inappropriate. Jokes. Must. Move. On. To. Maintain. Elegance. And. Purity. Of. Burger.
The burger was outstanding. The cherry sauce was sweet and spicy and it mixed really well with the sweet, creamy brie. All of this combined with the light taste of the veal patty and the crispness of the spinach made for a great return by the Sexy Burger Crew.

Of course this burger was not without controversy. 4 of the Sexy Burger Six were in Vermont this weekend for a special event that I'll explain later(RVM and the Kid were in Vegas getting marri...oh, wait, they already did that. Why else would a couple go to Vegas?). Now, if there are 2 things I've learned as a longtime prisoner of New England, it is that Vermont is ripe with hippies and hippies hate meat. What better place to debut a burger using the most hated meat in the vegetarian hippie community? Luckily our gracious hosts Matt and Toni Marie are not born and raised Vermonters so they allowed us to proceed with The Virgin Burger. Though they both passed on the burger, opting instead for turkey burgers, I cannot say I blame them; less than a mile away from their house is a veal farm. I couldn't imagine driving past that every day after having a taste for veal. I'd be attempted to jump out for a bite with every passing.

As I mentioned earlier, the return to the grill was not the only major event of this President's Day weekend. The SBS got even closer this week when Mr. Barneby Jones got down on one knee and proposed to Professor Purple on the top of a mountain (no word on whether there were flutes and garlands of fresh herb). To the surprise of no one, the Professor accepted leaving The Spot and I as the only members of Sexy Burger living in sin.

So on behalf of the rest of Sexy Burger and all our Burger Minions, I would like to congratulate Mr. Barneby Jones and the future Mrs. Professor Purple Jones on taking the plunge. May your lives be filled with happiness and meat.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

My Beer Mistress is coming...


From the day I was able to choose my own beer (sorry X Mom and X Dad for taking that which did not belong to me), I have always been an Anheuser-Busch man. When looking to get economically drunk I had my buddy Busch Light. If I was looking for a conversation starter I went Busch Heavy ("Oh that's bad ass bro, you drink Busch Heavy?" is something some dude bros have actually said to me). If I had a little walkin' around money and was feelin' fancy I turned to Bud Heavy. And now in my advanced years as the pounds are not falling away as easily anymore, I have gone on a diet with a strict regiment of Bud Light.

Whenever I walk into a liquor store it is for an AB brand. Whenever I go to the bar I ask for one of my AB friends. The marriage to AB has always been unwavering. Until a fateful day my junior year of college when my friend Can't Stand Ya left me the best voicemail ever: "Dude, hurry up and get to the parking lot (for tailgating). We've got a huge cooler of food and beer and we need someone to eat and drink it!" And that is how I started cheating on Anheuser-Busch with Yuengling.

The reason for my non-burger anecdote is this exciting story from the Wall Street Journal. You see, Yuengling currently is only sold in 13 states along the east coast, one of which is NOT Massachusetts. I have gone months and even years without tasting my favorite beer, so finding out there is even a chance it could be coming to Mass has sent me into a dizzying spiral of beer joy.

So to wrap up this rambling I want to lay down this promise/invitation: The day Yuengling is brought to Mass I will be taking a personal day from work/life/the world to spend a spiritual day with my beer mistress and any Burger Minion out there who is equally excited by this news is welcome to join me in my most intimate of times. And to bring it all back to Sexy Burger, I am also in the process of creating a special Yuengling Burger and would appreciate any suggestions.

Sorry for the diversion from burgers, but I'm busting over this news and I wanted to share it with my faithful Burger Mob.

See ya next burger!
Maybe I should get this with a side of burger